August, 2010:

It was a big day for my little girl, the 1st day of preschool

Fortunately she’s had a lot of exposure to group activities and even a couple kids-only activities.  So this wasn’t a whole lot different just a little longer than ever before; 2 1/2 hours right before her usual nap time.  But she did fine.  I’m not surprised.  She is so smart.  She rocks!

But because of the start time and excitement surrounding it all, we missed her nap today.  However, she was asleep for the night by 9 … without issue.  I probably could have done it a little earlier but her friend was over so she wanted to stay up.

I don’t know if I was supposed to feel any new emotions today but I didn’t.  Unfortunately that probably had a little to do with my work situation.  It’s on my mind all day and keeping me up at night.  It didn’t have to be this way but some poor decisions were made and now I’m dealing with the consequences and will most likely move on to something else.

But I digress … today was a BIG day.  I’m so proud of her and I know Cari would have been very excited.  I could only imagine what this day would have been like in our other reality.  Let’s think …

I might have moved into a different position at work.  Would we have moved close to lessen the commute?  Perhaps.  Let’s say we didn’t and stayed put here.  That seems more realistic.  We probably would have chosen a school close to the house, more than likely the same one as a couple of her/our friends.  The day would have been a whole lot different.  But I just can’t even imagine.  What would we have done, what things would have happened.  There’s no way to know.  We’re just missing such an important part of our lives; the kids are missing out on so much of what they should have had.

I feel like I’ve been slacking a bit here.

I did the zoo again this past weekend w/the kids.  That Bear exhibit is SO cool.  But, OMG it was so humid out.  Ridiculous. 

And then I went to the Bear’s preseason game.  They were horrible.  I told a friend earlier in the week that my opinion of the upcoming season went from what I saw as a potentially successful season to one of failure.  I had a conversation with a top dogg which completely changed my opinion.  And then after this first game … man they’re a mess.  Oh, and then I stayed up WAY too late and that made for a rough Sunday

So besides that I just need to do some venting

My new boss … he’s unqualified for the position.  He must have a horseshoe up his ass or maybe he just  “KNOWS” someone.  He’s absolutely unqualified.  The interview pool we had to choose from was virtually talentless (now I’m being a little harsh but I’m pissed).  For some reason management decided to hire this guy; probably because he was the only one of the three with software experience.  Nice!  How much are they paying him?  How much did they pay to move him and his family here?  Did he get a signing bonus?  That stuff only adds to the fire.  If the person was highly talented this would be a non issue.  But he’s less talented than me so this is a problem.  He’s also not producing, causing me and the others in the department to pick up the slack … the problem gets worse.  We try to talk to him but his biggest issue is that he CANNOT communicate.  How do you talk to someone who has issues communicating.  He’s off in lala land thinking about this goldmine job he just landed. 

So I went to his boss today.  Another top dogg.  He basically said it’s not his problem, it’s a departmental issue, and we need to fix it.  WTF!!!  Seriously, WTF!!!  I absolutely don’t get it.  I took what I thought were some positive steps to identify an issue with the goal of putting some resolve to it.  Instead, the issue was immediately redirected to me as if it’s my problem and I need to solve it.  Well for that my resume is rewritten, my resignation letter too, and I’m ready to move on. 

Unfortunately it’s not that easy … you know, that issue of me being the single parent here.  So this probably will continue on for a number of weeks.  However, this has been a long time coming and this IS the icing on the cake.  I don’t need the added stress.  I consistently perform above expectations and am committed to my job but they don’t see that, they don’t see the worth and what they’ll lose when I leave.

He peed in the potty chair!!!  Woo Hoo!  But who’s going to clean it out of there.  Honey?  Oh…

I think we had her on the toilet for months before she actually peed in it.  She never really took to the potty chair … thank goodness.  Who wants to clean all the junk out of there.  It’s way easier if they just go in the toilet. 

I haven’t had much luck getting him to sit still on the toilet and haven’t fared much better on the potty chair either.

For the past couple months or so as soon as the diaper came off he peed right there on the floor.  So we started “trying” to get him used to the potty chair or toilet; whatever we could sit him on for a least a few seconds.  Today…SUCCESS!

It was bath time and the diaper was dry.  Perfect opportunity.  So I sat him down and he jumped right back up.  Damn.  Of course he didn’t sit down right away either.  But I finally got him to sit.  And somehow I motivated him to sit there long enough to pee (I think I talked him into the peeing part too) 

I couldn’t see if anything was in the potty while he was sitting there.  It seemed like he might have done something as he was acting a little different, but it was dark down there in the pot.  Then he got up, there it was, and we got super excited.  Go C!!!

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Lots of other stuff going on…

Work blows.  Management (or whatever you want to call the upper echelon) is far from working as a cohesive team.  I thought maybe things would be different after a few top dogs were canned but nothing changed.  After personally experiencing the discontinuity of the group this morning there’s no doubt in my mind who the real problem is … their leader.  $1,000 he’s gone by February. 

It was a long weekend.  Nothing too much Friday but a late afternoon 1st birthday party Saturday and then to Arlington Park Raceway for the first time on Sunday with a group of friends. 

At the birthday party he jumped right into the kiddie pool with all his clothes.  Great 🙁  I brought a bathing suit for both of them but for some reason only a change of clothes for her.  Fortunately he doesn’t know the difference yet because I had him run around in a cute pink shirt until some friends let me borrow a boys shirt of theirs.

The race track was a really nice time.  However, reminiscing about it  today was just another sad reminder that she is missed SO VERY MUCH.  It would have been nice to have had all our friends there with us but the group that was there was the perfect size and the perfect group of people. 

 The day didn’t start out too hot (I’m not talking about the temperature).  I decided to take Luci into the emergency vet because she had diarrhea all over the house and then some blood in her stool.  That only cost a couple hundred for them to pretty much do nothing.  She seems okay now.   That was at 9am and we had to leave for the track around 11. 

We got there at just after noon and actually stayed til nearly 4:30.  C was passed out before we left the parking lot. 

They had a petting zoo there for the kids and pony rides.  I bet on some races and won a whole $5 and change.  But it was still fun.  Fun to be with our friends and have some semi-adult time.  My friends are simply the BEST.  They are so good with the kids and so good too us.  We’re really fortunate.  All the kids together were really cute too.  Here they are watching the race

And they always do.  I seem more aware of these unfortunate tragedies, now more than ever before. 

Yesterday morning I was driving along 103rd to drop off the kids at grandma’s.  I noticed metal barricades placed in front of the same funeral home that Cari’s services were at.  I figured it was for the firefighter.  Sure enough, after I picked the kids up on the way home and we passed by that same funeral home a firetruck with it’s ladder raised and a huge American flag hanging from it was sitting in front of the building.

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2010/08/hundreds-gather-for-funeral-of-firefighter.html

Passing by that place nearly ever day is a real reminder (as if I need one though).  But when the parking lot is filled nearly every other day but especially when it’s filled for a reason like that, my heart just drops. 

The loss of his life makes me sad once again for the loss of hers. 

These days I can only imagine how things would be.  We’ve missed out on so much.  What would we be doing, what would we have done?  I’ll never know

I had a crappy dream Friday where Cari and I were arguing about something.  I’ve had similar dreams before.  I’m guessing I know why I have them.  Perhaps I should be happy that at least I dream about her.  But they’re are just so intense that it really throws off my day. 

The feelings are so real, so painful.  Sometimes they aren’t so unnerving, they’re actually nice,but I would have to say that the most recent ones are less than ideal … involving some sort of fight or argument … some sort of unresolvable situation.

Saturday I went out with a friend in the city.  She has her own issues and it seems like she thinks it’s okay to lay them on me because in some small way there’s a commonality.  She certainly means well and all that and I’m not bitching here, just saying…her issues are just different.  The only similarity is that she also has two small children and is raising them on her own.  Everything else is different.

Anyways, I took her to the city.  Saw m&j at north ave beach for a while.  It was like we went to south beach or something … half naked people everywhere.  I’m going to need to go back there again soon 🙂 

Then we went to dinner and to retro on roscoe for a bit. 

The restaurant I decided to go to has been weighing on my shoulders for a while.  It was ‘our’ favorite restaurant, so going there without her was very awkward.  I kept telling myself that I didn’t want to go back.  But the food is just oh-so-good and going back was just a matter of time. 

After I ordered and my dish came I was so pissed I ordered the wrong thing.  I meant to order her favorite but picked the wrong one … even though the one I ordered was really really really good I still wanted to order her fav.  I guess I’ll just have to go back again.

My friend wasn’t all that impressed even though she did like my meal.  She’s just not a city person like we were, or cultured or whatever you want to call it. 

Then we went to retro on roscoe.  It was SO humid out.  I was a sweaty mess.  Then it hit me, like a brick wall.  That same sensation I’ve felt so many times.  The realization of what I lost.

That’s why it sucks going back to things like that.  I’m standing there.  Missing her so much.  Seeing tons of other people having so much fun together.  None of our friends are there because maybe we lost a bit of that group-togetherness thing we had before.  But, knowing we would be right there with them all.  Knowing that it’s completely different now.  Realizing that this isn’t going to get better any time soon.  Feeling like I lost such a significant part of me that just won’t ever be there again.  That is such an undesirable feeling.  It sucks.

Maybe I just need to break out of this shell.  Maybe I just need a major life change.  Not the change that was forced upon me but something else.  A change of job, of where I live … something.  Something major to get me out of this funk.  To help make things better…if that’s even possible

Perhaps the dream (nightmare) the night before didn’t help … AT ALL.  But still, this isn’t a new feeling and I’m pretty sure I’m going to feel it again