October, 2009:

Hmmm.  How do I title this post?  I’ve had a long day and my creative juices are spent.

It’s been a long day.  Like 4 days wrapped into one.  My kids are not with me right now.  They’re at grandma’s.  I miss them.  I’m lying in our bed for the first time right now.  A friend of mine took my normal spot on the couch tonight.  The few other times I’ve been in this bed in the past 4 months was because I was caring a lil one at some random point throughout the night when I was too over tired to care.  I golfed 8 holes in the pouring rain earlier in the day.  I attended a reunion dinner for a group of older members from my fraternity (there were a few of us younger guys but the majority were well into there 60’s & 70’s … a little awkward).  I stopped by my wife’s cousins house on the way home and had a can of coke way too late so now I probably won’t be able to fall asleep.  My day started at 7am and 19 hours later I’m attempting to reflect.  Phew!

I guess the main reason for even turning on the computer tonight (this morning) was to write about a conversation I had with a family friend somewhere around midnight.  Before she left we gave each other a few hugs too … I needed that.

She and I have spoke a half dozen times in recent months.  We never really spoke before I lost Cari; maybe a few times but not like this.  She has a couple young ones and her husband is dealing with some pretty serious health issues.  So even while they’re going through crappy times themselves, she was able to offer me words of encouragement tonight.  I felt like I needed to say some of those same things to her. 

First I asked how he was doing and she gave me a little update.  Then she listened.  I don’t like dumping my grief onto someone else, especially someone going through struggles of their own.  But she listened and didn’t say no.  She felt that what I have been accomplishing as a male, in particular, with two little ones is something exceptionally remarkable.  I’m not so sure I agree.  I just think I’m doing as best I can and all that I can do for my kids.  And I never think I’m doing enough.

Well, with all that said I passed out and never finished writing this … so I’m going to wrap it up now … there’s more to come – it was a b.u.s.y weekend.

It was 2:23am-ish, I’m sort of guessing, when C woke up crying.  He had a fever on and off earlier in the day.  Not sure what’s going on w/him, maybe a tooth (teeth), but it made me realize a couple of things; our thermometer sucks and because we haven’t had to deal with fevers up to this point I really have no idea how to treat them (other than with tylenol).  When does warm become too warm?  When do I need to do something more than trying some fever reducing meds?  What’s the cause?  Could it be the meds he has been taking for his ear infection?  If so, why now?  Is it something else?

My mom brought over a new thermometer tonight.  It’s the kind that you scan across the forehead.  It seems to work well.  He registered fine earlier in the night but when he woke up an hour or so ago I tried it again and he is definitely warm.  I fed him a bottle and stripped him down to this onesie.  He’s down again for now … knock on wood.  But I’m hearing some noises so this might not last.

Things weren’t as simple as they might have appeared though (although a 2:30am wakeup call from a sick child is certainly far from simple).  About 5 minutes after C woke me, the other one started crying too.  I’m not sure if this is the first time they have needed me at the same time.  I probably repress any such memories anyways since it’s some of the most difficult moments ever.  How do you address both their needs at the same time?  It’s impossible.  One stops crying for just long enough to check on the other … and then repeat.  And all the while I think about Cari … which makes it even that much more difficult to get through.

They’re down now though.  For the moment anyways.  And of course I have to go into the office tomorrow.  I have to drive an hour+ to sit and do the same thing I would do at home.  Makes sense, right?  Whatever!  Their checks haven’t bounced yet and I’m still getting them.  On days like these, on days when I would just rather spend time with the kids, it would be helpful to not have to work.

I never stop thinking about you.  I needed you tonight … I really needed need you.  I miss you.

In chicago, everything we do is packed into the few summer weekends we have.  I think those jam packed days are finally coming to an end.  But it’s football season so it never really ends, does it?

This past weekend we had a b-day party at a unique b-day party location.  Those late sept/oct babies will probably have parties at similar locations for most of their childhood; a pumpkin patch or some variation of it.  But it’s nice to have that option.  We have late Jan/early Feb b-days so our options are limited.  I’m thinking some sort of jumpy house place or the dupage children’s museum for us.

Anyways, saturday was my day with E at this pumpking patch/petting zoo/carnival combination.  The weather was okay; clouds mixed with sun and a little lite right.

She’s still not a big fan of treats but cake frosting is quickly becoming a favorite.  As evidenced by her very blue tongue (I cleaned off the rest of her face before the picture).

We went on a hay ride with everyone.  It rained all day on Friday and we had a lot of people in our party so the tractor had a difficult time dragging us through the mud.  But here’s a picture of the two of us (I realized recently that I’m losing out on pictures of me and the kids because I’m the one taking the pictures.  So I’m going to make it a point to ensure that someone else does some picture taking for us).

After the hay ride we visited the farm animals; chickens, cows, goats, rabbits and later on the horses, sheep, pigs and goats.  As we walked towards the horses E asked, “are they going to neigh at us?”.  I said yes and she stopped me from getting any closer.

We rode some carnival rides too.  She saw the firetruck ride on the way in so that’s the first place we went.  The girl operating the ride seemed to have zero interest in what she was doing, and I’m about to put my lil girl in her hands … yikes!  Anyways, she was fine (except for the quick jerk the ride made when it started up).  We then rode the dragon, and after a scary ride down the super slide we took another ride on the firetrucks with the b-day boy.  That scary ride down the super slide wasn’t my idea.  She really wanted to go so I went with her.  We didn’t get any pictures of her face on the way down but she was probably white as a ghost.  It took her a good 15 minutes to stop crying.  The ride on the firetrucks again appeared to help her forget about that slide.

She appeared to overcome some of her shyness too.  B came over right away, picked her up, and walked her over to the b-day boy.  I was prepared for the tears but she did okay.  And she did okay with G&S a little later too.  This picture was her reaction soon after we got there.  She cautously looked over her shoulder to make sure it was just me standing there.

But later on she let them carry her around.  It’s probably a good thing she acts like this around people that seem like strangers.

So it was a few hours for just me & E.  Grandma took little C during the day.  I don’t mind trips with both of them but one at a time is definitely easier when I’m by myself.