Slow Down * Enjoy Life

I simply CANNOT get enough of this picture.  You kind of had to be there.  If there was only some way to add audio to the picture.  He was a riot.  We were at Uncle Bobby’s Slaughter football game and the kid was really into it.  Yelling, screaming, cheering, clapping … it was great!  Of course I needed half a dozen other people there to help keep him occupied during those 3 hours since he couldn’t sit still.

I can only imagine how Cari would be with all this.  She’s missing out on so much.  And as always they’re missing out too.  I’m sure we still would have been at the game; no doubt with both kids instead of just the one

one day maybe i’ll be able to say i had a day or week that wasn’t busy.  i don’t see that happening for a while

i’m going to PT for my back and one of the therapists asked how my day was going, I said busy … if he only knew.  one day I’ll be able to say I’m not busy, right?

a couple people have asked or commented or suggested that i seem to be ignoring them.  the way i see it, if i had time to respond i would.  i just don’t

today I went to meet the kids at my SIL’s volleyball game.  the school is kind of on the far southwest side of the city.  6 blocks from where the women lives that killed cari.  i’ve never been over there.  when i looked up the location of the school my heart sank.  shit!  i really don’t want to drive over there.  i know the address.  i wish i didn’t.  i didn’t say anything to the family about her living in the area.  i figured it would only bring up anger.  on top of that … the game was at a catholic middle school gym.  the gym looked new and has a bunch of tiles on the floor and wall with names of parishioners.  guess whose name is on one of the tiles.  i could have vomited.  it was so hard to not say anything to the family.  it’s one thing to mention cari but an entirely other thing to mention the person who took her from us, especially among family.  so there it was … thrown right in my face.  it f’ing sucked

over the weekend i had to move a washer / dryer to my 2-flat.  as we’re doing it i move the washer and find a dime.  and then i come down the stairs (after going down those stairs about a dozen times that morning) and there are two more dimes.  where else … i know there was somewhere else.  i hate her not being her.  i sat at the table this afternoon to do some work and there she is in our pictures on the wall.  it’s like that part of our life just froze in an instant.  i miss so much of it.  there’s simply no way to replace what we lost, especially what the kids have lost

It’s been nearly a month and a half since I’ve written something

We’ve had two birthday’s (3 birthday parties)

Almost 2 feet of snow fell within a 24-hour period

And then we were sick (all of us) for nearly 2 weeks

It’s been exhausting.

I’m not sure how I’m going to work this Jan-Feb birthday thing in years to come.  The combined b-day party with friends is nice (a little pricey) but gets everything done in a short amount of time.  We def don’t need all the presents though.  Maybe next year I’ll do something smaller.  It’s tough though because we have so many friends with kids now.  And that doesn’t even include preschool friends and all the new babies on the way (I think there are 5 of them now).  We didn’t even have enough room for our friends at the party as it was and now more people are expecting … I just need a bigger house (for numerous reasons)

We finally got out to build some snowmen this weekend.  We were already sick when it snowed so we just stayed inside that day.  I did get out to plow (which down the middle of the driveway sat a 3′ high snow drift).   … THAT SUCKED.  But this weekend we went out and played for a bit.  C likes to stuff as much snow in his mouth as possible … regardless of whether or not it’s clean snow.  That kid is going to drive me crazy.  It’s been warm the past couple days so the snowmen are already melted.

Speaking of C … I think I’m in for a LONG year.  She was easy … he’s going to be a challenge.  He turned two, got sick about a week and a half later…he just wanted to cuddle while he was sick…but now that he’s better he’s non-stop.  I have literally no control over the kid any more.  This is going to be TOUGH

and then  just one of the couple hundred b-day pix we took

that’s it for now … maybe i’ll be motivated to write more later … i do want to say something about preschool next year … i’ll have to remember to do that

… our 5th anniversary.  tomorrow

it’s absolutely impossible to believe this is where i’m at

10 years ago (the fall of 2000) … did I know this was the girl that i would eventually ask to marry me then to be blessed with two amazing children … two of the most beautiful, intelligent, fascinating, happy, innocent people in the world … they are what keeps me going … but never in my worst dreams did i think we would have to deal with this

what would things be like today had that day never happened???  i have no idea, i can only guess.  things would be different, for sure … more specifically, our memories, our future, would be different.  i’ve said it b4 but i’m sure my job would be different.  we would most definitely have baby #3 on the way.  a big family was all she wanted.  would we still be living here?? probably.   so many small things would be different.  the big picture wouldn’t … we would be happy, married, totally in love … worried about little, loving our life, our friends, our family … looking forward to all that is going to come.  i can’t say we’re not doing some of those things today, but “WE” would be doing those things and the “WE” is what will never b the same

really, it’s so impossibly difficult to image …

things are just different now.  tomorrow will be another day, another should-have-been milestone for us … 5 years of marriage.  undoubtedly we would have planned a vacation … some time away … something that i desire today but just haven’t been able to put focus on … one of those things (vacationing) that made us who we were together

instead, we’re here. the other day E, while we were putting up valentines decorations (the xmas ones couldn’t come down soon enough), said to me, after seeing a picture on the wall, i remember swimming in the pool with Mommy.  she said this while putting those decorations on our china cabinet which also houses the urn.  the box that i one time explained as where all her memories of mommy are held in case she forgets them. she turned to me after saying she remembered that day and asked if that memory was in the box. 

today she spent the day at grandma’s.  the day, however, started out a little chaotic with a dysfunctional carbon monoxide detector … which prompted me to quickly bundle up the kids and throw them in the car because I didn’t have the capacity to figure out if the alarm was real or just telling us it wasn’t working.  it sounded like it needed a battery change so i changed them twice and when that didn’t stop the beeping … well, you can’t smell that stuff so it was time to go.  i replaced the device and all seems fine now … phew!  anyways, when i picked them up from GC’s she seemed to be in much better a mood than she’s been these past few weeks.  she didn’t even ask to go to GS’s all day.  that’s a small weight off my shoulders.  i want my little girl to be back to her usual self

i’m not going to make any sort of deal out of tomorrow, for her sake anyways.  it will just be another day on my calendar

nye this past weekend was fun.  i didn’t think it would be but it was.  i think it proved to me that i still need to live, to do things for myself.  i think it also proved that my situation is so very unique and the nature of it isn’t easy for people to grasp.  the topic is unexpected and tough to mention (or not mention) … i guess it’s just one of those things that i’ll have to figure out for myself

happy anniversary baby doll

That doesn’t sound so bad I guess.  It seems more like 4am tho.

It’s been a long few weeks yet our anniversary is still to come

I have a draft post that I started writing a few weeks ago which discusses explaining death to a 3 year old.  My little girl is really struggling right now.  And then tonight she woke up with a really bad cough, spit up a few times, and now you can hear that her breathing is labored.  I’m laying on the floor in her bedroom right now, trying not to wake her.  She’s tossing around a bit.  I’m just hoping she can sleep through the night.

Things started to get tough for her a few weeks back; just before Cari’s birthday.  I think things peeked on the day of her birthday.  She seemed to think that Cari was going to come back.  For some reason there was lot of talk, around her, about doing something for Mommy’s birthday (bad idea … but it wasn’t me doing the talking).  The idea of celebrating her birthday, we did dinner w/friends, probably seemed to her like this is something we are doing for Mommy because Mommy is coming back.  Coming back from Heaven, right?  Heaven is that place up in the sky, isn’t it?  To a 3 year old is that any different than the neighborhood a few blocks down or the next state over???  They don’t know any better.

Perhaps part of this is on me; the way we describe things to her.  We always talked about Heaven.  I believe she understands death now (this is recent) but it was never associated to Mommy.  After her birthday and after numerous questions I used the word died.  Her jaw dropped.  Unfortunately (which is hardly the word to describe this) she never before made the association and now we are trying to pick up the pieces of what this 3 year old understands about why someone so important to her left her and won’t be coming back.

The biggest issue we face in this little 3 year old’s mind is the thought that everyone else in her life is going to leave her.  As much as you try to reinforce the fact that no one is going to leave her (maybe not in those specific terms), someone is eventually going to leave her.  How the F@#$ am I going to deal with that. 

I think about that issue frequently.  And now that she’s aware and struggling with the topic I just don’t know how we would deal with anything else.  Day to day stuff is tough enough; preschool, gymnastics, friends, grandma’s, daddy’s, what to eat, what to wear, going potty, brushing our teeth … everything is a little more complicated

Why should they have been put in this situation?  Why did a walk with their Mommy on a warm May day turn their little worlds completely upside down … never to be the same again.  It is just not fair.