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August, 2009:

And then there were more questions

Where’s ‘my’ mommy?

We were reading the book, baby bear, baby bear what do you see?  The last animal in the book is mommy bear.  E skipped right from baby to mommy and asked where her mommy is 🙁  I asked, where’s baby bear’s mommy?  She said no, where’s my mommy.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Tomorrow cannot come and go fast enough.

As we loaded E into the car at grandma’s, Titi asked her what she was supposed to sing to Daddy in the morning.  E began to sing.  And then the tears came.

If it was only possible to just skip the day. 

When we split up our cubs tickets, I specifically picked this day so “we” would be able to go.  Every set of tickets I picked was so that “we” would be able to go together.  More specifically, they were days when Cari didn’t have to work at the restaurant.  I think we only went to 2 together this year.  So tomorrow night I get to watch the struggling cubs without her on a day I wish would end before it started.

I’m just not looking forward to another reminder of what I’m forced to live without.

Random thoughts

As I do some yard work, the minimal I’m even able to do given the circumstances, I look up at the front door expecting Cari to be standing there with one or both the kids.  Something she did many times.

When I bring Carson into bed in the morning, I expect her to be laying there with me fascinated by the little human we created.  I expect her to be there regardless.  That’s probably why the only time I’m even in the bed is to feed Carson in the morning.  It’s the only time I can tolerate it.  Probably because I’m so extremely exhausted at that time.

When I pull up to the house, I expect her to be there waiting for me.

When I give the kids a bath, I expect her to be right next to me helping out with one or the other.

It’s nonstop.  It extremely sad.  Why?

It’s hard to see our friends together with one another, with their new families.

People ask how I’m doing.  I think they expect a different answer.  For me the word horrible recently turned to miserable.  That’s the new phrase I am using anyways.  They mean the same to me.  Maybe I would be better off just saying, this all just fucking sucks!

I miss u 🙁

Today she asked …

Is mommy home yet?

Sliding together

I really cannot believe she’s not with us to experience this.  It makes me so sad.

On Sunday we took a walk to the park (and of course past the accident site too).  C got to ride on the swing for the first time (E pushed him, she insisted).  And then E insisted she do one more thing, take a ride down the slide with him.  He can sit up without support but he can’t pull himself up yet so I was standing close beside all of this.  These turned out to be some pretty damn cute pictures.