Kids

I still can’t sing it.  I opened up a nursery rhyme book tonight with E and found myself on the page with this song.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to sing it again.  I remember the days where we would be riding in the car and I would sing one verse and Cari the next.  We’d continue on until we ran out of verses to sing.  Just one of those small things that we shared with each other.  It was just us and the kids.  No one else was there.  It was one of our ways to get through the tougher car rides.  It usually worked too.

We were teaching E to sing happy birthday around the time of Grandma C’s b-day.  Cari’s version would go something like this.

Happy birthday to you, cha-cha-cha
Happy birthday to you, cha-cha-cha

E added cha-cha-cha to her version almost immediately.  Almost to the point where we couldn’t get her to sing it without cha-cha-cha in there.  Today and a number of times over the past week or so she sang it just like Cari sang it.

Defiance…it was a good movie but I should have been sleeping hours ago.  Now I’m over tired.  I really want to go to bed but my thoughts are all over the place.  She’s ever present and my kids are right there with her. 

Tonight was emotionally exhausting.  I was tired before the LaGrange village meeting.  I spoke for a few minutes about some safety items not addressed in the meeting.  I’m not sure I accomplished quite what I wanted to but at least the topics were discussed.  I can’t figure out if safety is a top priority of all board members.  Even in this small town political agenda’s appear to be present.  I’m not sure politics would ever be for me.

12 weeks today.  It’s un-f*cking believable.

I did, however, receive some potentially positive news from an unexpected group of ladies.  I helped launch their business but when contacted recently I unfortunately had to inform them of our loss.  I was a mess telling the story because it’s an impossible story to tell.  But they may be able to help.  We’ll see.  They did send a touching e-mail today and it sounds as though they might be able to help out my kids a bit.  They’re my life so I’ll do anything for them.

My job…it seems like things are back to normal.  Let’s just say, my skillset is barely utilized and more than not my efforts are less than productive.  I’ve tried to make this evident many times in the past but some people just don’t get it.  I’m thinking that maybe IT just isn’t the place for me.  I’m pretty sick of staring at the computer all day long.  It’s probably worse when you’re not 100% busy (or better yet 20% busy) with ‘real’ work.  But where would I go?  How could I possibly escape sitting in front of a computer?  Real Estate?  Maybe.  That probably makes the most sense.  But I really need a mentor.  I don’t want to make more not-so-perfect decisions, so someone with experience would be very beneficial.

It’s like I”m ready to burst at the slightest hint that the topic will come up.

Day 1…Minutes after arriving for the rehearsal of my brothers wedding, I stood in place as his best man and couldn’t hold it together.  I wanted so badly to have the strength to make it through but it only took a few words from the coordinator for me to lose it.  I wanted to pull it together but as soon as the flood gates opened there was no stopping it.  The only comfort was knowing that this is the rehearsal and not the actual wedding.  I don’t know if it was the topic of rings or the words being spoken but it was a very difficult moment for me.  One that despite the purpose of the event, I am glad is done and over.

Day 2, the actual wedding…am I prepared, will I hold myself together, can I actually give a speech?  Besides the fact that she’s on my mind constantly, there’s rarely a time when she isn’t, now I have to face something that is going to be a very emotional time for me.  We only went through this same process barely 3 years ago.  I surely didn’t expect to be in this situation today.  I didn’t ask for it.  So it’s wedding time.  Somehow the bridal party ended up in their seats before they should have sat.  I’m not sure what the mixup was, but it probably proved beneficial as I was thrown off when it came time to deliver the rings.  I also made sure I hardly paid attention to any of the words being spoken.  I focused more on my daughter behind me that kept asking for pretzels and did some picture taking for us (she’s pretty good for 2 1/2…actually she’s amazing!).  Anyways, the wedding portion is over but now I need a beer…maybe two or three. 

It’s, btw, the hottest day of the summer and we’re stuck in tuxes.  And by hot I mean as soon as you step out the door sweat is rolling down your face.  Maybe because of the heat I just didn’t have enough energy to be sad.  As soon as I heard they were doing a August wedding I thought they were nuts.  We did ours in Mexico but planned it later in the day about the time the sun was setting and we didn’t have tuxedos so it was very tolerable.  Plus it was december so the max temp was somewhere in the 80’s during the day with limited humidity.  Nevertheless, I can’t believe how hot it was.  Picture time was the worst.  I’m sure they focused in on the beads of sweat rolling down my face.

Now it’s time to think about my speech.  I have nothing written.  The maid of honor has about 10 note cards.  I have none.  Uh oh.  And actually I had nothing planned.  I didn’t want to think about it, nor was even prepared to get up there.  But I did.  The night before at dinner we had a quick conversation about the place we met our significant others.  One couple met while working at a fast food restaurant.  My brother met in the morning following a late night of extra curricular activities at school.  Mine, I met a local festival and actually met her sister first ;).  So then I got to thinking…maybe we are somewhat responsible for the eventual meeting of my brother and new sister in law.  Many years ago before he could legally drink, we went to the house of blues for a swinging lovehammers show.  My wife could be pretty persuasive (hence the conversation the night before we lost her where I told her that her next job needed to be in sales).  So, every time we gave by brother a beer, because he wasn’t quite 21, he slammed the whole thing a few seconds.  Before we knew it at least a six pack was gone.  So could our little activity in the city that night have resulted in the eventual meeting of these two love birds???  Perhaps.  So that was the gist of my speech.  I prepped with some shots and a few beers but I did it.  I think I sounded somewhat articulate and I was told it sounded good, but who cares…it’s done.

I wish she was there with us.  The drive home the next day, by myself with carson, was extremely difficult.

We went to the Sox game on Saturday.  When we went to get some food, our Brats came with a pickle…one of E’s favorites.  Some guy in line commented on how much she was enjoying eating it.  She goes to town on those things.  We once gave her an entire pickle; a pickle on a stick at the Taste of Chicago.  She was about 1 1/2 at the time.  A short time before that we ordered hot dogs from pops and she tried a pickle and she loved it.  We were so taken back by how much she enjoyed it.  So when we saw the pickle on the stick we figured we might as well give it a shot.  She ate half the thing; it was huge too. 

So we’re at the game and this guy makes that comment.  My response, “yeah, she’s in heaven.”  I wasn’t thinking about my word choice by E caught wind of it.  She said, like Mommy, and Papa, and Payton?  OMG!  I nearly dropped to the floor.  It was so sad.

And then, Sunday morning…C woke up early and E a couple hours later.  I was feeding C when she woke and I went up to get her.  I said a few things and then told her we were feeding C.  She asked, “With Mommy?”