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Cari

Remembering…Vegas

Took a trip to vegas this past weekend.  I went for the cubs/sox spring training game out there.  We talked a lot about going last year.  We probably would have went this year.  It’s been a while since we had been there … 5 years maybe. 

It was hard to be away from the kids.  I’m sure I needed a break although Vegas isn’t the place to relax, per se.  I worry about them when they’re not near.  I miss seeing them.  I miss their desire to see me.  And I cannot tell you how many times I thought of you.  Not sure if it was more than usual but being there brought back a number of memories.

This time we stayed at the Mirage.  Never stayed there before.  I wasn’t even sure I had ever been at the hotel but after walking a hall and seeing california pizza kitchen I knew we had.  We had dinner there one time in the past.

At the cubs/sox game (cubs won 8-7) Corn made reference to a past experience she had with us.  I really struggled to hold back any tears.  I just nodded to her and turned away hoping the conversation moved on to something else.  It was about Al’s wedding.  But that wasn’t the only time … nearly everything we did reminded me of our times there.

It was super windy at the game but fun to be there.  We only slept some 2 hours the night before … a crazy friday night.  The guys and I talked about doing spring training again some time, but in Mesa instead … a place a little less crazy.

Vegas 2004 —

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We went out for Mark & Lori’s 21st b-day. 

Braces?  Really?  I hardly remember that.

We were also out there a couple more times but I’m going to have to search for those pix.

Love u

I need you today

I need you every day but today I def need you here

I’m not sure how all of this is going to pan out, but here’s the deal.

You and I always talked about the day that something like this might happen and I really wish you were here for me (us) right now.

About 2 weeks ago someone at the organization got fired.   It was a big WOW!  Figured he would go at some point but on his own terms.  Then today came a voice mail (and an e-mail too) that my superior is also gone (I’m not sure if it was on his terms or if he was kicked to the curb as well).

Am I next???  Can I be??? (semi-serious there)

What to do … FUCK! … sorry!  SHIT DAMN FUCK is more like it … 🙂

Can I really be in position to take over IT for a major company?  Wow!  Absolutely HORRIBLE timing.  WTF!

Of course I can do it.  But am I mentally capable of handling it today?  What’s it worth to me?  I know what WE would do.  You would support me 100%.  We may or may not have moved but you would have been there for me completely.  Now it’s not so much about me.  It’s about our little ones.  I don’t really need the money (although if I make any sort of move they better give it to me).  I also definitely don’t need the stress.  I certainly don’t want to take over the role that he created. 

So what???

Well, I have some thinking to do …

But who am I kidding I’ve already thought about it plenty.  3 days in the office.   2 days at home.  50% pay raise.  Re-evaluate role of IT in the organization.  Hire N number of necessary employees to fill needed roles.  If more than 3 days in the office, sell my house, cover any losses, pay for down payment on new house.  I’ve got plenty more demands.

But about me … can I handle it???  I don’t know.  I’m kind of a mess … kind of really a mess.  Seriously … a bit of a mess 🙂

I love you baby.  I just don’t understand why we are here today.  You would be so excited at the prospect of this opportunity for us.  I want so bad to share it with you.  I miss u more than anything.

…oh, and i’ve dreamt about you a bit lately.  thank you!

A Precious Moment

Kids are sick (her worse than him). 

I barely slept last night because of a belly ache, coughing & a fever (each one a cause or result of the other). 

On top of that I dreamt about Cari

But on the way home from Grandma’s tonight I looked into my rear view mirror (which happens to be pointed right at the kids in the back seat) and I see this

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He’s passed out sleeping but she’s awake.  But there they are sitting, hand in hand (well finger in hand).

The moment is extremely precious.  Yet I can’t stop from thinking how impossible it is that we’re in this situation and Cari isn’t here to experience this.  My heart just aches.

I can’t exactly remember the dream last night.  I wish I could.  It had been a while since I last had a dream about her.  I read someone else’s post earlier that day and it talked about a dream they had.  Maybe that’s why I had mine.  If that’s the case I’m going to try and read posts like that as much as I can.  While they aren’t the easiest things to experience they are in my mind much better than nothing at all.  I do know, even though I can’t remember exactly what this one was about, that it was a good dream and a dream I hope to have again.

Does that mean I need a sick kid keeping me up all night to have another one???  Well if that’s the case …

She’s sleeping now, but sleeping on her floor.  The humidifier is going full force.  I hope it keeps the cough down.  I hope she sleeps most of the night.  I skipped brushing her teeth tonight just so I could get her down without too much of a fight…oops.  When she’s tired (as I imagine it is w/most kids) she lets me know and definitely tries my patience.  Of course as I type this I think she might have woken (damn I should just keep my mouth shut)

What “I” need

… for absolutely everything to be exactly the same as it was before

9

I haven’t written much lately 🙁 

9 months today.  YUCK! 

A benefit for the kids last night, completely organized by a local family, was a nice success.  They brought recognition to us and raised funds for the kids.  I was pleased by the turnout.  I would have liked to see additional publicity, especially in La Grange, but I can’t complain.  They created t-shirts with Cari’s name on it and fliers to promote the event.  Everyone involved wore one of our wristbands.  I don’t know if I gave them 100 or 200 but they used all but a handful.  What an awesome show of support for our family and the significance of our loss.

I received a package yesterday but didn’t open it until this morning…

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It brought some tears.  A very thoughtful gift.

I decided to work on a small project recently.  I wanted to do it around christmas time and then before valentines day but I just couldn’t find the time.  I bought some wood letters from a craft store intending to spell out merry christmas mommy, displaying it along the street in the location she was taken from us.  But christmas passed and unfortunately so did v-day but I realized that with those letters I could also spell out we miss mommy.  So I tried to be a little crafty, painted the letters, attached them together with some other materials from the craft store and put it up on the tree yesterday afternoon.  (I should probably get a picture).  Unfortunately while I was putting it up I broke the WE.  At least it broke then instead of some day down the road.  So I removed the we and left ‘miss mommy’.  It seems to still work.  Maybe one day in the future I’ll change it up a bit.  But for now the tree is affixed with bouquets of flowers, some pictures & notes, and now this message.

The village president of La Grange continues to put little emphasis on public safety.  A recent board meeting reiterated not only her lack of interest in the issue but her unfortunate opinion that the citizens within the community are incapable and that the skill set of her staff far outperform anything a passionate citizen can do – http://everythinglagrange.typepad.com/the_daily/2010/02/residents-not-qualified-to-evaluate-village-policies-regarding-traffic-pedestrian-safety-asperger-sa.html

1 year ago today we had a 1-month old baby boy and were trying to figure out how to care for two little ones.  Never would I have imagined being here today.

Yesterday someone else reached out to me.  A childhood friend of Cari’s.  A friendship that had gone in different directions because of high school & college.  But a bond that had the potential of becoming something strong again, even after so many years apart.  “She truly was one of my best friends.  We lost touch for a while when she switched high-schools and we spoke occasionally throughout high-school and college.  I deeply regret the time that we lost.  But when we got back in contact with each other, it was like nothing had changed and time had not passed.  I cannot tell you the joy I found in an old friend, the old Cari, as well as the joy I found in getting to know the new part of Cari (the role she had as a wife and Mom).  We had both taken on these roles and it was great to share the experiences and our new lives with each other.  The great part about it was that we just picked up where we left off as if the time had not passed!  I was so truly excited, touched, and blessed to have her back in my life!”

Damn!  It’s hard to read that.  I hope she doesn’t mind me including that here.  It’s just really touching and I didn’t want to lose track of it.

As for me … I’m trying to make it to the gym as often as possible and it’s been 7 full days since having a drink of pop … not a lent thing or anything just my decision that I need to give up one form of caffine.  I really wanted to have a coke today.