September, 2009:

I drove into the city today and a couple random events popped into my head

Forever ago (well like 7 years maybe) we were riding our bikes back from the lake … through the old town triangle section of chicago.  I’m sure we were kind of riding in the middle of the street when someone drove towards us.  Maybe we were a little slow to get out of their way.  Whatever, right, we’re on the side street so as if it’s a big deal.  The guy, instead of spouting out a bunch of expletives, yelled “dork”.  Dork?  Who says dork?  Even more, who yells dork out their window in the city?   If the guy would have said anything else we never would have remembered the event but because he used the word dork we laughed about it often.

And then another time we were headed down Belmont leaving wrigleyville.   I was driving and Cari was riding shotgun.  I don’t know why she did this, but she rolled down her window and spit.  Well I guess she didn’t see the guy we just passed on his bike before we hit the stop light.  Needless-to-say the bike rider caught up to us at the same time she decided to spit out the window.  He wasn’t all too happy.  This time he used some words other than dork to express his feelings.

And every day it seems so unreal

Today I have cubs tickets and I’m so uninterested in going.  Even though it’s an absolutely beautiful day here in chicago and there definitely aren’t too many of these left before the cold weather comes, it’s just something that’s so difficult to do without her.

Yesterday I brought thank you cards to the restaurant she worked at.  They were very kind when all this happened so I wanted to do at least that.  Even before I arrived at the restaurant I knew it was going to be difficult to be there.  And it was.  There were only 3 girls working as well as the bartender that Cari totally loved.  The girls all wanted to know how things were going but it’s still impossible to talk about because it makes it real.  It was nice to see them though and I think they enjoyed seeing the kids.  Too bad they got super busy as soon as I got there.

Over the weekend we went to GB to see the game.  I’d never been there before and it was one of those things we planned to do together.  It wasn’t easy.  It was even more difficult to watch our team suck it up on the field.  But being there without her … its such an empty feeling.

Every day I wake up and wish I would just wake up from my nightmare.  Why her?  Why us?  Is this real?  What the fuck did she/we do?  And then sometimes I think, although very briefly, about the day I lost her.  What she experienced.  What the kids experienced.  It stays in my head for a few seconds and then I flush it out.  It’s one of the most difficult things to think about but something that randomly enters my head.  She’s on my mind constantly so there’s very few things I don’t think about.

I read a post recently that someone wrote soon after their loss.  It spoke of the things that they want to hear and those they do not.  I could relate to many.  Really all I want and need is someone around me.  Not someone who expects to talk or talks to me, not someone to do a bunch of chores or cook dinner, not someone to go party with, just someone there…here  A presence.

Has it really been almost 4 months?  What a shitty summer.  I was looking at pictures a week or so ago and the summer of 2005 seemed to be the most eventful.  Engaged and planning the wedding.  Less than a year til we conceived our first.  But not even 4 years later we’re dealing with this.  And the upcoming holidays … I could do without them.

C woke up an hour or so ago with one of those cries that indicated he wasn’t going back down.  So it was time for me to get  up and fix a bottle.  He’s back down, but I’m not.

I think his waking interrupted one of THOSE dreams.  One about her.  And one that has become somewhat of a common occurrence. 

I’m not sure if THIS dream is helping or hurting me.  It appears that the only way my brain knows how to understand my pain is to translate it into a breakup.  Tonight’s dream was much like the dozen or so I have recently experienced. 

I’m not sure why I have been remembering so many dreams lately.  It seems that those I remember are the ones that involve her.  Maybe because of the subject matter.  Maybe because I wish the real dream was the one I live every day.  The one I really want to wake up from.

Another breakup and this one seemed to be initiated by her.  One where she broke up with me or something along those lines for some godforsaken reason. 

The dreams are a bit intense.  The emotions are difficult to describe.  It’s as if we are truly going through a breakup.  Each time the reason differs.  Each time I have this dreamnightmare the outcome is the same.  The dreams I had in the beginning weren’t usually of this same subject matter.  I didn’t mind those dreams.  I actually looked forward to them.  Unfortunately most of the recent ones have been less than desirable.

I looked in the mirror last night around the time I was getting the kids ready for bed.  I looked back at myself and once again asked the question … why?. 

Can’t we just go back and change all this?