Slow Down * Enjoy Life

I wish I had the whole summer off of work.  I do need work, of some sort anyways, to keep me sane but I could do without the 40 hour work week.  That was my plan before all this and still somewhat of a short term goal.  We’ll see.  With the economy and the only source of income for us, it’s probably a poor idea to think about going out and doing something on my own.

Anyways, this past weekend was busy.  I went to wisconsin with some friends for the first couple days.  My MIL watched the kids.  I got there late Friday and came back Sunday morning so Saturday was pretty much the only day we did something.  And that was enough.  I missed the kids.  It was crazy hot out and my ass got burnt.  We spent the better part of the day on my friends boat.  We parked it in the middle of the lake on a sand bar with maybe 40-50 other boats.  It was pretty cool.  Lots of people and plenty of drinks.  We stayed there til about 6, got dinner, went to a bar, and we were pretty much all exhausted by midnight. 

Sunday I spent with the kids (and monday too).  We went to Cari’s cousin’s house, had dinner, swam in her pool, and watched some neighborhood fireworks.  The kids actually seemed to do well with the fireworks this time.  Up until this year E wanted nothing to do with them. 

While we were swimming, lil dude (who seems fearless) decided that it would be fun to run right off the deck into the pool whether someone was there to catch him or not.  OMG!  Fortunately I was there in the water.  How am I going to stop that behavior???  Even when I got out of the pool he decided to do it again and again.  But the 2nd time I yanked him back into the air, kind of freaking him out, so he finally stopped.  I suppose all we can do is keep an eye on him and teach him how to swim as soon as possible.  Otherwise I’m screwed.

There were plenty of times over the weekend when I thought about Cari.  How she should be there, how we would be doing all that stuff together, how we would probably have been so set on buying a boat and or property there or somewhere else, etc, etc.  Then at some point, and I can’t recall the exact memory right now, I was thinking of something that happened not too long ago.  I struggled to figure out if this particular event was something that happened with or without Cari.  That hurt…a lot!  Prior to that single thought I never really had trouble differentiating between things like that.  As it turned out I am fairly convinced that it was something that happened without her.  And then that hurt even more.

I skipped my last therapy session.  I was kind of tired of going plus it was scheduled the day after my surgery.  But I probably do need to get some stuff out.  However, getting the stuff out is no fun but it will probably be less fun keeping it inside and letting it build up.  I should probably find some outlet without needing to schedule time with a professional …

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So I’ve got this ongoing issue at work.  Not really an issue, but more of a dilemma.  They hired this new guy to replace my boss.  He’s fine.  He seems technically proficient.  However, he’s not a seasoned manager yet they assigned him to that position (senior director to be exact).  That was supposed to be my position but because of my personal situation (which is completely unfair and I’m slightly bitter) I was unqualified for the position.    I still don’t know who made that decision to hire him.  It just baffles me.  We could have hired a 30 year veteran in a second.  Anyways, the past few times I’ve been into the office he hasn’t said a word to me.  It really makes me laugh.  A few weeks back he asked if there was anything he could work on (asked of me, his “subordinate”).  So I said he could work on something that wasn’t technically complex but impacted a lot of things.  I asked him a couple times how things were going.  He said fine.  I expected questions, and lots of them.  Especially from someone who knows nothing about our systems … questions are pretty important.  I haven’t received any.  So I guess we’ll just see what happens.  It’s really weird.  Too bad they just didn’t hire my recommendation.  Politics I guess …

They rock.  Seriously.  It would be even harder to get through all this without them.

Sunday was busy.  Unfortunately two different people planned their party for the same afternoon.  But we made it to both.  I’m still a little sore and didn’t think I could deal with both kids so I left the little guy with grandma for the day.  I feel SO bad for having to do that though.  It shouldn’t be that way and I don’t want it to be.  Even though I knew I would not have been able to carry both, as both would want me to carry them, it was really hard not to bring him with.  But that’s a topic for an entirely separate post…

So anyways, back to our friends.

Honestly, they’re a big part of the reason why I could never move away from here (at least not any time soon, even though the winters here are way to long & cold).  While there are times where I would rather just separate myself from everything, they understand and they lost her too.

So we made it to both parties.  It wasn’t ideal to leave the first party early or get to the second party late, but we did it because I wanted to go to both.  My daughter wanted to stay at the first party and had plenty of excuses to keep me there.  Most of the people at that party had kids and just about all of them are married.  The kid part helps mine because they can play together.  Thank goodness my kids are well behaved.  Some of the kids there were just out of control.  The harder part for me is that most everyone else is married.  Knowing that we should be right there with them, doing the same stuff, enjoying the same things, talking, drinking, … whatever … it makes it tough.  It’s hard to see all them and constantly think about what I lost.  That’s when I would rather just separate myself from everything.  I know they all truly care, it just isn’t easy. 

So we have that set of friends.  Most married, most with kids, went to college with some, lived in the city with just about all of them, lots and lots of good times.  And then there’s our friends at the 2nd party.

After yesterday, and perhaps I already knew this, it was very apparent that the two groups are unique.  It’s a little hard to describe in a word or two, or maybe it’s just that I have yet to find the words.  They are different but both very important to us. 

I think the first set of friends is a little more reserved, a group more likely to have a wine party than go out to see live music.  Whereas this next set of friends is more the latter.  Live local cover bands are how this group became what it is anyways so that kind of makes sense.  It started coming together soon after high school.  We’ve kind of grown up over the past 10+ years watching these same bands.  It’s been plenty crazy at times.  Although there are also plenty of crazy/fun times with the other group too.  There are less kids in this group and less marriages too.  Go figure!  Maybe that too is why they’re a little more out of control than the other group of friends.  They’re slowly catching up.  One wedding this year, another soon to follow.  Kids I’m sure will come soon thereafter.  Nevertheless I can’t really imagine the group changing much. 

I struggle in similar ways around this group of friends as I do the other.  I’m not sure which group, if any, she relates better to.  However, since there are less kids in this group I think those friends relate better to her.  Even though she was a little tired when we got to the 2nd party she still opened up with some of them and had a good time.

There’s so much more I can write, but I should probably do some work

But one last thing.  The wake … probably the single most difficult day in my entire life thus far … and I so hope that’s it because I can’t take any more than that.  I was a mess.  I was especially a mess with our friends.  The same people I’m referring to here.  It’s difficult to write about this stuff even some 13+ months later.  It’s no easier.  It’s still so fresh.  Just the presence of our friends scratches at that wound.  Someone else wrote that she didn’t think of it as a scar but rather a scab.  A scab that isn’t healed, just covered up.  Something that could rip right open at any moment.

I’ve really been slacking on this whole blog thing but I think about posting all the time.  I have a number of posts in draft.  I just haven’t had the time/desire to get back to them.

I’ve been craving ice cream, which definitely isn’t on any sort of diet plan (not like I’m on a diet or anything but since I still can’t be too active I try to watch what I eat), so last night I asked E if she wanted to go get some.  To my surprise she actually said yes.  She’s anti dairy for some unknown reason so I had to take advantage of the opportunity.

We went and ordered a cup of vanilla at oberwise for her, a vanilla shake for me … $2 for the single scoop of vanilla??? WTF!  Anyways, that stuff is really good so if she doesn’t eat it I guess I will.  She took 3 bites (one because they gave her a balloon).  Still, 3 bites is an accomplishment.

The weather here has either been HOT or rainy.  The sun finally came out this past week but it was either followed or preceded by some intense storms.

On Wed some friends invited me to the Sox game.  I’m so not a Sox fan but I thought the weather would be nice and grandma offered to watch the kids so I said yes.  By the time they came to pick me up the tornado sirens were going off.  The weather was nuts.  I asked if they wanted to wait a few minutes.  They said no.  We should have waited.  We drove through 3 separate sirens.  Rain seemed to be going sideways.  I hate storms like that, especially being stuck in them.

One of the times Cari and I drove to Miami from Chicago we went through some seriously intense storms not only on the way down but on the way back too.  Cari drove through the storms in Tennessee and I did it through Indiana.  We didn’t realize how bad the storms in Tennessee were until we made it to Georgia and it was all over the news and everybody was talking about it.  Some 15 tornadoes touched down right in the area we drove through.  Trailers turned upside down all over the place.  Holy Crap!  I don’t think the stuff in Indiana was that bad but there were at least 2 tornadoes and multiple storms.  And on top of the storms we were driving at night which made it all that much more intense because you couldn’t see anything; you just heard the wind and sirens all around you.

So anyways, we drove to the game in the midst of all this chaos.  Today the paper said that at least one tornado touched down but it was a dozen or so miles from where we were at.  The game was delayed nearly 2 hours so it wouldn’t have hurt to wait it out.  Nevertheless we sat in the car and drank some beers while we waited so I guess I can’t complain.

The kids have been getting in the pool a lot more lately.  E seems to be losing some of her fear.  C is fearless.  Well not totally but as soon as I put him on the steps he tries running off them into the water.  For a few days he would just stand on the steps and splash.  Not any more.  Before I know it he’ll be jumping in.

I’m trying to take better advantage of our shortened summer work hours.  Especially since the weather this summer seems to be the exact opposite of last summer.  Good thing though because I wouldn’t have enjoyed any of it last summer.  Cari would be outside every single day this year.  This is her weather.  I guarantee it.  We would be having a lot of fun. 

So a lot of stuff is still in up in the air.  I’m tired of work and half contemplating time off or quiting.  They actually gave us a raise this year, but it’s pennies.  I’m still not being paid what I should be earning.  I would like to just sell the house but haven’t put in the effort to really list it.  I missed my latest therapy session because of surgery.  I haven’t rescheduled.  I don’t want to go any more but I do know that there’s something that will eventually need to be addressed … moving on.  It’s something I think about.  Not all the time but I do.  Sometimes I can joke about it but in my heart it isn’t something I’m near ready to do.  Nor do I truly desire it.  Moving on means a whole lot.  I still wear my ring and don’t have any plans to take it off.  It just became a part of me and taking it off, even for a few hours, doesn’t feel right.  There’s a lot more, a lot, and don’t want to write about it now.  It’s 9:30a.  My work day (if that’s what  you want to call it) ends at noon.  It’s going to be nice out.  So hopefully I can get some sun and get in the pool for a couple good hours while my mom has the kids today.

I finished my 2nd book in 1 week … a big feat for me.  I’m not a big reader but have been wanting to pick up a book more often.  Try doing that when working full time and caring for a couple little ones.  It’s virtually impossible to find the time or energy.  However, since I’m still recovering from surgery and can’t lift the kids, staying at the in-laws, it’s given me the opportunity.  Besides, the weather has been crap for the past two weeks so I should have read more.

Anyways, both books were by john grisham(sp?).  The 1st was a more recent book with a bunch of stories.  The other was an older book called Bleachers.  Both were good and quick reads.

Bleachers is about high school football players, their stories and their relationship with their coach.  The players came back to their home town because their coach was ill and would soon pass.  When I got to the part of the book that described his passing I had such a difficult time getting through the pages. 

I’ve experienced similar feelings when something on TV or in a movie depicts at a related topic.  It’s not a desirable feeling.

When I read I get more out of it and get more involved in the story.  Whereas I just kind of zone watching TV.  So when it got to the part where he passed, it was impossible to hold back emotion. 

There was a lot of story leading up to it, none of which I really related to but it allowed me to get a feel for the relationship these players had with their coach. 

When he passed it wasn’t necessarily the sadness for him that came out but the sadness in me for my loss.  The feeling was way too much like how it was when I lost my baby doll.  A seriously awful feeling that I can do without feeling again.  It’s a horrible feeling.  The sadness is so intense and so very real

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I went out yesterday for the first time in a while.  I crashed at a friends in the city.  We went to the cubs/sox game first, then to a street fest in andersonville to see mike & joe, then to the cubby bear for wedding band, and wrapped up the night at taco burrito house.  Taco burrito house is SO good.  When I first moved to the city my place was literly a block away and we just about always concluded the night there.  However, ending up there, at who knows what time, meant that we probably went a little overboard and got kind of crazy.  And I paid for it today.  Thankfully I have help with the kids because I wasn’t much use otherwise.

I remember the time Cari went to a wedding and I went to a bachelor party on the same night.  We were both complete wastes of space the next day.  We only had one baby to care for at the time but one was too much for us that day.  We never did that again

So I’m at the fest and the band is setting up and I’m talking back stage with one guys girlfriend and some other chick who’s probably hooking up with another guy in the band.  They’re talking about how they’re excited that my friends girlfriend is coming.  Here name ironically is Kari (like my Cari).  There was just something about how they were talking, how they kept mentioning her name, how their opinion of this girl seemed so much like my Cari.  It was an awkward/uncomfortable feeling.  Like it should have been my Cari they were talking about, like how she should have been there with me, how it’s not supposed to be like this.

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Sick kids are no fun.  E is finally over it (I think).  C, i’m not so sure.  I had hoped he was just teething but then he threw up this morning.  However the rest of the day he seemed fine.  So I don’t know.  Neither had fevers today.  Which is a relief because their attitudes are so different when they have a temp.  I thought winter was the time for colds and that summer would be a break.  I guess not.  Hopefully once they’re over this they’ll be in the clear for at least a few months

They were super cute this afternoon.  E pulled him over and whispered something in his ear.  Then it was like he tried to repeat the secret to us but he just babbles.  She told him a bunch of other secrets.  She would pull him over and he would lean in with his hear pressed to her mouth … very cute

This morning he passed out in his high chair.  I have a picture of E doing that at some point in the past; passed out right there in front of me when she was about that same age.  This time he and I were sitting at the table.  He was babbling excitedly about the wiggles on TV.  I turned to look at the TV but by the time I looked back his head was tilted and he was out cold.  So cute!

So I’m sitting here working at my MIL’s.  I’ve been on the mend since surgery last week.  It would have been nice if they gave me a realistic expectation of this thing.  Something a little more accurate than “2 days and you’ll be back to normal.”  Maybe something more like … “2 weeks and maybe you’ll be able to walk around finally but still not able to pick up the kids.”

Back to my point …

“Love is overrated”  That’s the quote of a father of triplets who just walked over to corral his kids who were bouncing around in the jumpie with mine.

“Love is overrated” ???

I’m pretty sure his marriage has been struggling for years.  The guy across the street is also facing a divorce. 

So why then, when we were happy and would have been so forever, would this happen to us? 

It’s a sorry life they live.  To be unhappy.  To act.  To hate.  To pretend.  To be fake.