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Cari

Remembering…Our Wedding

In lieu of what SHOULD have been our 4th anniversary Monday … here’s, Remembering Our Wedding

So it took me like 5 years to finally propose.  We were in our 20’s.  We were having fun.  She definitely put on the pressure.  She knew what she wanted.  I was a little hesitant.  It’s a big decision, right?  And for someone who might be a bit indecisive at times and a little leery of commitment … maybe I procrastinated for a while.

I always wondered if you knew whether or not the question was coming that night.  I don’t think so.  I tried to make it a suprise.  I think just planning to do it and then actually doing it was a big step.  It was dinner at Carmine’s on rush.  No one else was with us but the restaurant was pretty busy.  I couldn’t even look at the menu.  All that was on my mind was how I was going to do this.  The menu was a complete blur.  I’m not even sure if anything intelligent was coming out of my mouth.  Finally I struck up the nerve to do it.  I stepped to the side of the table, got on one knee, and asked the question.  Everyone around us was looking.

So a while before we went looking for rings.  Somehow out of all the rings we both picked out the same one.  Oddly enough a few months later we came to find that a couple good friends of ours had selected the same ring.  Isn’t that crazy???

So we did dinner but I had another small surprise.  A big group of our friends and family were waiting for us at john barleycorns.  It made for a great night.

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Of course we couldn’t end the celebration there.  We had to have a separate engagement party.

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So we’re getting hitched … now what do we do.  We go on vacation of course.  And bring a bunch of friends & family with us.  We set the date.  Barely 9 months out.  Dang, this is happening fast.

So we start planning.  Invites out.  Travel arrangements booked.  Things are going smoothly until … Hurricane Wilma decided to sit over our destination wedding resort for 2 straight days in Oct of 2005.  We followed the status updates of our intended resort on a daily basis.  If you google ‘moon palace hurricane wilma’ you probably find a bunch of links about it.  Basically the resort was a mess.  The majority of the Yucatan peninsula was.  She was freaking out…we were freaking out.

So what do we do.  We hold our breath and hope for the best.  Started looking into alternative locations.  Somehow we’re going to have to relocate 40+ guests … yikes!  Fortunately it turned out that the resort opened just two days before our arrival.  Phew!

Despite the fact that half the resort was still closed and that the gazebo where the wedding was supposed to be held was floating somewhere in the caribbean sea, things went by without too much of a headache (cari might have had a different opinion about some of that tho)

Half the party stayed for 7 nights, the rest came a couple days later and stayed for 5 (they should have came the whole time).  The resort was all inclusive.  A full open bar for 7 days…  That beats any wedding I’ve ever been to.   80+ degree weather.  Sitting by the pool all day.  It was pretty sweet.

And before I forget we were there for NYE so we had that to celebrate too …

Ok, and even though our gazebo was no longer there, the actual wedding was beautiful.  We did it on the beach, bare foot and all.  At 4pm when the sun was just setting. 

The reception was held on one of the patios outside the resort along the sea.  It was awesome.  Two of our friends sang and played guitar (our wedding song  – making memories of u by keith urban & a whole bunch more).  Afterwards we took the party inside and closed the bar & discoteca.  While it was the norm that we closed a bar and the discoteca on a nightly basis, this time it was MUCH MORE FUN!

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NYE Party

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She’s not really nervous

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Awe … Dad’s a little emotional (we miss u too papa)

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Definitely on my list of favorite pictures

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And this last one show’s how crazy the all inclusive wedding can get … and this is only one round out of probably the 100+ we had

One of the advantages of the resort opening only days earlier was that we had the entire resort almost entirely to ourselves.  We were waited on hand & foot.  We were never without service.  There were always open chairs at the pool and tables in the restaurants.  It was pretty sweet.

The one hiccup or bump or issue we did have (besides a couple small complaints w/the wedding coordinator) had to do with one of our guests.  Our recently diagnosed bi-polar friend decided to go off his meds a month or two before the trip.  They never should have let him on the plane.  He made part of our wedding day for Cari a huge pain.  He was kicked out of the hotel, arrested, brought to the airport, arrested again, and then deported.  It’s a long story and not something for this post but it’s something everyone remembers so it deserved mention.

All-in-all it was a fantastic week for us and for all of our guests.  The memories are there forever.  We talked about going back many times in the future.  We loved vacations and it meant so much not only to share our special day with those close to us but to share something we enjoyed.

The wedding events didn’t stop there …

Cari insisted we have a reception at home too.  I wasn’t all that excited about organizing (and paying) for that but I can be convinced to do just about anything, especially for her.  It turned out to be fantastic.

We did it in Feb less than 2 months after the wedding.  It was FREEZING that day.  Seriously the coldest day of the year.  But a mid winter reception does come with benefits; like lower cost and open dates.  We did it in the burbs, at palos country club. 

[I NEED TO FIND SOME PIX]

Our friends and fam were there.  The food was great.  The liquor was flowing.  And best of all we had a live band for our entertainment.  The spazmatics.  One of our fav cover bands (who unfortunately broke up shortly thereafter).  But they were awesome.  And it made for an incredible night.  I don’t know if all the older guests felt that way but it was our night, we didn’t care all that much, and had some of the most fun we ever had.

… so that’s about it.  but I’m sure I’ll add more later (or at some point when I have some time) 

Our Engagement – 3/17/2005
Our Wedding – 1/4/2006

Time

There’s simply not enough of it.

I do need a break.  I just won’t let myself take one.

E didn’t nap today.  Making tonight difficult.  Thankfully I had some help.  But she was ultra-cranky.  I had to push her to do what I needed her to do.  She’s down.

As I sit there after taking C from the bath, I think about Cari.  It’s times like these where for a few seconds I let myself go down that road.  The situation always seems so impossible.  Completely unreal.  Why?  She should be here. Right here.  Doing this stuff with me … the ‘this’ a loaded word … I can’t even get into all that.

He’s saying the words mamamamam.  She mentions her all the time.  He really doesn’t know any better.  She knows there’s something wrong.  She doesn’t understand completely but she knows and she misses and she needs.

Why do I keep “working”?  I really should reorganize my priorities.  What do I need to do for us.  When am I going to nail down the plans for their b-days?  Shit!  b-days … i’ve got to get it done.  Why is it so damn cold here.  What a drag the weather is … the weather for more than 6 months of the year.  Time to move?  Maybe if I could sell my house.

Today was another hard day but I am so overwhelmed with everything else that it’s tough to let it sink in.  A number of people contacted me in some way.  I do appreciate it.  It would have sucked if no one did.  But they did and I appreciate it.  I so wish they didn’t have to.

I’ve been meaning to get back and write more.  I really wanted to write some things about NYE.  But while it may help me a little it hurts just as much if not more.  So like many of the other things I have probably just been avoiding it.

The Christmas decorations are down, for the most part.  Boxed in new plastic boxes instead of the cardboard they use to be in.  At least that’s a little something I can take off my list.  Window lights, outside lights, and Christmas tree are still up but just about everything else is put away … and I even labeled the bins.

Since the kids have been down for an hour and I’m super exhausted I should probably go to bed.  I usually proof read these things but I don’t really feel up to it tonight…maybe tomorrow.

Happy Anniversary

We should have been somewhere else today.  It shouldn’t be like this. 

I have a lot to write but these past 2 weeks have left me with barely a minute to myself.   Hopefully this week will be different.

Love u.  Miss u.

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The past week … or so

From the mouth of my precious lil girl while emptying our christmas stockings …

“Mommy will do her’s [stocking] when she gets back.”

“Can we open Mommy’s now?”

Of course Mommy’s was empty.  Should it have been?  That was one of, if not the hardest single moment of the past week.

Sitting at the kitchen table at her cousins, her sister sat across from me while trying on a new hat.  For whatever reason she looked so much like Cari.  I had to get up and walk away.  Another difficult experience.

And then there was (in no particular order) …

Wrapping presents; Purchasing them; Putting them under the tree christmas eve night after the kids were asleep; Getting E excited about the night; Cookies & milk for Santa; all of … Christmas eve; Christmas morning; Christmas day; Christmas night, Cookie party, Pictures with Santa;

Then on top of it all I think E is really feeling the loss of that significant and very important part of her life.  She needs her Mommy.  Her imagination is incredibly advanced, I think anyways.  She has a lot of aunties and other females around but not a single Mommy.  It’s hard to describe but you can tell by the way she talks that she is serious need of someone, some single person, in that role.  She wants to pretend that someone is her Mommy … “Are you my Mommy?” she says over and over again.

And just now …

It’s impossible to hold back the tears while writing this.  E came over to me and said (in her sweat innocent little voice), “Oh, why are you crying Daddy.”  “Because I miss Mommy” … She says, “I miss Mommy too.”

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention … the kids were sick the entire week of christmas … and they’re still sick today.

Anyways, here are some pix …

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Cheated

The word keeps running through my head.

That’s what I feel like.  Cheated!

Cheated out of how things should have been.  Cheated out of my best friend, my love.  But the kids especially.  Cheated out of having the one person in their life they needed so much. 

And then today E said something.  I wish I could remember her exact words.  It’s like maybe she does know that Mommy isn’t coming back.  What she said made it feel like she does.

Poor girl.  Isn’t feeling well either.

And then I received this.  I knew it would make me emotional.

I can’t wait … well I keep saying for these days/weeks to be over, true, but … well I don’t know what I want to say.