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January, 2010:

It’s not any easier

Maybe someday it will be.  But it’s one thing to deal with the grief part yet so much more to raise two babies on my own.

She’s the only person that can provide me with what i need right now.  There’s no one else around me who can.  It’s complicated.  She’s simply irreplaceable.

Today the kids are both sick.  I was supposed to attempt a dual b-day party for them at the house but I canceled it.  They’re miserable.  And that’s taking its toll on me too.  I’m not sure what I was thinking contemplating a party at the house.  If the weather was warm that would be one thing.  But I don’t have the space for more than a handful of people.

Not sure what news channel I had on this morning.  I think it might have been abc.  Well they played this thing called your three words.  I’m not sure why I watched it.  Usually I just shut that crap off.  However I watched and the last one was … ‘donated my liver, saved my life’.  It was touching.  It made me think about our situation; my wife & kids.  I still need to find words to put on this memorial plaque so I’ve already been looking for words…

‘gave my life, saved our kids’

I don’t know. I still need to figure out what to write on the plaque. Have been bouncing around a lot of ideas but maybe it will be something along those lines.  A lot was lost here.  It was just a young life, but a mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, cousin … future aunt, grandma.  And those are just some of her titles.  There was so much more.   How do I express that in 4 lines and a limited number of characters?

Another rough night.  Limited sleep.  Sick kids.  No break.  Ugh!

Remembering…June 5, 2004

Reference to this topic came up tonight after walleyball (my one serious effort at getting some exercise each week).  I’m not a big fan of walleyball (an racquetball court version of volleyball) but it’s exercise and I need it.

I could probably write forever about our time on the north side of chicago before the kiddies came … and after attempting to narrow the topic down to just our time in wrigley, it became apparent that I’m just going to have to talk about this particular day.  Which is cool because it was a lot of fun

So June 5, 2004.  I would probably have no idea what day this actually was if it weren’t for my camera.  I also wouldn’t have 98 pictures from this day if it weren’t for it too.  But I do and that’s awesome.  I actually remember a lot about this day, the pictures probably help, but I’m sure the 12+ hours of partying does put a little haze over the whole thing.

It started out with a cubs game day.  And I looked back and June 5th of that year is a saturday so things were only just beginning.

Summer in chicago rocks.  And guessing at the clothes everyone was wearing it was also a warm summer day.   TROUBLE!

So cubs game to start.  Then back to the apartment for drinks & bags (literally a 1/2 block from the stadium).  Then off to the Sheffield fest for some Mike & Joe and Hairbangers.  Then back to the apartment but with a ton more people including members of both bands.  Then it got dark and we were still going strong.  Some people left, more people came. 


@ the game w/Aaron, Jen, Cari & Me


Bags in front of the apt with Aaron.  One of many games played in that spot over the years


Ran into ogar (from revenge of the nerds) at the street fest


My baby doll …  I miss her so much!

I’m actually really glad I have that picture.  It really is representative of her personality.


A decent attempt at a self picture.  We became pretty good at this




It’s getting dark but we’re still going at it.

And there are plenty more pictures but those ones are for me.

That day and many others like it should have continued to replay itself last year, this year, and in so many years to come.  It just will never be the same.

1st bday … the day after

I found it extremely difficult to fill out the bday card for my lil guy.  In the end I just wrote something simple (he can’t read anyways).  Sitting there with an empty card in front of me was far from easy.  There were too many thoughts. I just couldn’t figure out what to write. And I didn’t want to really think about any of that shit.

8 month. 4 days.  No easier.  No less painful.  Missing her all the time. 

The days and weeks leading up to yesterday were also difficult.  I didn’t want to plan anything.  At the last minute I invited family over for cake & dinner.  Some people didn’t show up til close to 8 and since his bedtime was usually at 8:30 … I was slightly annoyed.  I guess if someone would have let me know, it wouldn’t have been as big an issue.  So I did the family thing yesterday and I have friends coming over next weekend.  Next weekend is def going to be less structured.  I’m just going to order a bunch of pizzas, throw em on the table, and let things happen.  Gatherings at a small house are a little tough.  It would have been different if the situation weren’t like this.  Maybe it would have been better to do it at an outside location.  But my motivation to do something that should have involved all of us is super low.

None of yesterday and the days leading up were any fun w/out her.  I mean I’m excited about my lil guys b-day but it’s far from the same.  Far from how it was supposed to be.  I try my hardest not to take anything away from him.  He had a smash cake.  It was 8 something so I didn’t really care that he didn’t go crazy about but he still got a little messy.  It was cute!

Got a call about the whole thing a couple days ago.  And then the topic came up yesterday before the party.  Not that it made things any easier or more difficult.  Just something that happened.

I need a vacation some place warm.  Maybe I need to live somewhere warm.  It’s such a drag to be stuck in the house.  Sure there are indoor places to go but I would much rather walk to the park down the road whenever I wanted to; any day and hour of the day.

So … today kinda sucks. 

However, the kids really do well together.  They fight.  Which isn’t a bad thing.  He takes something, she takes it back, he screams at her and tries to get it back, she screams … then they each find something else to move on to.  But she loves him a ton and I’m sure he feels the same.

He was having some milk issues a week or so ago.  It was probably just teething or getting used to milk (breaking away from formula) but we’re past it now.  He had about 14 oz of whole milk today and seemed to want even more.  He would actually pull the empty bottle back to his mouth.  He’s a nonstop eating machine.  There’s nothing he won’t put in his mouth.  She’s the complete opposite.  Milk is also currently an issue for her.  Trying to break the bottle and not having a whole lot of luck getting milk in her w/out it.  She actually seems to have let go of the bottle so it’s just a matter of getting milk into her somehow.  She’s a picky eater.  She’s been doing really well with potty training.  Can’t seem to get the #2 part down yet.  Had to mix in some miralax today because it’s been a few days.  But she stays dry for just about all naps and she’s 1 for 2 the last two nights going without a diap.  She wasn’t upset when she woke today after not making it the whole night.  I don’t know if that’s good or bad but she didn’t ask for a diap this morning so that seems like good progress.

Happy 1st Birthday ‘lil guy!

1 today!



You are our little miracle.  We love you so much.

As a side note, big sis went the whole day (and night) yesterday w/out diapers.  Yay!


EIGHT MONTHS! (In my exhausted state I originally counted 9 months …. as if it matters though.  It still sucks!)

I really @#$% hate that we are in this situation. 

I spent the weekend away with some old fraternity brothers.  Has it really been 10 years.  The topic came up a few times.  I deflected it a bit.  I was thinking I might get some much needed rest but I’m more tired now than before I left.  I probably needed those days away but I might have been better off on the beach rather than northern wisc.  We did some ice fishing, snowboarding, played a bunch of poker games.  It was def a boys weekend.

But I’m back to my reality now.  Just in time for another month to pass.  Note to self: if I have another weekend like that, be prepared to experience some unwanted emotions because I’m more likely to let down my guard.

I’m definitely having a tough time today.  The single attempt at talking about today was enough to bring on the tears. 

I spoke to my brother today about giving him E’s furniture for their new baby (if they wanted it).  Kind of a hand-me-down sort of thing I suppose.  Furniture that should have and would have been used for baby #3.  If this happens I’ll get E a new set of big girl furniture.  If it doesn’t I’ll move that down to C (because the quality of his furniture is somewhat questionable), and then still upgrade her.  I didn’t expect the offer to be tough to talk about.  But it was.  He didn’t know that. 

She, btw, is doing so good with potty training this past week.  We had her going good for a while then our world got turned upside down.  It’s been a battle, like many other things, to make good progress with it.  But she’s almost 3 and I would like to get things going.  It’s one of those things.  Just another one of those things …

Why did this happen to us?  I really just don’t get it.