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June, 2011:

@ least something positive today …

GS went out without a spare diap (like usual) today.  I always get ragged on for carrying a bag of extra clothes & stuff, but you never know.  She never does and today she paid … a poop filled diap w/out wipes or a spare.  She cleaned him up and let him go without one.  No accidents and peed when they got home.  Go C!

Tonight at the carnival he insisted he had to pee … of course the only option is the porta-john YUCK!  I reluctantly took him in there (saying to myself, how is this going to work), stood him on the top of the toilet, helped make sure he didn’t fall in or pee on his pants … he went … without a mess … SUCCESS.  And then he insisted on going again … less than an hour later … again we did the same thing, stood him on the top of the toilet, aimed, and let loose … success again … so I guess I can’t rip on GS too much because this seems like progress


On another note … really REALLY needed you here today although you probably, i mean definitely, would be freaking out … i know i am.  Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!


2 days ago … 7am(ish) … Daddy? … few minutes later … Daddy? …

I was awake the whole time but pretending to sleep so she would hopefully go back down

After that 2nd Daddy … I miss Mommy, I want her to come back from Heaven … 🙁  Now we’re up and talking

Today, to Maddie, “Do you miss Mommy?” … “I miss her a lot, I want her to come back” 🙁

I told someone yesterday about her comments from Monday.  Their response was that she’s being like that because she’s around one of her friends more often and that girls relationship with her mom is why she’s saying it.  It’s unlikely that that’s the reason.  She says something like this ever few weeks.  It’s her missing Cari, her missing that huge piece of her life.  Her relationship with another girl is no different than her relationship with any other friend, any other kid, a family member who has a Mom in their life. 

Tomorrow, and the days to follow, will add an unwanted complexity to my already complicated life 🙁  I’m not looking forward to this … a story for another day (maybe)

Today C was really cute (as if he’s not cute every day).  I really wanted to capture the moment.  We were riding in the car, the rearview mirror tilted so I could see what they were doing.  I would say a big word, like spaghetti, and he would try to repeat it.  We tried all sorts of works, most he could say, but some would turn into his own variation.  I need to do that again and record it next time 4-sure!!!  He’s having some trouble with his S’s and his L’s.  His S’s turn into F’s and I think he’s skipping the L’s.  But when he says L he sticks his tongue out and as usual it’s really cute.  He is, however, putting a lot of words together now and singing a little bit too.

Yesterday they both had minor little mishaps at GS’s.  A toe caught in a door and a fall from a toy bike 🙁  There was a little blood and both still have bandaids on.  He rebounded right away but she’s still hurting from it

This past weekend GC brought over a teeball stand.  Both of them were smacking the ball off of it.  He’s throwing a spiral with the mini football already and he can throw a baseball across half the back room.  He’s shooting a basketball and swinging a golf club … it’s so much fun.  She’s in dance class now (but missed most of this week b’cuz of a cough and then b’cuz of her toe). 

It’s been the 3rd rainiest June in history so we haven’t spent a whole lot of time outside.  But we’re out there whenever it’s not raining.  Crazy how much it’s raining here and how dry it is out west.  What’s going on????  I don’t like thinking about that kind of stuff

I’ve really been slacking on these posts.  My picture taking is a little behind too 🙁  And my video taking is almost non-existent.  I can’t wait until my projects/client work slows down.  I am really busy and just want a break.  Maybe September … I think that’s somewhat realistic (I HOPE)


I think, often too much, about what would ever happen if something happened to me and someone else needed to care for the kids.

I did a bunch of paperwork for all that, but I still worry about it.  If Cari was here she would do what WE wanted to do for the kids.  But now it’s just me.  How do I make sure that someone else does what WE wanted for these kids.  I want to start writing it down (and then maybe legalize it later on).  My worry is that I tell people now and they don’t listen or have their own agenda … what THEY think is right isn’t necessarily what is right in my eyes or what I want for these kids

They need structure, they need guidance, they need education, they need all the basics too …

I want them in the best schools, I want them to be independent, I want them to be pushed to reach their full potential.  They need role models, they need to know right from wrong, they need to stand up for themselves, what they believe in, and not be afraid to be themselves.  How do I make sure that that stuff happens???  I struggle with this 🙁