August, 2009:

It has an amazing view.  The food and drinks were great…especially the desert cart.  And the people were fun and comforting at the same time. 

It was only the preseason so only the 1st couple of quarters mattered.  But they were promising to say the least.  Now again, it’s just the preseason but it was our 1st team against theirs.  Their defense couldn’t stop us and our defense stopped them.  The season couldn’t start soon enough.  JA promised me the super bowl so we’ll see!

It was cool to be in the suites to watch the game.  But the stands are really where the action is.  If the whole suite was filled with my friends, now that would be a different story.  But the stands are just insane.  You’ve got fans from both side of the ball so there’s always some rivalry out there too.  But the noise and the people out there make such a big difference.  It probably helps when it’s the regular season too.

That said, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to handle games this season.  I’m seriously contemplating skipping them all.  There’s way too many memories.  And this is way to fresh.  And I don’t want to be there with anyone but her.  As hard as it will be to skip the games and watch ’em from home, it will be a million times harder to be there without her trying to enjoy myself…that’s simply impossible.

We have a lot of good friends and for that we are fortunate.  Two babies were born in the past few weeks and another couple announced their pregnancy tonight.  It’s terrific news for them.  It’s tough news for me but I remain happy for them.  If it’s a girl, they asked that they be able to honor my wife when naming their child.  Whether or not they have a girl, that simple gesture meant the world to me.

It’s things like that.  How they were able to sit with me tonight, amidst our active children, and listen to me.  That is why I find comfort in our friends.  Having the ability to be open, without judgement.  We chose are friends.  We chose to be around like people.  Those who did not fit, and there were always those people, would eventually weed themselves out.  Not because they were bad people,  but because they weren’t exactly the types of people we chose to share the intimate details of our life with.  We were fortunate to have met each other, but we were equally as fortunate to build the relationships with our friends that we have today and intend to keep forever.

Friendships are not always easy, but we made them work.  Everyone has their own responsibilities, their own needs.  It takes effort to make sure they last and we made sure we were always involved in each others lives.

If I have one request, and I’ve always felt this way, it’s for all our friends to buy houses on the same block.  Wherever it might be.  To have your close friends on the same block…it would be our own little world and we would relish in it.

We went to this place called the dinner club last night.  It’s one of those places where you can order a bunch of meals, prepare them, then take ’em home and freeze them for later.  My freezer is full now.  I’m looking forward to nights of something other than mac & cheese, pasta, or jewel pizza.  I had a couple of the burritos today and they were really good!  But even though my freezer is full, it doesn’t change my situation…it only slightly lessens my burden.

I found myself as the only man in the whole place.  But that didn’t matter.  Just about everyone else was a mom with little kids.  This place pretty much caters to mom’s; mom’s that don’t have extra time to make these kinds of things.  Plus it’s a few hours away from everything else; a small amount of time to try and think about something other than the usual.

I spoke with a few of the women and one made reference to my wife.  I could have just avoided the conversation but I decided to open up to her.  She asked so I figured I would tell.  She pointed at my wedding band and asked what that’s about.  I told her what had happened.  It was an emotional moment, for both of us, but I was able to pretty much hold my shit together.  She was friendly, slightly older, but a genuine person.  She certainly showed compassion.  She asked how long it had been.  I stopped keeping track of dates.  Little did I realize that it was exactly 3 months.

3 months, really?  

I still avoid the topic whenever possible.  I picked up some mail the other day which an old friend of hers had sent.  It made me cry.  When I talk to my grief counselor I do my best to skirt around the topic.

And then there’s the thank you cards.  They’ve been at the bottom of my list, but something I need to get through.  I only have some 300+ to send out.  But I’m going to get to them soon.  I sent out a test card to make sure that the bracelets would make it to the destination in a regular card with regular postage.  Hopefully they arrive w/out any issue.