October, 2009:

I went from an okay day to feeling extremely overwhelmed.  I think I need a beer … and as soon as E goes to bed that’s the plan.

It was probably a combination of factors which led to my current state; lunch with a friend that resulted in some deep conversations I probably should have avoided, a ride to the ‘site’ to place some flowers that have been sitting in the kitchen for more than a week, work (or lack thereof), concerns about the economy, that condo i should have never gotten involved with, a need for exercise, the tenant who keeps complaining about an unpainted ceiling, a possible new cold/sickness … is that it???

Nope, there’s something else.  Something that is probably the main cause for all this.  I spent a good deal of time today looking for a video.  I was asked about it a month or so ago but just brushed off the request.  But when I was asked about it again today I decided to give it some good effort.  Unfortunately that effort resulted in a whole lot of unwanted emotions.  I went through a lot of stuff I would have rather left untouched.  I even found what looks like a diary from her time in Europe right after graduation.  Did I know something like that existed? 

She was usually the one who organized.  Which is extremely evident when I have to search for something that shouldn’t be all that difficult to find.  I’m not sure why I was the one that got labeled a pack rat.  She kept a lot of stuff around too.  There’s always those little somewhat-meaningful things that you don’t want to toss.  Every time you run across it you take a look at it and decide you just can’t part with it.  But then it gets hidden in some pile for another few years until you uncover it again.  I found a whole lot of that today.  I can’t even imagine what moving one day will be like.

That conversation I had a lunch probably didn’t help matters much.  It was all good intentions but man it was way to much for me at this point in time.  I need simple short conversations that don’t add additional burden to my already complicated situation.

I think I need a break.  I think I’m doing too much.  I need my best friend back

I didn’t need a reminder that today was 5 months.  But then the date appeared in large bold characters across on the news this morning. 

5 months.  Yuck!  I actually can’t bring myself to write much about how I feel.  I don’t even want to dig into those thoughts; I just don’t want to go there if I don’t have to.

I had some friends over yesterday.  Our friends.  Friends with kids and kids on the way.  It’s impossible to keep from thinking about her and how she should have been there.  And how empty a feeling it is to be going through this without her.

That’s about all I’m going to say about that for now … for a few minutes anyways

Due to some electrical issues over the weekend we were without the TV in the family/playroom for about 24 hours.  You don’t realize how dependent you become on that stuff until it’s taken away.  E was not pleased.  It’s not like she sits in front of the TV, she doesn’t.  But it was more the idea of no TV that upset her.  I don’t think she had a great night sleep either so I’m sure that didn’t help.

It’s finally going to get above 60 degrees.  Normally October and even early Nov is tolerable.  I think we’re in the 3rd coldest or maybe the coldest Oct in the past 100 years … the coldest since 1876 they just said.  Yuck.  At least we can go without hats for a few days and hopefully get out and enjoy the semi-warmth.

I still can’t believe this is real.  Every day I wish I would just wake up from the nightmare.  It doesn’t get any easier, I think it’s just an increased feeling of numbness.  Some days are so extremely difficult that it makes any other day feel somewhat tolerable. 

A feeling of numbness – I don’t know a better way to describe it.  It’s like being stuck in a cloud.  It’s a challenge just to take a breath sometimes.  It doesn’t matter how many people are around to help either.  As soon as they leave it’s just me by myself again.  The 2am wakeup is my responsibility.  Doctor visits, baths, feedings, shopping, cleaning, whatever … it’s my responsibility.  It’s something I signed up for … but something that I went into knowing I wouldn’t be doing it alone.

5 months?  Man …..

At least we had a chance over the weekend to get dressed up in our halloween costume for Boo @ the Zoo

They are thoughts that enter my mind every so often.

They have to do with the day she was taken.

It might be something about the actual event or things that could have/may have happened in the hours which followed.

They are thoughts I could do without.

They are thoughts I wish I could purge from my memory all together.