Cari

Sad, sure.  Depressed, I don’t know.

Overwhelmed, absolutely.

Someone told me today I looked like I was both.  I must really look like shit! :{  She was trying to be honest.  I wasn’t asking for her opinion or any comments at all but she’s one who has experienced loss and someone who I have been relatively open with, so I let her talk.  I responded in a manner similar to how I started off this post.  My loss is devastating.  My daughter asks all the time when is Mommy coming home.  That’s TOUGH … IMPOSSIBLE!  But I don’t see myself as being seriously depressed, just sad.  Wouldn’t you be if you lost your best friend and so much more???Overwhelmed, however, Yes!  Regardless of the amount of help that is or isn’t around me, nothing is there to truly fill this gaping hole.

On an entirely different note … entirely!  My boss’s boss was fired yesterday.  Wow!  Relieved of his duties, Fired, Canned, however you want to describe it.  The media definitely had their way with words.  Going to the extent of saying he had to be escorted out of the building (that wouldn’t surprise me actually).  When someone with the title of Director is let go I’m sure it’s something serious.  Cari would have loved that news.  I bitched to her plenty of times about this guy.  He was a pain in the ass to work with/for but he knew the business, was passionate about it, and pretty damn good at what he did.  The organization now has to somehow fill the hole THEY created.  They’ve done this before elsewhere in the organization.  An organization is not going to succeed if they fire or let go of their most talented people.  It’s a pretty public company and he’s a pretty public figure.  The comments to the stories online all blast the organization for what they did and what they’re continuing to do.  I knew he would leave eventually.  Move into a higher up position.  But I was pretty amazed it happened like this.  I actually heard about it on the AM news this morning as I drove into the office.  Nevertheless, Cari and I would have been talking about this all day.  What this means for me and my career …. ????  Things are definitely going to change!

I’m finding it pretty hard to keep from being sad today.  I miss her more than ever.

E asks multiple times a week when is mommy going to come home.  I just don’t have a good answer.  I don’t have an answer that she really understands.

I had friends over for a kids b-day party last night.  It was as far from normal as it could possibly be.  As much as I wanted to have people over I also didn’t want to.  I didn’t want the reminder  of what we no longer have.  There was an obvious brightness missing from the room.  A life, literally and figuratively, that wasn’t present.

Today’s isn’t a happy day for me

I opened the letter and immediately knew it was probably going to make me sad

It did

But it was nice.  Sent from someone I never was particular close to but a friend from many years ago nevertheless.  They missed our wedding reception here at home because they were in the hospital expecting their first.  Their little one is turning 4.  They mentioned in the letter how they thought they would never forget the day of our reception because of the days significance to them. 🙁

There is a bit to say about the whole processe of sending a card over an e-mail or call.  It takes thought and effort.  It adds meaning.  It was a nice gesture & appreciated.

Reference to this topic came up tonight after walleyball (my one serious effort at getting some exercise each week).  I’m not a big fan of walleyball (an racquetball court version of volleyball) but it’s exercise and I need it.

I could probably write forever about our time on the north side of chicago before the kiddies came … and after attempting to narrow the topic down to just our time in wrigley, it became apparent that I’m just going to have to talk about this particular day.  Which is cool because it was a lot of fun

So June 5, 2004.  I would probably have no idea what day this actually was if it weren’t for my camera.  I also wouldn’t have 98 pictures from this day if it weren’t for it too.  But I do and that’s awesome.  I actually remember a lot about this day, the pictures probably help, but I’m sure the 12+ hours of partying does put a little haze over the whole thing.

It started out with a cubs game day.  And I looked back and June 5th of that year is a saturday so things were only just beginning.

Summer in chicago rocks.  And guessing at the clothes everyone was wearing it was also a warm summer day.   TROUBLE!

So cubs game to start.  Then back to the apartment for drinks & bags (literally a 1/2 block from the stadium).  Then off to the Sheffield fest for some Mike & Joe and Hairbangers.  Then back to the apartment but with a ton more people including members of both bands.  Then it got dark and we were still going strong.  Some people left, more people came. 

@ the game w/Aaron, Jen, Cari & Me

Bags in front of the apt with Aaron.  One of many games played in that spot over the years

Ran into ogar (from revenge of the nerds) at the street fest

My baby doll …  I miss her so much!

I’m actually really glad I have that picture.  It really is representative of her personality.

A decent attempt at a self picture.  We became pretty good at this

Kisses

It’s getting dark but we’re still going at it.

And there are plenty more pictures but those ones are for me.

That day and many others like it should have continued to replay itself last year, this year, and in so many years to come.  It just will never be the same.