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Working Late

I don’t even know how long my site here was hacked. Ugh. What a bunch of garbage this CMS is … hopefully I finally cleaned it all up. But what if you’re not technical? How would you even know what to do first?

So I’m sitting here counting down the minutes to push a button in order to deploy a software release for my job. Oh so I miss the days of part time work consulting. How I survived financially, I have no idea. Hopefully I’m starting to see a light at the end of the debt tunnel I unfortunately created after a year of trying to help a startup get off the ground and dabbling in my own venture. Maybe I’ll be able to revisit those things in the not too distant future, without the financial burden portion, that is.

The high school softball season has been a bumpy ride so far. Mostly riding the bench on the varsity team. It’s tough. She’s good and getting better. But the varsity batters are good too, often times really good. So she’s down on JV for a period of time. Which I think is good for her. It gives her a ton more mound time. She still faces talented girls, just not always as talented. So she’s still challenged but also able to have some successes too. I’d really like to see her bat, which hasn’t happened yet. Maybe over these next couple of games I hope.

Grandma hurt her back a couple weeks ago and now needs surgery. That sucks. It really sucks. Getting old blows. I can tell he’s concerned. I’m sure the outcome will be fine but there will be a day when someone in the family passes away and I am so not looking forward to that. I try to instill in these kids not to take any day for granted. I think they understand. But they are still kids and do kids things and want to play their sports and hang out with their friends. Yet every day I ask them, did you talk to Grandma, did you call her, text her? No? Then please reach out. If anything just to say hi.

I wish the time tonight would move a little quicker … 22 minutes until I get to press the button and go to bed…

License, St. Baldrick’s, & Sports

Learning to drive. I’m not sure there’s any great way to prepare oneself for all that’s involved. Ultimately I think it has so much more to do with the other drivers (aka maniac, distracted, angry, ignorant drivers, to name just a few). Practicing in the parking lot and the side roads of an industrial park, that was pretty easy. Getting onto a packed expressway … an entirely different experience. There was that one time we might have forgotten about a stop sign because we were paying attention to the bikers. Or not realizing the road curved slightly and nudging the curb a bit. Or when the light turned yellow while we were waiting to turn across traffic and that car way way back there decided to floor it and try to make the light …. oh man. But now she’s legal. She did awesome on her test. Yesterday she took her brother to get Andy’s and today drove some friends to a baseball game.

When your 14 year old who has been doing this for 6 years straight decides he wants to raise $ and shave his head again to support a cause, you can’t be any prouder. He even motivated a friend to do the same (he’s the guy in the background). He’s raised no less than $500 each year too. He rocks!

And while I do not have photos for this yet, she recently made the Varsity Softball team as a Sophomore and he made the 8th Jr High Volleyball team. Both tryouts were highly competitive so I’m super proud of both. Since playing on the Freshman team last spring she’s played continuously through the year and has grown a ton. And despite a few rainouts to start the season I’m really looking forward to the next 2 months of games. He’s been playing club volleyball since the fall and may have also grown 6″ during that same time. He’s also gained a ton of strength thru Taekwondo and weight lifting at home. It’s going to be tough to balance all these games but this is my life 🙂

Sports, Sports & more Sports …

I truly intend to post more updates but then I get busy and the days, weeks and months pass by.

Like almost 8 months since my last update. Oops

We now have a 14 and just a little over a day until we have a 16 year old in the house. Yikes

She’s close to getting her license but still has maybe 10 hours of driving practice left. She’s doing well. Only a few white knuckle moments but she’s coming along.

He joined a club volleyball team in the fall and has been doing amazing. While his team is not all that good he for sure leads the team in every aspect and would no doubt do well on a more competitive team. Still he goes out there and competes and does as best he can. Grandpa Cook is at every game too. Well except for DET but he did come to Milwaukee for a game. He really enjoys seeing both the kids in their activities 🙂 I absolutely love that he loves Volleyball. Probably my favorite sport to play along with Golf. Seeing him out there, being able to help him improve … it’s awesome!

She joined another travel softball team herself. It’s been a bumpy road though. The team was brand new, young, and a coaching staff with little experience. Still, she thought it would be a good fit but inevitably we decide to part ways near the end of last year. Ironically the organization has a 2nd team at the same level. She actually tried out for the team but they didn’t pick her in the summer. However, a few weeks after tryouts they did call and ask if we were still interested. She had already committed to this other team so we said no. Yet, along the way we continued to speak with the other team as we both remained interested. Unfortunately we had to quit one team just to join the other. Kind of a unnecessary step for something that was going to happen anyways. She’s still relatively new to this team having only been with them for a month but she has some double headers this month before HS tryouts in a few weeks. I think the team is a much much better fit for her. In addition to that though she has been putting in a ton of extra effort with a hitting coach and is crushing the ball, crushing it! Plus her pitching is really coming along as well. I hope she’s looking forward to this upcoming HS season as much as I am (and I assume Grandpa is as well).

My life pretty much revolves around those activities. Driving back and forth to practices of some sort nearly every day then trying to juggle tournaments and other things on the weekends. Not to mention I took on a full time job in the fall. More on that in a bit.

He’s also super involved in Taekwondo and doing awesome there too. The instructor Master Vinson is simply amazing. He’s such a positive person. We’re lucky to have found him and fortunate he chose our community for his business. Besides recently receiving his blue belt he’s also involved in their sparring classes. It’s been awesome to see him grow in this sport.

Did I mention soccer & scouts too? Oh, and school and hanging out with friends … what else? He’s so busy it’s hard to keep up with the schedule. This summer he’s planning to go to Loras Sports Camp, his final year as a camper. And possibly either a Taekwondo National Tournament or Owasippe Summer Camp plus Scuba Diving at Sea Base. Oh and there’s also preseason football which takes place basically all summer long… Will he have time for anything else? Volleyball…

And that’s just him. She’s got Softball, Softball and more Softball. Plus she works, is super busy with her school work, has two really nice friend groups, tries to fit in a number of concerts, and also babysits a ton! She’s beyond busy too.

Will we ever get out to the Lake??? I hope but it’s going to be tough

Me? I took on a full time job after years as a consultant. No joke I’d rather be consulting most days but my team is nice and the guaranteed paycheck was a necessity. Still after 5 months I’m not yet caught up on bills. Teenage kids are expensive! Life is expensive! We stretched what I was making as far as we could. Probably a year too far. So it’s taken a while to catch up but I can start to see the light, I hope.

Consulting was nice for a whole lot of reasons. Chasing down pay checks, however, not so nice. The flexibility and no requirement to work set hours is something I will probably always miss. Odds are I may go back to it at some point but for now this is where I’m planning to stay. It gives us stability and benefits that I was paying for on my own. Once I’m all caught up I’m sure I’ll feel better about the whole situation.

What else???

We only skied a little so far. One day trip to Cascade with the Hancock’s (plus their friends) and the Duarte’s, along with a day at the water park. It was a nice trip but we need a multi day ski trip soon. If not this winter for sure next season. And then we did a one day with the scouts at Chestnut. This midwest hills are okay but nothing close to going out west.

I don’t know I guess that’s about it … kids activities rule my life but I enjoy being a part of what these kids do and wouldn’t trade it in for anything 🙂

Cookout 4 Cari 2022

After a 2 year covid hiatus we brought it back.

The kids wanted it, actually, so we made it happen.

And perhaps for the first time in 10+ years of hosting the weather was supposed to be nice and it actually stayed that way. Normally I don’t like looking at the forecast, even though I do (every day leading up to the party). And each year it goes from 80 and sunny to rainy and 60 to cloudy back to sunny and rainy and then the day of the party it changes again.

Some years we have rain then sun and maybe rain again. Some years it’s cool. Some years dreadfully hot. Once tornado sirens went off (2019). But never has it just been nice the entire time, at least I cannot remember a day like the one we had.

Per the usual in roughly 5 minutes, if that, the kids went through 500 water balloons!

Lots of people showed up too and we’re thankful for that. The first kids got there at noon and the last people left around 8:30 (I’m especially thankful for those who helped cleanup at the end)

This year we featured live music by Murph, an uber-talented friend from the past. We were super happy to have him play. It was different from the years of Frankie Ace Magic but many of the kids have grown so it’s different now. We also had snow cones, cotton candy & popcorn thanks to our neighbors 🙂 … and the usual bounce house which was occupied often by a bunch of teenage boys, and tent. We tried for a bags tournament but it never got organized so maybe next year …

The party setup isn’t too bad. But the couple hours before the party starts is madness. I cooked 30 sausages, 60 hot dogs, 80 wings, 30 hamburgers, pulled pork, fruit trays, pasta salads … and somehow got everything out and ready by about 1pm when the party was set to begin.

I was so hot after this I literally jumped in the neighbors pool with all my clothes on to cool off.

It’s an effort to coordinate and put this on but I think everyone who comes really enjoys seeing each other. Many of these people wouldn’t otherwise get together so it makes everything worth it.

I hardly had a chance to sit down. In fact I didn’t until near the end. I know I spoke with almost everyone but missed a few people for sure. It’s hard to get to everyone but I try.

And despite the huge uptick in covid in recent months we survived the event thanks to the neighborhood spread of it in April, I’m sure.

While we missed a number of faces this year that’s what happens … conflicting plans, illnesses, sports and just life sometimes gets in the way but we our always thankful to see those who come and are looking forward to next year 🙂

May 19th

Always such an emotionally draining day

At 15 and 13 years old grief is different

Both of them, without any input or direction from me, submitted a school writing assignment related to our loss

I’ve include below her poem. a poem about grief, her grief. His a narrative written from my perspective. I posted them on fb today. Tons of comments on both plus lots of tears I’m sure.

I am happy that they are able to express their feelings like this. I am sad that this is our story. But we are who we are because of it. They are two amazing kids. They are unique in their own way. They are smart, strong, talented, motivated, kind, compassionate, loving human beings. I love them with all my heart. They are my life. My love for them is unconditional.

A like years past we planted flowers at her tree
This year we ditched some school and made a picnic of it
85 & Sunny
It was a nice day
The tree’s getting pretty big
It lost a branch at some point over the years
The buddleia’s we planted have gotten big as well
At least the groundskeepers no longer weed wack them

From her …
putting grief into words.
it’s not the easiest thing to do
grief is dangerous
it’s something no one wants to deal with
it’s the stop light when everyone is honking at you to go
its your sleeves falling down as you are washing your hands
it’s something everyone deals with at some point
how do i open a hole in my heart where someone i love used to fill, left and never returned again
i wish that i could say grief has an end point,
That one day my heart won’t sink when i see us together on a screen,
or the darkness that overtakes my mind when i remember that she is gone.
no matter how hard i try,
there will never be a finish line for that pain to cross over,
and no one will ever replace her light
the only way to completely heal is to forget,
and forgetting is the last thing i want to do while grieving
i have to cry when i need to cry,
and heal in my own time
and I have to remember that there never really is an ending point
the pain will always be there,
lurking in the shadows,
waiting for the perfect time to come out
my goal in life was never to be content without her presence,
my goal is to take things one day at a time
and i have to remember that the gap between the two of us,
is only as far as it takes to reach her hand into my mind
and her smile, can always be found in any photo box

From him …
Our Happily Ever After
You Don’t Know What You Have Until It’s Gone

January 4th, 2006 was the day I got married to the most beautiful woman in the world. Cari Lyn Stevens. Well now Cook. She was my purpose in life. Life was perfect and then life got a whole lot better because on the day of February 8th, 2007 we had our first child. Ellie Lyn Cook. Lyn is Cari’s middle name. She was our only child for two years. Those two years were the best two years in my life up until January 22nd, 2009. That day my son was born Carson Robert Cook. Robert after my wife’s brother, Bobby and father, Robert.

Only 4 short months later on the 19th of May while Cari was crossing 47th and 8th with Ellie and Carson she was struck by a car. Killing her later that day. Carson had suffered a fractured leg. I felt as though my life was ruined. “What I remember most about Cari is how much she loved being a mom.””She also had an infectious laugh that anyone who knew her will never forget.”Since my wife was just killed there was only one thing I will ever want following this. It’s for my two kids to be happy.

I keep trying to pretend like nothing happened but there was only so long that Cari could be away. So today Ellie asked “Where’s mommy?” and I thought about how to respond. I couldn’t think of anything except the truth. I explained everything. I explained how she is dead and how much her mommy loved her. The expression on her face killed me. As a normal human being but especially as her father. I can’t just sit there and watch her like this, so I get up and find a couple picture books. This worked for both of us. Ellie was still crying but now she was also smiling and laughing. To be honest, so am I. I can’t imagine how to tell Carson when he gets old enough to understand this.

The memories were fun to look back on, especially with my daughter. The only problem is that that won’t work forever. The problem is still that I don’t have a wife and my kids will never have a mother. Cari would want us to miss her. But she would want us to be together as a family even if it is without her. We have to move on and I have to be strong for my kids. They see their guardian broken. My kids are my life now. They have been since the day they were born but now they need me and I need them more than ever.

Eventually I went to visit Carolyn. My mother in law. I had to bring Ellie and Carson there before I went to work. Plus, I just had to see someone. She helped understand how God did it for a reason, and how it was meant to be. All of this happening has changed my life and perspective. She was the only one for me. I have a very very strong feeling that she will be my only love for life.

“If tears could build a stairway and memories were a lane, I would walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. No farewell words were spoken, no time to say good-bye, you were gone before I knew it and only God knows why. My heart still aches in sadness and secret tears still flow, for what it meant to lose you no one will ever know.” That is what it said on the back of her memorial card and they took the emotions and turned them into words. January 4th, 2006 was the day I got married to the most beautiful woman in the world. To this day, my life has never been the same and I don’t ever want it any other way.