It all started with the reunion at school. Then the family party. An afternoon at the park. A wedding. Pumpkin carving. And a slight hangover.
Mixed up in the middle of all that was the wedding (which also resulting in a rough sunday). The 2nd since she was taken from us. The first was for my family. This one was with friends.
I knew while driving to the event that I was really going to have to focus on holding my shit together. The first one was tough for a number of reasons. This one might have been just as difficult. In order to tolerate the ceremony I def didn’t pay much attention to the meaning behind it all. Instead I got a little laugh out of it. That song ‘inside of you’ from forgetting sarah marshall sounded irely similar to a song played during the ceremony. I’m not quite sure if that belongs in the church, but whatever. And then there was the pastor. He spoke in 3rd person and used chinese handcuffs as a prop during his speech. He suggested that when the two of them got into an argument that they put on the handcuffs until they work out their issue. If you knew these two you might not suggest they do something like that during an argument. It could easily get out of control. So anyways it made me laugh even though the timing might have been a little inappropriate.
Then there was the reception. I went alone. I think that’s a first for me. I’m rarely alone and am not a huge fan of it so this was not an easy thing. I did well up to this point. But then I ended up with the bride on the dance floor. I’ve had a few drinks by this point. It’s a fear of mine … drinking & emotions. The latter had the upper hand on Saturday. But it wasn’t a suprise. I knew this would be tough. As we danced or stood there, I can’t quite remember, the tears began to flow. It was a deep cry. The type of cry I probably haven’t experienced since the days after it happened.
I made the bride cry. Oops! It wasn’t my intention. We’ve been friends just as long as Cari and I were together. Soon after moving to Chicago we found a new group of friends. Some friends from school and all their friends too. There are so many memories. And this particular wedding brought many of them back. When we stood there dancing we spoke of how much we miss her. That she should be there right now. That this should all be different. I have a counselor who I talk to about this crap but I rarely ‘really’ talk with my friends about it because it’s such a difficult topic. Almost as difficult for them as it is for me. But the wedding, the emotions, and a little alcohol brought it out on Saturday. It was needed. I feel bad that I made the bride cry. It made sunday a very difficult day. It makes me miss her that much more.
And then Sunday. The ride home. I was a mess. I hardly cry by myself. But Sunday I just kept thinking and just kept crying. Some of the longest 45 minutes I’ve ever experienced. It was probably a combination of hangover and being over tired but I just kept thinking and thinking about everything.
At some point yesterday I realized something. I’m scared. Scared of being alone. Scared of raising my kids alone. Scared of everything on the horizon that involves both of those things. If there was only a way to know the future. To know that everything is going to be okay. To know that I’ll never receive another phone call like I did this past May. To not have to worry. To not be afraid. It’s tough to admit that. I would never be able to say those words without breaking down. So I write them here.
Yesterday also meant visitors from friends and family. Good thing too because I wasn’t feeling too hot after Saturday night. There was one time in years past when both Cari and I spent the night out, got a little crazy, and neither could be very good parents that next day. Yesterday it was just me and not being able to fully function made taking care of two little ones an impossibility. But Mon & Corn came bearing gifts for E. Pumpkins for carving. They even let me take a quick nap which was much needed because I was pretty close to puking. After they left Grandma, my brother & SIL came over to visit and then helped with dinner, baths and a little organization.
It was a long weekend. A weekend that brought out memories and emotions. A weekend that makes everything so fresh. I miss her so much.