Kids

Lil kickers, two 1st birthday parties, and a bbq with friends filled our saturday.  Sunday started off with golf and had the potential for the Gary air and water show and Rock Around the Block but I decided to opt out of the latter two.  That, however, doesn’t mean I wasn’t busy as usual.

I knew Saturday was going to be a long day and that certainly wasn’t an understatement.  I think we put 300 miles on the Pathfinder.  First Lil Kickers followed by our first b-day party at Loyola Beach…a great park and beach combo that we might have to visit again.  It wasn’t packed, parking sucked, but you had the option of hanging at the beach or playing at the park.  We wrapped up by eating some cake and headed for Villa Park (are we still in IL?) … only an hour+ away with construction the entire trip.  When are they going to be finished with all this construction ??? just in time to start up another construction project I’m sure.  It was great to see those guys.  It’s a shame we all live so far away.  It would be fantastic if we lived on the same block.  We had some more cake here and then after giving Gary some grief about a few seemingly innocent comments, we headed for Aurora to hang with some more friends and a few lil ones.  One thing for sure is that we made our rounds and saw plenty of people so next time it’s their job to come see us.

My first three holes of golf today were PATHETIC!  I was playing safe, at least I thought so, leaving my woods in the bag and swinging my usually reliable irons.  For some reason I was pulling my shots.  I think I was just wasn’t hitting through the ball.  For only my 3rd time out, I shouldn’t be too upset.  My first shot off the tee went about 200+ but trailed out of bounds.  On the 2nd hole my first shot bumped up against a tree and my chip into the fairway went straight through the fairway into the water.  On the 3rd I landed twice behind a tree and then went into the sand.  Fortunately I turned the game around after that but those first three holes destroyed my round.

Instead of going to the lake I attempted to clean the pathfinder…Cari’s car.  She only had a few personal things in there but it was still very hard to do.  A book she was reading, misc from Gibbons, things she bought for the kids, some picture frames and a skirt she bought, her headphones, ear rings, and all sorts of other little items.  That book she was reading, a romance novel for sure, was about loving the one you are with … I’ll have to pick it up and read it eventually.  I still haven’t even touched the center counsol or the glove compartment; those things are going to have to wait.  At least we have a clean car now … one clean car that is.

Betsy & Vivian suprised us with a visit today.  It was nice of them to stop by.  Too bad they don’t live closer.  It took a little bit for V & E to warm up but they were best friends before we knew it.  Of course when V was leaving E didn’t want to give back her fancy shoes.  It was great to see them interact even though they had a few sharing issues along the way.  

I told Betsy about my dream last night.  She was the first and only person I told up to this point.  I’ve been on the verge of breaking down for a while so I wasn’t even able to tell her all about it.  

Man it’s just so sad sometimes.  At the first b-day party I broke down into tears when someone offered their condolences.  Then at the bbq I really had to hold the tears back.  It’s tough, so extremely difficult, to hang out with the friends and continue to think about her not being here.  Then my conversation with Betsy…I was a mess.  And even my call with Brett at the end of the night.  And now I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes…but at least the kids are sleeping now.

…for me, sitting there watching my ‘lil girl chat up a storm and knowing that her mom won’t be around to experience this is even tougher.

The other holidays are certainly going to be hard…halloween, thanksgiving, her b-day, and christmas (for sure!).  But that’s kinda become the norm…every minute, every hour and every day are a challenge but somehow we’re making it through.

The weather on the 4th was blah, but it was nice on the 3rd & 5th.  She would have loved being on the boat with us on Friday, watching the grant park fireworks from the water, she would have absolutely loved it.  I can’t say the same thing for Maggie though as she’ll be taking some dramamine next time.  Even though the weather on the 4th was overcast, we still brought Ellie out to the beach.  The neighbors down the dock let her borrow a bucket and some shovels.  As I was about to take out the shovels I noticed something at the bottom of the bucket … a single dime.   How many times have we found a single dime sitting there in the most random of locations?  At the bottom of this sand toy of all places!   Is she really still here with us, in all these places?  I hope so, we hope so…really hope so.

We capped off the extended weekend at Jack Gibbon’s (the food was fantastic as usual … thanks Amy!) and it was great to see all the ladies and to show off both the kids for a bit.  The pretzel bread, those appetizers, the fat tire … we were full before the salads even came!

The last couple days have been particularly difficult.  I don’t know why these happen to be any harder, maybe in fact they are exactly the same and I don’t really realize it.

So I’m by myself right now and Ellie woke up from her nap, I had to change her and she asked for lotion.  I said, it’s been a while since we’ve put on lotion, hasn’t it?  I said, remember how Mommy would put lotion on you?  She said yes.  I said, do you miss Mommy?  She said yes.  And I said I do too.  Then she said something that really got me.  She said something about because Mommy was crying.  What does that mean, I ask her.  She didn’t respond and instead went on to talk about putting on more lotion.  But of course that makes me think…what in the world could that have meant.  Does it relate to the accident or is it just another memory?  It was so hard to keep my composure.  I could barely even talk. 

 Too bad we don’t have the innocence of a child.