Cari

I found it extremely difficult to fill out the bday card for my lil guy.  In the end I just wrote something simple (he can’t read anyways).  Sitting there with an empty card in front of me was far from easy.  There were too many thoughts. I just couldn’t figure out what to write. And I didn’t want to really think about any of that shit.

8 month. 4 days.  No easier.  No less painful.  Missing her all the time. 

The days and weeks leading up to yesterday were also difficult.  I didn’t want to plan anything.  At the last minute I invited family over for cake & dinner.  Some people didn’t show up til close to 8 and since his bedtime was usually at 8:30 … I was slightly annoyed.  I guess if someone would have let me know, it wouldn’t have been as big an issue.  So I did the family thing yesterday and I have friends coming over next weekend.  Next weekend is def going to be less structured.  I’m just going to order a bunch of pizzas, throw em on the table, and let things happen.  Gatherings at a small house are a little tough.  It would have been different if the situation weren’t like this.  Maybe it would have been better to do it at an outside location.  But my motivation to do something that should have involved all of us is super low.

None of yesterday and the days leading up were any fun w/out her.  I mean I’m excited about my lil guys b-day but it’s far from the same.  Far from how it was supposed to be.  I try my hardest not to take anything away from him.  He had a smash cake.  It was 8 something so I didn’t really care that he didn’t go crazy about but he still got a little messy.  It was cute!

Got a call about the whole thing a couple days ago.  And then the topic came up yesterday before the party.  Not that it made things any easier or more difficult.  Just something that happened.

I need a vacation some place warm.  Maybe I need to live somewhere warm.  It’s such a drag to be stuck in the house.  Sure there are indoor places to go but I would much rather walk to the park down the road whenever I wanted to; any day and hour of the day.

So … today kinda sucks. 

However, the kids really do well together.  They fight.  Which isn’t a bad thing.  He takes something, she takes it back, he screams at her and tries to get it back, she screams … then they each find something else to move on to.  But she loves him a ton and I’m sure he feels the same.

He was having some milk issues a week or so ago.  It was probably just teething or getting used to milk (breaking away from formula) but we’re past it now.  He had about 14 oz of whole milk today and seemed to want even more.  He would actually pull the empty bottle back to his mouth.  He’s a nonstop eating machine.  There’s nothing he won’t put in his mouth.  She’s the complete opposite.  Milk is also currently an issue for her.  Trying to break the bottle and not having a whole lot of luck getting milk in her w/out it.  She actually seems to have let go of the bottle so it’s just a matter of getting milk into her somehow.  She’s a picky eater.  She’s been doing really well with potty training.  Can’t seem to get the #2 part down yet.  Had to mix in some miralax today because it’s been a few days.  But she stays dry for just about all naps and she’s 1 for 2 the last two nights going without a diap.  She wasn’t upset when she woke today after not making it the whole night.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad but she didn’t ask for a diap this morning so that seems like good progress.

EIGHT MONTHS! (In my exhausted state I originally counted 9 months …. as if it matters though.  It still sucks!)

I really @#$% hate that we are in this situation. 

I spent the weekend away with some old fraternity brothers.  Has it really been 10 years.  The topic came up a few times.  I deflected it a bit.  I was thinking I might get some much needed rest but I’m more tired now than before I left.  I probably needed those days away but I might have been better off on the beach rather than northern wisc.  We did some ice fishing, snowboarding, played a bunch of poker games.  It was def a boys weekend.

But I’m back to my reality now.  Just in time for another month to pass.  Note to self: if I have another weekend like that, be prepared to experience some unwanted emotions because I’m more likely to let down my guard.

I’m definitely having a tough time today.  The single attempt at talking about today was enough to bring on the tears. 

I spoke to my brother today about giving him E’s furniture for their new baby (if they wanted it).  Kind of a hand-me-down sort of thing I suppose.  Furniture that should have and would have been used for baby #3.  If this happens I’ll get E a new set of big girl furniture.  If it doesn’t I’ll move that down to C (because the quality of his furniture is somewhat questionable), and then still upgrade her.  I didn’t expect the offer to be tough to talk about.  But it was.  He didn’t know that. 

She, btw, is doing so good with potty training this past week.  We had her going good for a while then our world got turned upside down.  It’s been a battle, like many other things, to make good progress with it.  But she’s almost 3 and I would like to get things going.  It’s one of those things.  Just another one of those things …

Why did this happen to us?  I really just don’t get it.

That’s probably why the 4+ months of Summer seem so amazing.  Because we’re locked indoors for the other 8 months or so.

Not as if I would have been able to enjoy the weather the past summer, but it was one of the cooler summers on record.  And now it’s only the beginning of Jan and it’s been feeling like late Feb for the past few weeks.  I’m sick of it.  “Fortunately” it might reach above freezing on Wednesday. (Do you know they are now referring to what we’re in as a mini-ice age.  Seriously?  WTF!  The news is rediculous)

C still isn’t walking but he’s a speed racer up the stairs.

I still haven’t figure out their b-day parties yet.  CRAP!

I think my I go through my days (and nights) insome some sort of tunnel vision.  I don’t allow myself to go outside the boundaries of what gets me through the day.

C has a fever.  Teething?  Maybe.  Last night he didn’t sleep well.  His naps during the day have been minimal.  He’s fussy about the bottle (milk in general).  He’s probably super thirsty … he’s up again (brb) 

So that brb didn’t happen until just now, like 12 hours later (or so). 

C woke up and woke up again and again and again (I lost count … or better yet stopped counting).  It was a rough night.  And E of course had to wake up at some point too.  Not sure what time that was.  Maybe around the 5am hour.  I do know that I was up at 6 and have been up since (normally it’s more like 7.30 with a decent night sleep) so I’m exhausted.

Traffic into the office stunk too.  Some jackass decided to get into an accident and screw things up for the rest of us.  But even with that it only took a little over an hour and that included starbucks and the dry cleaners. 

Anyways …

It is supposed to be above freezing for a few days here.  That’s cold but better than it’s been.

And I’m actually going away this weekend.  Without the kiddos.  It’ll be awkward I’m sure.  It’s with some friends from school; ice fishing (which i’ve never done) and some skiing (or probably snowboarding).  And it looks like the weather will be decent.  It’s in upper wisc so it will still be cold but anywhere in the upper 20’s will be more than acceptable.

So I intended to write more meaningful crap here but my night was screwed up.  I had to drive into the office.  And I’m freaking tired.

I think about u all the time.  My brother found out they’re expecting a girl.  I told E and it didn’t really phase her but she’s going to have so much fun with her new little cousin, I’m sure.

Speaking of winters sucking and that hour+ drive in … it offers me some undesireable time to think because there’s nothing else to do in that time (other than play b96 as loud as possible and sing to some of those songs I would prolly never do outside the car).  I WILL buy a boat.  And I thought of a new name.  I added a quote of yours to my e-mail.  I randomly found it but it seemed all too fitting …

“Everyone thinks I am a spoiled brat for all of the vacations that we take, but my theory is that you only live once and we want to see as much of the world as possible”

So as of right now I’m going to take something from that, “you only live once.”  That will be it’s name.