Slow Down * Enjoy Life Rotating Header Image

November, 2009:

Double D

It was a time we enjoyed together.   Decorations.  The lights and tree were more my responsibility and everything else was hers.  But we did it together.  It was fun and special.

As I write I could only imagine how many expletives would be flying out her mouth if and when she attempted to put up lights if the situation were reversed.  Probably close to as many times as I bit my tongue while going through the boxes (yes boxes … at least 6 very big ones) of christmas decorations. 

It was something we did together and very much enjoyed.  All of my desire to do any of this is completely gone.  The ONLY reason I’m doing it is for the kids.  We have personally engraved stocking holders for god sake.  How the f@#% am I supposed to deal with this.  These had better be the hardest days I ever have to deal with.  I cannot imagine dealing with anything worse.

I haven’t even gotten to more than putting up the tree.  No lights, no garland, no ornaments.  I know what’s in that box of ornaments and it’s going to take a lot of strength to open it up.  There are lights outside and a few other things around.  I don’t even know where half the shit is supposed to go.  Can I get some help here honey?

And on a totally unrelated topic, but the 2nd D in my Double D title …

How many people are actually going to entertain the possibility of divorce.  WTF!  Especially at or around 30 with young kids.  WTF!

How unfortunate they are.  Especially those who have brought children into the world.  Why did they bother in the first place?  Why are they so weak?  Do they think it will make things better for ANYONE involved?  Are they even thinking?

Every time someone mentions it I get sick to my stomach.  Just as bad as I feel when I am forced to deal with Christmas decorations by myself without the one I loved.  

I just don’t understand how people see this as an option.  I suppose there are reasons for this but for a good majority I’m certain it’s all petty immature bullshit … I guarantee it.

We had something truly special.  This never would have been an option for us.  EVER!  So why was everything we had taken from us?

Fine Art


This started out as a picture of Daddy but once some pigtails were added it became a self portrait.

Is a 2 1/2 (well like 2 3/4) child supposed to be doing this stuff yet?  She amazes me on a daily basis.


Phew.  Ugh. 

It’s almost over (and by the time I actually post this it probably will be).  A very difficult day.

Every message from a friend.  The card, from my MIL, which I just read (but didn’t really want to b’cuz I knew it would be hard).  Any topic of discussion; directly or indirection related.  The kids and absolutely everything about them.  That simple request to take home leftover dark meat which was her fav. 

I was making dinner yesterday.  A friend was over playing with the kids while I cooked.  I rarely cook from scratch anymore but the desire was there yesterday.  I planned to pick up some stuff at the store but before I knew it I was out of time so I resorted to a simple chicken/rice meal I almost always have the ingredients for.  It was always one of our favs.  So good and so easy.  We probably had it once a week.  I was apprehensive about cooking it.  It was suprisingly difficult and as I sat over the stove turning the chicken, so many unexpected thoughts and memories rushed into my head.  I was completedly unprepared. 

I didn’t have much sleep last night.  E woke at 7:30 insisting we left immediatedly for my brothers.  C still wasn’t up so I risked a quick shower and some preliminary preparations while he remained in his room.  Fortunately it worked.  3 hours later, following breakfast, baths, getting dressed, making sure the bags had enough supplies for a day away, we were in the car on our way.  I only lost a few hairs through all that.  My mom offered to come help but I declined. 

My bright little E, who amazes us all on a daily basis, did it again.  While it was the simplist of comments, her ability to associate a comment of mine to a single occurance nearly two months ago is just astonishing.  I opened up a coconut sucker and when she asked about it I said I didn’t like it.  She then said to me that coconut suckers were a fav of a certain friend of ours.  How would she know this?  What a random comment I thought so I preceded to txt this friend to get her thoughts.  It turns out that more than 2 months ago she commented to E about how she liked that flavor.  How my lil girl remembered that and was able to make the association today is beyond me.

Can we just skip the rest of these holidays?  PLLLEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSEE!

Pix & Stuff

I didn’t go with the intention to get christmas card ready pictures.  I needed some 9 month (well 10 month) pictures of lil guy.  Yes, I’m a little behind.  10 months?  Happy 10 months C.  I love the hair (can I borrow some??)



I don’t really feel like writing.  Yesterday was tough.  No sessions with the grief counselor til next week (a 3 week hiatus).  Hopefully I can handle it 😉  Usually I think I just need to cancel those damn things because they seem to hurt more than help.  But maybe I do benefit from them.

Nov – Jan.  I’m not looking forward to this stretch of days.  The holiday’s of course.  Her b-day.  Our anniversary.  It’s been 6 months+.  C’s b-day and then E’s. 

I’m not sure when to find the time to grieve.  That shit jumps up on me when I don’t expect it and when I don’t want it.  But the holidays … they’re just going to force it on me.

Like the game on Sunday.  I wasn’t going to go.  The Bears just SUCK!  But I went.  It was either that or let the tickets burn a hole in my desk drawer.  I wasn’t going to do that again.  I found a friend to go.  So I went.  But besides the lengthy conversation I had with him about all that shit (good/healthy conversations I think), a friend of another guy offered his condolences and described how he lost a very young child.  Of course I felt sorry for him but other deaths DO NOT help me.  It certainly is unfortunate for him.  But it’s not the same.  Not in my mind.  Am I selfish.   I know you feel bad but I don’t have the capacity to feel bad for you too.

So then there’s my MIL.  She’s great.  But she often lets me know about all the death-related stories on the news.  I don’t want to know!  Sometimes I’ll read them if it’s on my own accord but when I’m picking up the kids it doesn’t mean I need to be updated with every unfortunate death that just occurred.  By the way, if you’re not paying attention … good people are killed every day.  They don’t die … some jackass fuck out there doesn’t pay attention to what they’re doing and takes the life of someone innocent. 

This post just got a little angry … oops!  But if I don’t have my wife with me to bitch about things then I’m going to bitch here. 

Sometimes, and more than not, people just suck.  They don’t give a shit about anything but themselves.  They don’t care.  They are more worried about getting somewhere 2 seconds quicker.  Talking on the cell or worse yet, texting.  They are pissed off at the world.  They are aweful  people.  And there’s a LOT of them out there.  I’m sure there’s at least one of them here at Starbucks with me right now. 

Yikes … still a little angry … oh well. 

So maybe I do have the desire to write today … something anyways.

I wish it was warm.  I wish we lived in a climate where I could wear shorts all year round.  Where I could go for a run, walk, or bike ride whenever I wanted.  The gym is a bore.  The weather depressing.  I suppose I could just pack up and move.  But the shit here is hard enough and we have a lot of people around us.  There’s no where I could go and still have this kind of support around me, not outside the state anyways.  Sometimes I wish these other widow(er)s lived right here near me.  On the same block.  They all have a heap load of crap to deal with.  Often times similar too.  Each dealing in their own way but just about everything kid-related seems similar. 

My house.  A tornado goes through it every day.  I have piles of crap that I won’t touch for days.  So why is that pile just sitting there.  Can I just toss it?  Or can I put it somewhere?  I’m somewhat organized but my motivation to keep up on things is near the bottom.  Why bother? 

And then there’s the sale of that place.  Will it ever happen.  I haven’t heard from my realtor in months.  JOKE!  Good thing I only signed to a short term with him.  I found it kind of funny that he at one point listed the double-wide (it’s really a house but i refer to it as that because it’s really not that much more) down the street.  I didn’t know that until after he told me.  Right then I should have said no way to him.  But I wanted to get it up on the MLS to see if anything would happen.  I added $20k to the price just to cover his expenses.  As soon as I’m done with him I’m doing it on my own.

I was really trying to get my real estate license.  Well maybe not really, just sorta trying.  I need to get back on that but again there’s that same issue of motivation.  There aren’t enough coffees or red bulls or cokes … or hours in a day to get everything done.  So every day one thing rolls over to the next and it becomes a never ending cycle.

Anyways … I suppose I should do some work.  I initially meant to just mention the kiddies here but it appears I needed to bitch for a bit too.


A year ago last week we were pregnant w/C and  enjoying the impressively hot weather of Jamaica for a friends wedding

Six months ago today I lost the love of my life

The corner bakery must be a place of refuge for me because once again here I am

Most days it feels like there’s a ton of bricks on my chest.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem so bad but then I realize for a short few moments I was just preoccupied with something other than the situation

I could only imagine how different the ‘grief’ process would be without 2 little ones.  They demand 99.9% from me leaving virtually little space to get through everything else.

My mind is all over the place.  One minute thinking about all that.  The next thinking about my job.  Then how I’m going to get through the next few hours, days, weeks and years.  The upcoming holidays which if it were up to me we would skip right past.  All the crap we should have been doing had the situation been different.  All of the happy times and the sad ones too.   How bad I need someone to at least discuss the things that need to be done for us, the kids, everything……..

6 months makes it no easier.  6 months seems to make it that much harder.