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December, 2009:

The past week … or so

From the mouth of my precious lil girl while emptying our christmas stockings …

“Mommy will do her’s [stocking] when she gets back.”

“Can we open Mommy’s now?”

Of course Mommy’s was empty.  Should it have been?  That was one of, if not the hardest single moment of the past week.

Sitting at the kitchen table at her cousins, her sister sat across from me while trying on a new hat.  For whatever reason she looked so much like Cari.  I had to get up and walk away.  Another difficult experience.

And then there was (in no particular order) …

Wrapping presents; Purchasing them; Putting them under the tree christmas eve night after the kids were asleep; Getting E excited about the night; Cookies & milk for Santa; all of … Christmas eve; Christmas morning; Christmas day; Christmas night, Cookie party, Pictures with Santa;

Then on top of it all I think E is really feeling the loss of that significant and very important part of her life.  She needs her Mommy.  Her imagination is incredibly advanced, I think anyways.  She has a lot of aunties and other females around but not a single Mommy.  It’s hard to describe but you can tell by the way she talks that she is serious need of someone, some single person, in that role.  She wants to pretend that someone is her Mommy … “Are you my Mommy?” she says over and over again.

And just now …

It’s impossible to hold back the tears while writing this.  E came over to me and said (in her sweat innocent little voice), “Oh, why are you crying Daddy.”  “Because I miss Mommy” … She says, “I miss Mommy too.”

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention … the kids were sick the entire week of christmas … and they’re still sick today.

Anyways, here are some pix …







The word keeps running through my head.

That’s what I feel like.  Cheated!

Cheated out of how things should have been.  Cheated out of my best friend, my love.  But the kids especially.  Cheated out of having the one person in their life they needed so much. 

And then today E said something.  I wish I could remember her exact words.  It’s like maybe she does know that Mommy isn’t coming back.  What she said made it feel like she does.

Poor girl.  Isn’t feeling well either.

And then I received this.  I knew it would make me emotional.

I can’t wait … well I keep saying for these days/weeks to be over, true, but … well I don’t know what I want to say.

Restless night

(Written Tues) … Too much shit going on in my head I think.  Either that or falling asleep on my daughter’s floor just isn’t as comfortable as it should be.

Probably both.

Counting down the days til this crappy holiday season is in the past.

I wish that my requests or decisions to do a certain thing weren’t met with even the smallest amount of opposition.  Wanting to have christmas morning at my house with the kids is what I want.  It’s not ‘starting new traditions’.  It’s not ‘making things complicated’.  It’s not ‘a sad place to be’.  It’s what I want.  It’s what we most likely would have done anyways especially since transporting a car load of presents to another house just to open them is less than ideal.  Anything other than what I want is what makes things complicated.  Everything else will be figured out.  What’s most important to me, what would have been most important to us, is completely centered around the kids.  They’re all that matters here. 

Didn’t really plan to write about that just now but I guess I needed to.

One of them might be catching a cold.  Yuck.  Yesterday there was the possibility of fever and some loose poops.  I was hoping we could get at least through Friday without getting sick but that’s probably not going to happen.  It’s like as soon as I take them around other kids they catch something. 

Preschool … it’s on my mind.  I read some information about groups of people who do a sort of at-home schooling.  They create the curriculum and over time have involved a number of families.  I don’t see the benefit in a full day class every day of the week or even a half day class every day of the week.  I guess it kind of depends a little.  A half day every day that focused on a wide variety of things in a semi-structured environment is probably ideal.  I think we’ve been doing a pretty good job on the basics so far.  She seems advanced for her age.  So I’m not sure if we just continue this way for another year and then enter kindergarden or if a classroom setting is best.  We already have her in social environments.

(Written Today) …

Took them to see santa.  Nothing like waiting til the last minute.  Maybe if we didn’t have to wait an hour plus E would have sat on his lap.  But she didn’t.  Maybe next year.  C took a cute picture too.

I threw him in bed as soon as I got back.  He passed right out.  E … not so much.  She’s sick.  Running a fever; a low one when I took it.  I hope she gets past this quickly.  Keeping my fingers crossed.

Anyways, just needed to wrap up this post.  Might write more later.

How long til one of them wakes up?

I feel like titling each one of these with a big sigh or phew!  Probably because the only time I actually have time to do this is the same time I need to let out a deep breath.

Today … kids up, bathed, dressed, fed (sort of), in the car, to dunkin donuts (fed some more), got gas, went to jewel, got home (i felt like i could have just kept driving if that meant the kids would sleep), put C down (that took 20 mins), did some dishes with E (she really enjoys it and didn’t get too wet this time … good thing because she’s dressed in what she’s wearing later today), fed her, made an appetizer with E with the stuff we picked up at jewel, E down for a nap, kitchen clean (sort of), a little food in me … and now sitting on the couch watching Wall-E (something about this cute, no-brain cartoon that makes me want to turn to that channel everytime it’s on tv).

The day started at 8:15 and it’s 1:15 right now. 

I should take a nap but the large coffee from dd isn’t going to allow that.  Besides, C will probably be up the second I fall asleep so why bother.

I had a couple crazy dreams lately (maybe just last night i can’t really remember).  One with Cari.  It was short but seemed so real.  Maybe it was partly because E was having a little dress up party with Cari’s clothes but the dream was about Cari getting dressed.  It seemed so real but at the same time made this whole situation so much more real.  And the 2nd was kind of freaky.  Without getting into the details the last thing I remember is C screaming, which of course woke me up instantly, but he wasn’t really screaming and it was just a dream.

There’s a letter from someone sitting on the counter.  A personal letter more than likely talking about the topic … yuck.  So now I need to find a time that I feel like getting upset on purpose … let’s just say it’s not high on my priority list.

Did the brookfield zoo lights yesterday.  Chilly but nice.  All the zoo animals (the majority anyways) were sleeping.  Finally saw the polar bear.  I’m not sure why that guy wasn’t out, this is their ideal weather isn’t it?  One of the kids we were with got sick and when she went home had a fever … oh man I don’t need or want that right now.  Let’s hope there wasn’t a whole lot of time for the illness to spread. 

In a couple hours we’re headed to a friends cookie-making party for the kids.  Cari would have been SO excited for this.  E is going to probably have a blast.

Month 7


The only thing I can really say is this past month went by so0… slow.

Relatively healthy kids.  Thanksgiving, Cari’s b-day.  Christmas shopping which bordered between difficult to impossible.  Tooth #4 for lil guy.  He’s nearly walking…he can balance standing up without holding onto anything for a good 20 sec.  He says dada, grandma (sort of).  His smile is awesome…u have to see it.

I can’t wait to get past the holiday’s and then our anniversary.  But I’m not looking forward to when yet another month has passed.