Kids

Phew.  Ugh. 

It’s almost over (and by the time I actually post this it probably will be).  A very difficult day.

Every message from a friend.  The card, from my MIL, which I just read (but didn’t really want to b’cuz I knew it would be hard).  Any topic of discussion; directly or indirection related.  The kids and absolutely everything about them.  That simple request to take home leftover dark meat which was her fav. 

I was making dinner yesterday.  A friend was over playing with the kids while I cooked.  I rarely cook from scratch anymore but the desire was there yesterday.  I planned to pick up some stuff at the store but before I knew it I was out of time so I resorted to a simple chicken/rice meal I almost always have the ingredients for.  It was always one of our favs.  So good and so easy.  We probably had it once a week.  I was apprehensive about cooking it.  It was suprisingly difficult and as I sat over the stove turning the chicken, so many unexpected thoughts and memories rushed into my head.  I was completedly unprepared. 

I didn’t have much sleep last night.  E woke at 7:30 insisting we left immediatedly for my brothers.  C still wasn’t up so I risked a quick shower and some preliminary preparations while he remained in his room.  Fortunately it worked.  3 hours later, following breakfast, baths, getting dressed, making sure the bags had enough supplies for a day away, we were in the car on our way.  I only lost a few hairs through all that.  My mom offered to come help but I declined. 

My bright little E, who amazes us all on a daily basis, did it again.  While it was the simplist of comments, her ability to associate a comment of mine to a single occurance nearly two months ago is just astonishing.  I opened up a coconut sucker and when she asked about it I said I didn’t like it.  She then said to me that coconut suckers were a fav of a certain friend of ours.  How would she know this?  What a random comment I thought so I preceded to txt this friend to get her thoughts.  It turns out that more than 2 months ago she commented to E about how she liked that flavor.  How my lil girl remembered that and was able to make the association today is beyond me.

Can we just skip the rest of these holidays?  PLLLEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSEE!

A year ago last week we were pregnant w/C and  enjoying the impressively hot weather of Jamaica for a friends wedding

Six months ago today I lost the love of my life

The corner bakery must be a place of refuge for me because once again here I am

Most days it feels like there’s a ton of bricks on my chest.  Sometimes it doesn’t seem so bad but then I realize for a short few moments I was just preoccupied with something other than the situation

I could only imagine how different the ‘grief’ process would be without 2 little ones.  They demand 99.9% from me leaving virtually little space to get through everything else.

My mind is all over the place.  One minute thinking about all that.  The next thinking about my job.  Then how I’m going to get through the next few hours, days, weeks and years.  The upcoming holidays which if it were up to me we would skip right past.  All the crap we should have been doing had the situation been different.  All of the happy times and the sad ones too.   How bad I need someone to at least discuss the things that need to be done for us, the kids, everything……..

6 months makes it no easier.  6 months seems to make it that much harder.

E is still sick but hopefully recovering.  Thankfully it seems like whatever it is hasn’t passed on to the rest of us … knock on wood.  It’s been a difficult few days.  Fortunately lil guy is at the in-laws giving me one less thing to worry about.

I’m at home today, like usual, but E is here with me.  We went out for a little to take care of some random errands.  An hour or so later I received a message from a friend.  She said her sister left a cooler of dinners outside my door.  The cooler contained a couple fresh, ready to cook, meals and a few frozen “fresh” dinners. 

Nearly 6 months later, with the pain so real yet just not quite as fresh, for someone, anyone, to go out of their way like this … means so much to me.

It’s hard to come up with the words to describe what she did.

I rarely ask for help.  I’m set on getting through as much of this as I can.  These last few days, with a sick lil one, have been very difficult.  It’s one thing to have a sick child but another to be doing it on your own and living with this grief. 

Nearly 6 months later.  All those people who said … anything you need.  All those people who appeared to care (of course some really do) … have gone back to their ‘regular’ lives.  From all those people … there’s this one and the others who have went way above what is expected.  For you, for all the others … thank you!

A belly ache.  A fever.  A friend visited last night.  I hope we didn’t either get this from them … or worse give it to them.   We talked about the flu, getting those shots that are talked about all over the media and a recent illness her son had.  How he had thrown up a few times but thankfully he hadn’t eaten that much at the time.  I told her that we’ve yet to experience that here.  Then sure enough, as if I was asking for it to happen to us, E did the same thing as we prepared for bed.

She complained of a belly ache which I, at the time, associated it to going potty.  A few minutes later we discovered that was indeed not the problem.  🙁

Of course then I begin to worry.  One of my bigger fears began to unfold.  For some reason, perhaps the same, C won’t fall asleep and E is obviously not feeling well.  I’m alone.  It’s 8.30ish.  Nobody lives near.  The few people I called either can’t come over or won’t answer the phone.  Shit!

I really do try to keep the kids away from appearant signs of illness.  So where did this come from?  Soccer?  Family?  Friends?  Me?  And now what do I do about it?

It’s one thing to have a team of people at times like this and another to be alone.  I really need that team.  The one friend I spoke with would have come over, she even offered, had she not already gone out for the night.  My P’s won’t answer the phone or my texts.  It sucks to have to pick up the phone to call for help.  I need it right here, available at a seconds notice.  I don’t mind taking care of one, but dealing with 2 at the same time …

So it’s morning and we’re still fighting the fever.  C left with grandma for a little while.  This isn’t easy