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September, 2010:

Dimes & Butterflies

We have some amazing friends.  We always knew that.  We were pretty fortunate. 

I think I know the secret.  And it’s not all to different from why Cari and I were so awesome together.  It’s because we could all make each other laugh and didn’t care about the petty bull shit.

So, one of my friends sent me this e-mail and I wanted to post it here.  Hope she doesn’t mind…


So I wanted to tell you this yesterday but didn’t know if would bring ya down at all or not.  I mean its a good thing, but just, well you know….

Well first of all twice in the last week and actually right around the time I was telling a story about Cari, (sorry the one about being in the hotel room is pretty classic).  I got SPAMed by her old e-mail.  I mean I know it’s been happening with yahoo, but just kinda weird to see… And kind weird during time I was talking about her.  Though in some way, I really liked seeing it!  (I mean I miss getting e-mail and hearing from receptionist “It’s Cari on the phone”.)  But in a way, maybe she was sorta trying to talk to me…. I don’t know!

Secondly, I remember you saying to E when I gave her a dime…. That it means mommy is thinking about her.  Matt, I heard a story a few years ago (before everything happened with Cari) from this women sitting at sandwich shop.  She basically told me how her aunt had told her same thing.  And that since her aunt has told her that, she’s found dime every morning.  After we finished our conversation, I told her every time I find one, i’d think of her and her mom.  Well, shortly after I went tanning and there was one sitting in middle of the room.  Matt, I find them like crazy for the last two years.  I’ve found them on my car seat…. (when I don’t keep change in my pocket oranything).  And even on seat of a rent-a-car when I get in…. When you know those things are cleaned.  And other strange places in my home, work, hotel rooms etc.  Well yesterday sitting at the game…. I moved my foot a tad and looked down and there was a dime by my toe.  I know finding dime happens and this may all sound silly….  But in a way to me they have become comforting.  Lord knows we all have ‘stuff’, right?!  It actually happened a few minutes after you made comment about the butterfly too.  So just that whole time (and that is why sent you text too).  I really really felt like Cari was at the game with us.

Anyway, this is something I’ve wanted to share with you for a while…. Well the e-mails (cause it’s happened 3 times now) and I’ve been wanting to tell you my dime story after you said that to E and after finding one at game yesterday.  I guess I sorta needed to now.

A weekend worth forgetting … sort of

It wasn’t all bad

Allergies turned into a serious respiratory issue … again. 

Someone else decided to throw himself out of the crib.  He landed on the carpet and is okay, but come on …

Oh yeah and there’s some major teething going on.  Bottom eye teeth if that’s what they’re called


But then there was Train.  Which would have been a lot more fun if my mind wasn’t on my lil girl.  My friends rock though.  Thank you for the birthday cake!

And then having a few people over on Monday was nice as well.  I probably should have invited more people, next time for sure.  But the whole intent was to give the kids some time together.  And that part was a huge success.  I think she has her first BFF.  She even calls her her best friend.  So super cute.  Cari would be absolutely elated.  She should be here for this

Speaking of allergies.  My nose is stuffed, throat scratchy.  This is no fun, no fun at all

The past few days …

It started Wed night, my birthday, and continued through today

Today topped them all

“I want Mommy to come back from Heaven”
“When I’m older am I going to Heaven?”

Those are just a couple of the things she said to me, completely out of the blue, on the way to our friends house tonight.  I have NO idea how to answer them.  No idea what she understands.  No idea what to say.  But then as usual the question turns into, “Daddy, why are you crying?”

Later in the evening her eyes were watering from allergies and I swear she told one of our friends that they were tears for Mommy.  I didn’t even dare ask her to repeat what she said.

My heart just breaks

Then this morning …

The kids stayed at Grandma’s last night.  The weather finally cooled down today so I went for a jog before I did some “work”. 

I ran that same path.  Straight down 8th to where the accident happened. 

I stopped there like usual and cleaned up the flowers that had blown around.  I really need to get back soon and add more. 

The run always forces me to think.  This morning it was about that lady.  WTF could she have been doing to not see a grown woman, a stroller and a dog in the street.  I meant to e-mail the lawyers with some specific questions I thought of during my run but time just got away from me.  All I want are real answers.  No bull shit.  No lies.  Just admittance.  You know that lady never bothered to even apologize.  Not once.  Will she seek out our forgiveness?  I sure as hell hope not.

A neighbor appearantly saw me tending to the flowers because he decided to get in his car and catch up with me on my way back home.  I turned to see this mini-van pull up beside me in the road.  I’m like man I hope this guy isn’t stopping for me because if he is I just know exactly what this is going to be about.  Of course that’s what he was doing.  Now I don’t mind it.  I’m positive he was only doing it out of genuine concern.  But even though the only thing on my mind at that particular moment was everything about that very same topic it did made me cry.

And then there was the dream I had the night of my b-day, early Thursday morning.

I woke up as if my anxiety was through the roof.  My heart pounding.  Kind of like one of those dreams where you’re about to fall but then abruptly wake up.  This one was different though

I swear I talked to her, interacted with her, but for the life of me I can’t remember the details.  She was definitely there in the dream but the timeframe was different.  It was late in the year.  For some reason I remember that because the rest just didn’t match up.

Besides her being there and all the emotions wrapped around that, the dream consisted of the idea I knew ahead of time that something very very bad was going to happen.  That I knew ahead of time the accident was going to occur.  It was so intense.  So real.  My whole day ended up a mess because of this dream.  I still feel the affects of it today.  I have no idea how fast my heart was beating but it was going crazy. 

It had been a while since I had a dream like that.  Particularly one that didn’t involve some sort of argument.  Even though I can’t quite remember the specifics and that it ended in that whole idea that I knew something bad was going to happen, it was better than ending in argument

Maybe the events of the previous day sparked the dream.  I’m not complaining.  I’ll take that dream any day

Happy Birthday to ME

This time of year could be the hardest for me. 

It’s been a trying couple of weeks at the job too.  So today I sucked it up and tendered my resignation.  Yikes!

My anxiety is thru the roof.  Not good.  But it does feel like a huge weight is off my shoulders

Now, I only submitted it some 45 minutes ago.  However, my boss just announced it to the organization so I guess there’s no desire to keep me around.  No biggie though.  We’ll be fine.  And even better than before.  Phew!

You want to know his response to me giving him the letter … “Thanks” … okay … whatever … good luck!