Kids

Q: E, did you just burp? 

For as long as we could get it to last, all the noises coming from her body were referred to as burbs.   Then it was just a matter of where exactly it came from; her mouth or her butt.   It appears though that someone has taught her a new, more specific, way to describe it.

A: No, I farted (Me: Oh great, where did you learn that?)

We expected this past weekend to be especially mild for Nov in Chi so we talked about going to the park.  I began to ask her who she’s been to the park with in an attempt to involve Mommy in the conversation.  She eventually responded with this:

“Mommy will take me to the park when she comes back from Heaven”

Me 🙁

But then on a lighter note, last night we took a bath and she something else to say.  Both kids now get baths at the same time but it is no easy task.  I seem to be getting in more of a rhythm when it comes to bath time but I could use a couple more hands.  For whatever reason it’s one of the more difficult of tasks.  E is pretty simple but C needs to be attended to and since he’s a crawling maniac as soon as he gets out of the tub he’s up and down the hall, in and out of rooms, and things are in and out of his mouth.  And somehow I’m supposed to watch E in the tub at the same time.  Anyways … today C decided that he’s going to stand up along the side of the tup and sit back down in the water with enough force to make a splash.  He probably did this 5 times before E said, “Holy Crap.”.

We celebrated halloween a number of times this past week.  A couple class parties, a trip to daddy’s work, soccer, trick-or-treating, and uncle bobby’s block party.  We were busy.

But it was brrrrr cold this halloween.  E had a cough most of the day yesterday but so far since we’ve been home tonight she hasn’t coughed at all (cross my fingers of course).   

Last year was nice but the year b4 was chilly too.  Normally it rains here on halloween but at least we’ve been free from that for a few years now.  It was close this year though, it rained for like 48 hours straight prior to saturday.

Here’s a couple pix from soccer.  E dressed as a penguin and C a puppy dog.

And then we bundled up to go trick-or-treating after our naps

And uncle bobby’s block party.  This is when it got really chilly but E had SO much fun dancing to the dj with her new friends.

And E & C had some of there own fun too.

A pic from Halloween 2008 (Mommy, Daddy, E & C (in mommy’s belly))

And a pic from Halloween 2007 (Mommy & lil E)

And here are some pre-baby halloween’s.  I need to find the pics from 2001/2002.  Super cute pics but I’m not sure we had a digital camera back then.

Halloween 2005 (the game of Clue). 

Halloween 2004 (Where’s Waldo?).  Probably the best costume idea we ever had.  I think 8 of us dressed up in waldo outfits.  Each one of us were missing something; a stripe, a hat, glasses, etc.

Halloween 2003 (Nurse & the billy goat curse).  A little less creative but the pictures from this night are priceless.

I really missed her.  Although I don’t quite think I ever really let myself think too much about it.  A couple friends msg’d me saying they were thinking about us.  Up until then I hardly thought about what Saturday really entailed. And probably even until writing this post I didn’t spend much time with it on my mind.  I’m going to have to write some more about that a little later … as well as do a little complaining about how whoever came up with daylight savings obviously didn’t have kids because it really messes with their sleep schedules.

A short while ago I wrote about how I missed the small things.  But then yesterday during the ride home from picking the kids up after work, while E sang along to a song playing on the cd player, it really hit me that Cari’s missing the small things too.  And then I start writing this and it’s really that she’s missing ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING … 🙁  But it’s those small things.  There are so many that it’s impossible to capture them all.  Like when one of the kids is able to memorize the words to a song or book and can repeat it w/out any help or those big milestones (crawling, walking, talking, smiling, 1st days of anything, whatever), events, holidays, playing in the leaves, trick-or-treating, holding hands, growing up … the list is endless.

And then I find myself here again at Corner Bakery unable to hold back some tears.

Some former clients of mine just e-mailed me saying they raised money for the kids via an event they had last week.  I didn’t attend.  I wanted to go but at the same time didn’t.  It’s easy[ier] to avoid situations that are difficult.  This was one of them.  But I should have went.  Actually I tried last minute to find someone to go w/me but it didn’t work out.  And then there was the issue of finding a sitter and w/out someone to go with I didn’t put a whole lot of emphasis on coordinating w/a sitter.

We have this girl, a former student of Cari’s, who I have hired as a kind of daddy’s helper on Mon & Tues nights.  I’m usually around but it’s helpful to have this other person there so I can get a few things accomplished (well maybe just 1, but it’s something anyways).  The problem is that she’s only there for a couple hours and E doesn’t ever want her to leave.  I’m up in the air on whether this is a good or bad thing.  It’s probably good she has someone other than fam to interact with, but the problem is she doesn’t want her to leave when it’s time to go.

It all started with the reunion at school.  Then the family party.  An afternoon at the park.  A wedding.  Pumpkin carving.  And a slight hangover.

Mixed up in the middle of all that was the wedding (which also resulting in a rough sunday).  The 2nd since she was taken from us.  The first was for my family.  This one was with friends. 

I knew while driving to the event that I was really going to have to focus on holding my shit together.  The first one was tough for a number of reasons.  This one might have been just as difficult.  In order to tolerate the ceremony I def didn’t pay much attention to the meaning behind it all.  Instead I got a little laugh out of it.  That song ‘inside of you’ from forgetting sarah marshall sounded irely similar to a song played during the ceremony.  I’m not quite sure if that belongs in the church, but whatever.  And then there was the pastor.  He spoke in 3rd person and used chinese handcuffs as a prop during his speech.  He suggested that when the two of them got into an argument that they put on the handcuffs until they work out their issue.  If you knew these two you might not suggest they do something like that during an argument.  It could easily get out of control.  So anyways it made me laugh even though the timing might have been a little inappropriate.

Then there was the reception.  I went alone.  I think that’s a first for me.  I’m rarely alone and am not a huge fan of it so this was not an easy thing.  I did well up to this point.  But then I ended up with the bride on the dance floor.  I’ve had a few drinks by this point.  It’s a fear of mine … drinking & emotions.  The latter had the upper hand on Saturday.  But it wasn’t a suprise.  I knew this would be tough.  As we danced or stood there, I can’t quite remember, the tears began to flow.  It was a deep cry.  The type of cry I probably haven’t experienced since the days after it happened. 

I made the bride cry.   Oops!  It wasn’t my intention.  We’ve been friends just as long as Cari and I were together.  Soon after moving to Chicago we found a new group of friends.  Some friends from school and all their friends too.  There are so many memories.  And this particular wedding brought many of them back.  When we stood there dancing we spoke of how much we miss her.  That she should be there right now.  That this should all be different.  I have a counselor who I talk to about this crap but I rarely ‘really’ talk with my friends about it because it’s such a difficult topic.  Almost as difficult for them as it is for me.  But the wedding, the emotions, and a little alcohol brought it out on Saturday.  It was needed.  I feel bad that I made the bride cry.  It made sunday a very difficult day.  It makes me miss her that much more.

And then Sunday.  The ride home.  I was a mess.  I hardly cry by myself.  But Sunday I just kept thinking and just kept crying.  Some of the longest 45 minutes I’ve ever experienced.  It was probably a combination of hangover and being over tired but I just kept thinking and thinking about everything.

At some point yesterday I realized something.  I’m scared.  Scared of being alone.  Scared of raising my kids alone.  Scared of everything on the horizon that involves both of those things.  If there was only a way to know the future.  To know that everything is going to be okay.  To know that I’ll never receive another phone call like I did this past May.  To not have to worry.  To not be afraid.  It’s tough to admit that.  I would never be able to say those words without breaking down.  So I write them here. 

Yesterday also meant visitors from friends and family.  Good thing too because I wasn’t feeling too hot after Saturday night.  There was one time in years past when both Cari and I spent the night out, got a little crazy, and neither could be very good parents that next day.  Yesterday it was just me and not being able to fully function made taking care of two little ones an impossibility.  But Mon & Corn came bearing gifts for E.  Pumpkins for carving.  They even let me take a quick nap which was much needed because I was pretty close to puking.  After they left Grandma, my brother & SIL came over to visit and then helped with dinner, baths and a little organization.

It was a long weekend.  A weekend that brought out memories and emotions.  A weekend that makes everything so fresh.  I miss her so much.