And every day it seems so unreal
Today I have cubs tickets and I’m so uninterested in going. Even though it’s an absolutely beautiful day here in chicago and there definitely aren’t too many of these left before the cold weather comes, it’s just something that’s so difficult to do without her.
Yesterday I brought thank you cards to the restaurant she worked at. They were very kind when all this happened so I wanted to do at least that. Even before I arrived at the restaurant I knew it was going to be difficult to be there. And it was. There were only 3 girls working as well as the bartender that Cari totally loved. The girls all wanted to know how things were going but it’s still impossible to talk about because it makes it real. It was nice to see them though and I think they enjoyed seeing the kids. Too bad they got super busy as soon as I got there.
Over the weekend we went to GB to see the game. I’d never been there before and it was one of those things we planned to do together. It wasn’t easy. It was even more difficult to watch our team suck it up on the field. But being there without her … its such an empty feeling.
Every day I wake up and wish I would just wake up from my nightmare. Why her? Why us? Is this real? What the fuck did she/we do? And then sometimes I think, although very briefly, about the day I lost her. What she experienced. What the kids experienced. It stays in my head for a few seconds and then I flush it out. It’s one of the most difficult things to think about but something that randomly enters my head. She’s on my mind constantly so there’s very few things I don’t think about.
I read a post recently that someone wrote soon after their loss. It spoke of the things that they want to hear and those they do not. I could relate to many. Really all I want and need is someone around me. Not someone who expects to talk or talks to me, not someone to do a bunch of chores or cook dinner, not someone to go party with, just someone there…here A presence.
Has it really been almost 4 months? What a shitty summer. I was looking at pictures a week or so ago and the summer of 2005 seemed to be the most eventful. Engaged and planning the wedding. Less than a year til we conceived our first. But not even 4 years later we’re dealing with this. And the upcoming holidays … I could do without them.