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December, 2010:

It’s 1am

That doesn’t sound so bad I guess.  It seems more like 4am tho.

It’s been a long few weeks yet our anniversary is still to come

I have a draft post that I started writing a few weeks ago which discusses explaining death to a 3 year old.  My little girl is really struggling right now.  And then tonight she woke up with a really bad cough, spit up a few times, and now you can hear that her breathing is labored.  I’m laying on the floor in her bedroom right now, trying not to wake her.  She’s tossing around a bit.  I’m just hoping she can sleep through the night.

Things started to get tough for her a few weeks back; just before Cari’s birthday.  I think things peeked on the day of her birthday.  She seemed to think that Cari was going to come back.  For some reason there was lot of talk, around her, about doing something for Mommy’s birthday (bad idea … but it wasn’t me doing the talking).  The idea of celebrating her birthday, we did dinner w/friends, probably seemed to her like this is something we are doing for Mommy because Mommy is coming back.  Coming back from Heaven, right?  Heaven is that place up in the sky, isn’t it?  To a 3 year old is that any different than the neighborhood a few blocks down or the next state over???  They don’t know any better.

Perhaps part of this is on me; the way we describe things to her.  We always talked about Heaven.  I believe she understands death now (this is recent) but it was never associated to Mommy.  After her birthday and after numerous questions I used the word died.  Her jaw dropped.  Unfortunately (which is hardly the word to describe this) she never before made the association and now we are trying to pick up the pieces of what this 3 year old understands about why someone so important to her left her and won’t be coming back.

The biggest issue we face in this little 3 year old’s mind is the thought that everyone else in her life is going to leave her.  As much as you try to reinforce the fact that no one is going to leave her (maybe not in those specific terms), someone is eventually going to leave her.  How the F@#$ am I going to deal with that. 

I think about that issue frequently.  And now that she’s aware and struggling with the topic I just don’t know how we would deal with anything else.  Day to day stuff is tough enough; preschool, gymnastics, friends, grandma’s, daddy’s, what to eat, what to wear, going potty, brushing our teeth … everything is a little more complicated

Why should they have been put in this situation?  Why did a walk with their Mommy on a warm May day turn their little worlds completely upside down … never to be the same again.  It is just not fair.

the past couple …

i think it started today; now he says daa-dee instead of dada.  and he’s got a whole list of words and tries to say just about anything.  okay is new and he was really trying to say thank you.  he’s getting there but he’s well behind where ellie was at this age

i really feel like my kids are well behaved, especially in comparison to others their age.  not that i’m calling out anyone else.  i just look at mine and then others and there’s just something different about their behavior.  they’re not perfect and it’s not always easy but tonight was a good example.  when it was time for others to leave their were tantrums all over the place.  when it was time for us to leave there was hardly a complaint … just the, i want to go to grandma’s house once we got in the car … a whole other issue

it often seems like there’s that big gray elephant in the room, especially now during the holidays.  and last night and tonight in particular.  both nights were with our friends.  it’s me & the kids and then all the other couples and theirs (if they have ’em).   there’s just something so big missing from our lives and there’s no way to get it back.  i’m not sure what if anything could be said.  i loaded up on presents for all the other kids.  something we would have done anyways.  it was nice to see the looks on their faces.

e is still struggling with her desire to live here or at grandma’s. hopefully this is just a phase but i’m sure that if this is a phase that it is 100% related to cari not being here. 

i’ve got a few posts half-written so i’m going to try and finish them up and post them soon. but first i need to finish up my xmas shopping.

Happy Birthday to our Angel

My daughter really wants mommy to come down from heaven today to blow out her birthday candles

When we go out to dinner tonight I think she expects her to be there

I kept myself busy most of the day to, I suppose, avoid the topic.  In doing so my client may have gotten me sick; either that or the food we had for lunch.  My stomach feels twisted.  I don’t think it’s so much the day as something else.  Of course the day could complicate just about anything

Not sure what to say here … at a loss for words

Mass this morning, dinner with family and a few friends in a couple hours

Doesn’t really change anything, make anything better, eliminate the real issue … anything

Addressing the needs of these little ones, their grief milestones (if that’s what we call them), the understanding or lack of understanding due to their age … the questions of why isn’t mommy here, where is she, when is she coming home, is she going to be there tonight, i miss mommy … they should simply not have to ask those questions EVER

Dinner … didn’t really change anything.  Did it make things more difficult?  Maybe.  Other things happened today too.  As if today for some reason should have been called “crap on us day”.  I don’t know, maybe not that bad but …

Overwhelmed.  Is that how I’m feeling?  I’ve been trying to work to pay the bills but things are tight.  If I could just eliminate some things I think it would be a big weight off my shoulders.  Maybe that would clear things up.  It’s kind of like I’m being pulled in all directions and I just want things to be normal.  I know they can’t be back to normal but I don’t think I’m asking for a lot here.  Just some sort of normalcy

I am really glad we had the handful of people with us tonight at dinner.  Next time we do something like that though I am going to make it adults only, at a bar, where we can talk and drink and just try to have fun.  I kind of felt like I was in this fog tonight.  Like I was just going through the motions.  It wasn’t all that therapeutic.  Kind of a blur.  Like we were doing something we thought we had to do, maybe we actually had to do it, but something was missing … she was missing

I need a vacation … from life … on a beach, somewhere warm … but i’m not quite sure that’s totally accurate because I would just be thinking about the kids the entire time


went to my third bear’s game this season today and it was FREEZING out.  the wind was the problem.  30+ mile an hour gusts with < 20 degree temps.

the tickets were free, a gift i suppose.  and i brought my sil who is a huge fan of the pats.  they destroyed the bears.  the bears weren’t even in it.  and although i’m a fan it felt really good to see them lose.  they weren’t supposed to be good this year, the coaching staff was supposed to get canned at the end of the season (which may still happen) but somehow, even after today, they sit at 9-4.  i think today was a reality check.  they’re just not that good; issues in coaching and some weak positions.  they’ve got some really good players but as shown today, they just are not a championship caliber team

i’m still missing something so huge at those games though, something personal.  i doubt it will ever be the same.  most of the time i just don’t let myself think about it and then bam it hits me out of nowhere.  i can’t even count how many times i might have thought about her but it was that one occurrence when walking to the pro shop … something, whatever it was, really hit me hard.  and that was all i needed.  a couple dozen memories rushed in and like a reality check i remembered how bad i miss her

the kids stayed w/grandma most of the weekend. i figured i would pick them up tonight and take them home but that didn’t happen.  they were overtired and not readily willing to leave.  so they’re still there and i’m home.  i’m not quite sure how different if it would be if i brought them home, they would be sleeping anyways, but it’s still the point of having them here, caring for the, waking up with them, etc.  i think i need something to change, maybe just something small.  i’m not sure what it is but i feel like there’s something that isn’t quite going the way i want it to go

saturday was my friends annual Norwegian holiday party.  it’s a nice time.  a little too ‘adult’ for me i think.  they’ve been friends of ours for a while but not the crazy out all night rockstar friends … the more low-keyed ones.  we did their parties a couple times in the past but skipped last year … wonder way?  it was still hard to go this year and maybe that’s why it was a little blah for me.  i could have easily skipped and maybe i should have.  i kept worring that someone would raise the topic at a time (which was pretty much any time) that i wasn’t prepared for it.  it didn’t really come up except when i was trying to leave.  i had to cut my friend off and tell him to save it for another time … not a time when he’s drunk, i’m sober, and he wants to bring up my issues …

anyways … just wanted to mention it.  getting tired here so i’m probably going to pass out soon.  i should clean the house up a bit first but i might hold off on that til tomorrow

the mommy topic

so i wasn’t planning on writing again but then some stuff came up today at e’s preschool christmas party.

first her teacher was explaining something to grandma.  i guess recently they were talking about the christmas party and said how moms & dads, grandmas & grandpas would be there.  she told one of the teachers that her mommy couldn’t come because she was in heaven

minutes later a little girl in the class must have said something, probably along the lines of let’s go talk to your mommy.  e responded with, i don’t have a mommy, she’s in heaven.  the little girl, without hearing e, started to walk in our direction, probably expecting her to follow.  becuase she didn’t hear e, she repeated her comment a couple times.

she should NOT have to deal with this


on another topic – o, and i ordered our christmas cards.  i’m actually can’t wait til i get em.  i hope they turn out nice because i think they’re going to b really cute