Cari

We have a lot of good friends and for that we are fortunate.  Two babies were born in the past few weeks and another couple announced their pregnancy tonight.  It’s terrific news for them.  It’s tough news for me but I remain happy for them.  If it’s a girl, they asked that they be able to honor my wife when naming their child.  Whether or not they have a girl, that simple gesture meant the world to me.

It’s things like that.  How they were able to sit with me tonight, amidst our active children, and listen to me.  That is why I find comfort in our friends.  Having the ability to be open, without judgement.  We chose are friends.  We chose to be around like people.  Those who did not fit, and there were always those people, would eventually weed themselves out.  Not because they were bad people,  but because they weren’t exactly the types of people we chose to share the intimate details of our life with.  We were fortunate to have met each other, but we were equally as fortunate to build the relationships with our friends that we have today and intend to keep forever.

Friendships are not always easy, but we made them work.  Everyone has their own responsibilities, their own needs.  It takes effort to make sure they last and we made sure we were always involved in each others lives.

If I have one request, and I’ve always felt this way, it’s for all our friends to buy houses on the same block.  Wherever it might be.  To have your close friends on the same block…it would be our own little world and we would relish in it.

We went to this place called the dinner club last night.  It’s one of those places where you can order a bunch of meals, prepare them, then take ’em home and freeze them for later.  My freezer is full now.  I’m looking forward to nights of something other than mac & cheese, pasta, or jewel pizza.  I had a couple of the burritos today and they were really good!  But even though my freezer is full, it doesn’t change my situation…it only slightly lessens my burden.

I found myself as the only man in the whole place.  But that didn’t matter.  Just about everyone else was a mom with little kids.  This place pretty much caters to mom’s; mom’s that don’t have extra time to make these kinds of things.  Plus it’s a few hours away from everything else; a small amount of time to try and think about something other than the usual.

I spoke with a few of the women and one made reference to my wife.  I could have just avoided the conversation but I decided to open up to her.  She asked so I figured I would tell.  She pointed at my wedding band and asked what that’s about.  I told her what had happened.  It was an emotional moment, for both of us, but I was able to pretty much hold my shit together.  She was friendly, slightly older, but a genuine person.  She certainly showed compassion.  She asked how long it had been.  I stopped keeping track of dates.  Little did I realize that it was exactly 3 months.

3 months, really?  

I still avoid the topic whenever possible.  I picked up some mail the other day which an old friend of hers had sent.  It made me cry.  When I talk to my grief counselor I do my best to skirt around the topic.

And then there’s the thank you cards.  They’ve been at the bottom of my list, but something I need to get through.  I only have some 300+ to send out.  But I’m going to get to them soon.  I sent out a test card to make sure that the bracelets would make it to the destination in a regular card with regular postage.  Hopefully they arrive w/out any issue.

It’s almost season, in fact the first preseason game is on as I type, and I don’t want it to start.  It’s been a constant part of our lives for the past three years. 

We missed maybe a few games because the weather was just way too cold, but we still made it to at least a couple of those frigid ones.  Like that GB game where the snow was going in all directions at the same time.  I think Favre said it was the coldest game he ever played in.  The beer was freezing before we made it back to the seats.   Or that other game, not sure who they played (it was too cold to remember anyways), when it was so windy we just sat in the car most of tailgating.  We were wearing gym shoes and the wind went right through them.  We tried to cook on the grill.  We had to tilt the table on its side just to block the wind.  Then the wind blew over the table and then the grill … so that was about it for tailgating that day.

I definitely took advantage of the pregnancies.  Last year and two years prior we were expecting at just about the same time.  She didn’t care all that much that she couldn’t drink.  She still had a blast.  She could do that sort of thing.  Of course the season she wasn’t pregnant we had to draw straws to see who would drive, but it was usually my responsibility because she was dd when she was pregnant.  This was supposed to be her year again.

And then there was the super bowl and playoff games leading up to it.  The NO game was and may always be the most incredible game I’ve ever been too.  I think that was also the game of the chili incident.  I started cooking chili for the games.  It was oh so good.  We were packing up the car and the chili got in there before everything else was packed up.  I tried lifting something to put more in and there went the chili and entire crock pot…all over the ground, broken into a hundred pieces and chili everywhere.  And then the super bowl.  It was my fear that I would not take the job and the bears would go to the super bowl.  Fortunately I took the job and even more fortunately they actually went.  It was a big debate.  We’re 8+ months pregnant and we are faced with the option of going or skipping it.  What if they win?  This pregnancy was the only thing in our way.  She definitely wasn’t going to let me go without her so the only real option was…she’s going to go too.  Flying wasn’t an option because she’d probably go into labor so we rented an RV.  I mapped out all the hospitals along the way and each time we passed one we marked it down for the ride back.  There were even vegas odds that someone would go into labor at the game.  And some women, less pregnant than us, actually marketed her belly to some company and made $$ off of it there.  Nevertheless, we made the trip and it was a great time (even tho they lost and it rained the entire game).  Two days after we came home, E was born.

It’s so hard to even think and write these words.  It’s season soon and she’s not here to share this with.  Who am I going to be able to share all this with.  That sharing thing.  That’s one of the most difficult to swallow.  She was my best friend.  No one else mattered like she did.  She was my life, my everything.  It’s so difficult to do these things without her.