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May, 2012:

our friends rock

I have a hard time knowing what to believe.

That day we were getting ready to deliver flyers in lagrange during the pet parade, we drove up to the house and our wedding song was on the radio and a “white” dove was in the tree above us.  I can’t explain that and will never forget it.

The random dimes I still find all over the place, usually in the most unusual of places.  I can’t explain that.

The butterflies.  The one that landed on me.  The one that recently landed on a a relative.  I can’t explain those.

And then this.  On the morning of, not the day before, not the day after, and not more than one … a single flower bloomed on the plant that her mom gave to us.  A plant that has been split through numerous generations.  I cannot explain.

I shared the photo with all of the friends who msg’d me, called or sent us flowers yesterday.  Many of them said it made them cry.

I thought yesterday would play out a little different.  There’s one thing we didn’t do but hopefully we’ll take care of that this week.  But otherwise our weekend was packed none stop.

For the 3rd year since, including the year it happened, the weather on May 19th has been exceptionally nice.  Not just nice, but literally amazing.  Nothing but sun.  No rain, no clouds, just warm and sunny. Would I rather it be rainy?  I don’t know.  I know some people would rather it be that way and that makes a lot of sense.  Should it be a day we enjoy when there’s so much about this day that is beyond sad, beyond words?

It was a busy day, however.  Farm for her in the morning, I took him to the store.  Playing outside all day in the yard; slip-n-slide and sprinkler included.  Then we went to our friend j&b’s.  I love them.  Although we have many great friends they were some of our closest.  We did so much with them during our post-college city-living years.  Not only that but their boy is just 4 months older than E and their daughter 4 months older than C.  Crazy.  It was nice to spend time with them.  I really wish we just lived around the block from each other.  I wish we lived around the block from all our friends, but it would be nice to be by them.  When they called on Thursday asking us to come over I was hesitant.  I knew what going out with friends on this day might mean … lots of emotions.  But it wasn’t all that bad.  The kids are a real diversion.  They give us barely a minute to focus on the issue.  We stayed late, had a great dinner, the kids had tons of fun and both passed out on the way home.

Today wasn’t all that different.  Breakfast @ dunkin donuts.  Eating out, btw, a huge step for me.  Until recently I’ve completely avoided it.  But breakfast isn’t that bad.  Especially if we don’t have to wait.  In quick, food right away (and they usually eat everything) and then out in maybe 30 minutes.  It’s the meals where we have to wait to get in, wait for food, that I won’t touch with the kids.  Nevertheless I think those restaurant visits are a big step for me.  But back to today, we took the bike to DD, then headed out for about a 5 mile ride thru LG and LGP before ending up and one of the parks we occasionally visit.  Two kids totaling about 75 lbs in the back of my bike is pretty heavy, especially when headed into the wind.  After that we headed to another friends for most of the day, had a lot of fun, and again they passed out on the way home and are both sleeping on the couch next to me as I type.

So yet another year has passed and as one of my friends said “I know there is this gaping hole, but they are magnificent … somehow thriving in the midst of it.”  Those are my simply amazing children.  And they ARE absolutely amazing.  They are great kids.  I couldn’t ask for anything more from the two of them.  Even with the questions they ask, the absolutely enormous void in their lives, they are someone genuinely good kids.  As soon as she was born and again when we was, we knew in our marriage that our love for these two was above even the love we had for each other.  Not that it diminished anything between us, we just knew that there was something about these two … probably what most parents feel about their own children but now that we’re where we are today, it’s even more evident in my life.  My love for them is impenetrable.

on the eve of 3

there’s not a single day that i don’t think about her

and not a single week goes by that the kids do ask about her

it’s no doubt just about the MOST difficult topic


“we’re celebrating mother’s day this week” one of the teachers at preschool says.  “should we do anything different for your daughter?” the questions were unanticipated.  i really couldn’t answer.  i know she will be okay.  i think she’ll be okay.  i’m probably worse just trying to answer the questions than she is dealing with a week of classroom activities


i think about writing often but i just don’t do it.  feb 3rd is the last time i wrote.   sigh…

there’s a lot that has happened just in the past few months let along these 3 years

he’s getting so big.  last summer his speech exploded and it hasn’t stopped.  “th” is the hardest but i think we’ve finally got it.  it’s actually pretty cute getting him to use his tongue to get out that sound.

he’s just about potty trained. yay! although we do still have our accidents like wetting thru the pullup onto my comforter.  argh!  i guess that just means a new comforter for me.  bedtimes, btw, more than often result in all three of us together on my bed.  does that mean if things were different that there would be 4 of us on the bed or would someone, namely me, be sleeping on the floor or couch?

he’s an awesome little kid.  his facial expressions alone, those big brown eyes…  i just luv him so much.  cute as could be.  but he has a wild side too.  him and is sister will be fighting over something one minute and then playing great the next.  sharing is tough for little kids.

he’s definitely a boy … loves sports.  i’ve got him in swim lessons and then plan to sign him up for tball & basketball this summer.  that should be a lot of fun.  we went to a friend’s daughters tball game the other day and he wanted so bad to go onto the field with them; he’s only 3 and they’re 5 but he didn’t care.  i can toss him a ball and he can hit it with a regular bat no problem.  that seems pretty good for a 3 year old.  and he’s been doing it for months.  at christmas santa got him a set of youth golf clubs.  the biggest challenge is to keep him from swinging it around other people.  he’s not too bad at hitting the ball.  i’ll b taking him to the driving range soon

she’s growing up too.  today was her preschool graduation; off to kindergarten next year.  the graduation was really cute.  lots of songs including this one song where each kid would answer the question “there will always be …” while one of the teachers sang the question.  her answer was ‘american girl dolls’.  😉  oh well.  it was cute and it got a laugh.  the overall song was really cute though, make most people shed a couple tears, including myself.  after we got home, granted she was tired, she was sad that she would miss her friends 🙁

she also just finished a session of ballet which ended with an amazingly cute ballet recital.  hip hop dance ends soon with another show.  tomorrow preschool ends with a show by the kids too so lots of cute stuff going on.  she’s signed up for irish dance this summer and has swimming lessons too.

we’ve been working on reading and she’s doing good.  i think if we worked on it every day she’d have it down pat.  but she knows a ton of numbers and can do some adding and subtracting which is awesome.


her and i talk often about cari.  i think i do a decent job answering her questions.  she watches a lot of video of cari.  i like that she does that.  i think it helps remind her who she was.

those questions are hard but the unexpected one from him, the first time he asked, man that was tough.  he had never said anything before.  one day he just asked.  i’ve been answering her questions for a while now so questions from him are something new and it’s only the beginning, i’m sure

it sucks so bad that she isn’t here for this.  she would be LOVING it.  no doubt.  she’d just be enjoying everything that these two little ones bring to me on a daily basis.  she’s missing out on so much and they the same.  things would be different, there’s no doubt about that.  i’m just hoping that i’m keeping things as close as possible to how they would have been


the house is 4 sale.  again.  this time for real, it’s gotta sell this time.  i think it will be more a relief than anything once we move but i’m dreading the move.  packing & unpacking, organizing and tossing all sorts of stuff … i just want to get it over with so i can stop thinking about it.


with all that we’ve been through, that i’ve been through, that the kids have been through … all i want for us is health, peace, & happiness for many many many years to come.


we would not be dealing with everything like we are if we didn’t have the help around us.  our family is amazing and our friends are really great.  thank you all so very much.  there are a few people that have done so much for me and the kids.  without them this job, this full time job of raising these little ones, would have been impossible


b sure to always remind yourself that life is too short and you should want to see as much of the world as possible … be kind to each other … do good for our world … and love the ones close to you