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October, 2009:

A friday post

Lately I’ve been posting only at the beginning of the week but thought I might get one done today before the busy halloween weekend. 

E has already dressed up 3 times.  Twice as a penguin and once as tinker bell.  I think we’ll stick with the penguin for halloween.  Although I think she’s grown an inch or two since we purchased the costume because she hardly fits in it any more.


It has been raining for another 24+ hours straight.  Where are we?  When does it ever rain this much.  It’s dreary.  At least it isn’t snow.  I think they had 20 inches in Denver today.  So it could be worse.

At my most recent therapy session I was asked the question, “What do I miss the most [about Cari]?”  I think I could go without these sessions.  They only cause me to dig up crappy feelings about this whole situation.  I couldn’t even answer this question.  It did make me think and I thought about as many things as I could without saying any of them.  It’s way too tough to say them and hard enough just to think about them.  Therapy???  Do I need it?  I guess I do some therapy here but it is much more difficult to be vocal about it all.

We have this jewel shop & share event coming up again.  Last time it raised over $2k for the kids.  I hope to do even better this time.  It’s all pretty simple it’s just a matter of getting people involved.  There’s no cost, we just get a small percentage of all goods sold during the 3-day period when people submit the coupon to the cashier.  Every little bit helps.  But of course getting support means talking about the reason for needing it. 🙁 But whatcha gonna do, right?

Well, I”m going to try and hit up the gym quickly b4 picking up the kids.  I need to get there a little more often than I do.

She’s missing the little things

A short while ago I wrote about how I missed the small things.  But then yesterday during the ride home from picking the kids up after work, while E sang along to a song playing on the cd player, it really hit me that Cari’s missing the small things too.  And then I start writing this and it’s really that she’s missing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING … 🙁  But it’s those small things.  There are so many that it’s impossible to capture them all.  Like when one of the kids is able to memorize the words to a song or book and can repeat it w/out any help or those big milestones (crawling, walking, talking, smiling, 1st days of anything, whatever), events, holidays, playing in the leaves, trick-or-treating, holding hands, growing up … the list is endless.

And then I find myself here again at Corner Bakery unable to hold back some tears.

Some former clients of mine just e-mailed me saying they raised money for the kids via an event they had last week.  I didn’t attend.  I wanted to go but at the same time didn’t.  It’s easy[ier] to avoid situations that are difficult.  This was one of them.  But I should have went.  Actually I tried last minute to find someone to go w/me but it didn’t work out.  And then there was the issue of finding a sitter and w/out someone to go with I didn’t put a whole lot of emphasis on coordinating w/a sitter.

We have this girl, a former student of Cari’s, who I have hired as a kind of daddy’s helper on Mon & Tues nights.  I’m usually around but it’s helpful to have this other person there so I can get a few things accomplished (well maybe just 1, but it’s something anyways).  The problem is that she’s only there for a couple hours and E doesn’t ever want her to leave.  I’m up in the air on whether this is a good or bad thing.  It’s probably good she has someone other than fam to interact with, but the problem is she doesn’t want her to leave when it’s time to go.

A special moment

I actually started this on the 21st and must not have published it …

A couple hours ago I took E to the store and then to pick up some dinner.  C stayed at home with grandma.  We just had to pick up a few things; milk, pizza, popsicles, bread, cereal.  While we walked down the freezer aisle E fell a few yards behind.  All of a sudden she came running up and grabbed my hand.  It was a simple gesture but seemed like something that never happened before … not like this anyways.  I’ve held her hand of course but not like this.  We held hands, for the most part, throughout the remainder of our time in the store.  For some reason there was just something special about what had happened here.  It is difficult to explain.  It was just a really good feeling.

It’s Fall :(

It’s been raining pretty much non-stop for the past few days.  Between Thurs & Fri I don’t think it stopped at all.  I raked up some leaves before the rain and brought the kids outside for a few quick pix.  It was very impromptu and the wind was picking up so we only had a few mins to get them in.  I didn’t even have a chance to really get them dressed in anything special so I’m def going to have to find another opportunity to take some more. 

After all that rain our yard was covered again with a bed of bright yellow leaves.  I was really hoping to get those into a pile for some more but a neighbor graciously mowed them up before I had a chance.  I guess I cannot really complain because it was one less thing I had to worry about (raking up those leaves), but I was really set on taking some more pictures.


A pic of E & Mommy from 2008 after a Bears game …


And from 2007 when Daddy placed lil E into a big pile of leaves …


I’ve been slacking on posts but now as I sit here, in the office, I just can’t bring myself to write much more.  I don’t come into the office all that often.  They don’t have shit for me to do so why sit in the car for an hour plus (both ways) just to do the same thing I could do at home?  They pay me so I guess i have to stay, but it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  3+ years of pretty much doing nothing, just to get some perks, got old a long time ago.  But the job market out there sucks.  Too many people looking for work and looking to get paid whatever they can get.  I don’t have the time or energy to do 40+ hours a week while dealing with all the politics of corporate life so I guess I’m stuck.  Maybe I can find some investments to hold me over.  But then what do I do about insurance???

That’s enough ranting 4 now I think.  Maybe I can find something to keep me busy for a least a couple hours.  8 hours goes by really slow when there’s nothing to do.

In-Law Drama

Who are these people.  Or perhaps more specifically, who is this person?  It’s probably just one family member doing this, but I can’t be certain.  It’s most likely the same person who created the current issues I have with the family.  Obviously nothing has been done to fix/address anything.  Obviously she still has issues.  Obviously she is very immature.  I’m going to focus on her because it’s hard to believe any of the others would stoop to her level. 

So why am I writing this?  Last night (or more accurately, this morning at 2:45am) my phone buzzes with a notification that a text message was received…then another, and another, and another.  I can’t stand text messages, btw, that attempt to include emotion or are more than simple yes/no questions.   I can’t stand communication methods, like text messaging, where pe0ple can hide behind their phone (or their computer).   The texts were from a non-family member but the boyfriend (and now possible ex) of this particular in-law.  

The jist … stay away from that !@#$ family … you have no idea what they plan for you … you have no idea what they plan for your kids. WTF is he messaging me for and especially at 2:45?  Good freaking thing I didn’t read them until this morning because I never would have been able to go back to bed.

Now, I realize, especially if he is definitely an ex, that there are probably a lot of issues there.  I also assume that these messages at 2:45am mean alcohol was involved but I’m not sure on who’s part.  Furthermore, the particular family member referred to here doesn’t work and lives at home and is in her mid-20’s. 

Outside all that, she appears to be good with the kids.  But I’m absolutely concerned about her stability and then her ability to be around my children.  Do I pull them away completely?  This is not the first time I have had to consider this issue.