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They’re getting bigger

Sep 18th, 2009
by Matt.
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Today was C’s 8 month appointment.  I brought E in too because she’s had a cough & stomach ache for a few days.  So might as well knock out 2 at the same time.

C seemed long but it appears he’s pretty much average, except for his big head which I actually though wasn’t that big.  It’s more long than round whereas Ellie was always up in the 90th percentile with her big ole head.

Length – 27.5 in ~ 50%
Weight – 17.4 lbs ~ 25%
Head – 18 cm ~ 75%

He was smiling away until she started to listen to his breathing.  He didn’t start to cry but you could tell it was only a matter of time.  Then came the shots.  He’s not a big fan, but what kid would be.  Poor guy.  They’re for his own good, right?  Cari hated seeing them in pain.  She felt so sorry for the little one.  I don’t let it bother me so much.  All the crying kind of just blends together anyways.

E is at 29 lbs but since it wasn’t her official appointment we didn’t get a percentage for her.  Probably somewhere in the middle I would guess.  And they also said there’s nothing we can give her because it doesn’t seem like much of an issue.  Maybe some yogurt will push it out of her system.  Good luck getting anything into her mouth except for the usual.  I have to start giving her more vitamins though.  I try to do it every day but it doesn’t always happen.

She wasn’t a big fan of leaving for the dr today.  It wasn’t the dr’s office so much, it was just a matter of getting into the car.  So she cried most of the way.  Thankfully the office is only a few miles down the road.  When we got there she was asking if she could get a shot.  I highly doubt she knew exactly what that involved.  She didn’t get one of course but it was crazy to hear her ask for one.

Nearly 4 months

Sep 15th, 2009
by Matt.
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And every day it seems so unreal

Today I have cubs tickets and I’m so uninterested in going.  Even though it’s an absolutely beautiful day here in chicago and there definitely aren’t too many of these left before the cold weather comes, it’s just something that’s so difficult to do without her.

Yesterday I brought thank you cards to the restaurant she worked at.  They were very kind when all this happened so I wanted to do at least that.  Even before I arrived at the restaurant I knew it was going to be difficult to be there.  And it was.  There were only 3 girls working as well as the bartender that Cari totally loved.  The girls all wanted to know how things were going but it’s still impossible to talk about because it makes it real.  It was nice to see them though and I think they enjoyed seeing the kids.  Too bad they got super busy as soon as I got there.

Over the weekend we went to GB to see the game.  I’d never been there before and it was one of those things we planned to do together.  It wasn’t easy.  It was even more difficult to watch our team suck it up on the field.  But being there without her … its such an empty feeling.

Every day I wake up and wish I would just wake up from my nightmare.  Why her?  Why us?  Is this real?  What the fuck did she/we do?  And then sometimes I think, although very briefly, about the day I lost her.  What she experienced.  What the kids experienced.  It stays in my head for a few seconds and then I flush it out.  It’s one of the most difficult things to think about but something that randomly enters my head.  She’s on my mind constantly so there’s very few things I don’t think about.

I read a post recently that someone wrote soon after their loss.  It spoke of the things that they want to hear and those they do not.  I could relate to many.  Really all I want and need is someone around me.  Not someone who expects to talk or talks to me, not someone to do a bunch of chores or cook dinner, not someone to go party with, just someone there…here  A presence.

Has it really been almost 4 months?  What a shitty summer.  I was looking at pictures a week or so ago and the summer of 2005 seemed to be the most eventful.  Engaged and planning the wedding.  Less than a year til we conceived our first.  But not even 4 years later we’re dealing with this.  And the upcoming holidays … I could do without them.

4:24

Sep 12th, 2009
by Matt.
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C woke up an hour or so ago with one of those cries that indicated he wasn’t going back down.  So it was time for me to get  up and fix a bottle.  He’s back down, but I’m not.

I think his waking interrupted one of THOSE dreams.  One about her.  And one that has become somewhat of a common occurrence. 

I’m not sure if THIS dream is helping or hurting me.  It appears that the only way my brain knows how to understand my pain is to translate it into a breakup.  Tonight’s dream was much like the dozen or so I have recently experienced. 

I’m not sure why I have been remembering so many dreams lately.  It seems that those I remember are the ones that involve her.  Maybe because of the subject matter.  Maybe because I wish the real dream was the one I live every day.  The one I really want to wake up from.

Another breakup and this one seemed to be initiated by her.  One where she broke up with me or something along those lines for some godforsaken reason. 

The dreams are a bit intense.  The emotions are difficult to describe.  It’s as if we are truly going through a breakup.  Each time the reason differs.  Each time I have this dreamnightmare the outcome is the same.  The dreams I had in the beginning weren’t usually of this same subject matter.  I didn’t mind those dreams.  I actually looked forward to them.  Unfortunately most of the recent ones have been less than desirable.

I looked in the mirror last night around the time I was getting the kids ready for bed.  I looked back at myself and once again asked the question … why?. 

Can’t we just go back and change all this?

Some students she touched

Sep 11th, 2009
by Matt.
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Earlier in the week I reached out to one of Cari’s former students.  One of the handful of girls (and boys) she taught maybe 6 years ago that she still kept in touch with.  One of the students she touched in such a way that they still communicated years later.  Why she didn’t continue on at that school is beyond me … but not beyond the politics of Chicago Public Schools.

Nevertheless, these girls looked up to Cari.  I randomly decided to reach out to them to let them know we created some wristbands in Cari’s memory.  They jumped on the opportunity to get some.  I told them to let me know that if any of their friends wanted some to let me know.  They came back with a request for a dozen+.  A dozen+ people who cared for Cari.  A dozen+ people from the 1 year she spent with them.

So I met the girls this evening at the in-laws when I picked up the kids.  Besides giving them the wristbands it gave them the chance to interact with our kids.  It took E her usual time to warm up but as soon as she did they became best friends.  C smiled up a storm as soon as he saw them.  E is pretty funny.  She was talking to me before they appeared from around a car.  As soon as she saw them she zippered up.  I think the chalk finally got her going but I was initially unsuccessful with things like bubbles and her dolls.  I guess you never know what it’s going to take to get her to open up.  I told the girls they should have brought some french fries.  French fries almost always do the trick.

Milestone: C is for Clapping

Sep 8th, 2009
by Matt.
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On Saturday I noticed something new, C was clapping his hands.  I thought maybe it was something random but Sunday & Monday he kept clapping away.  The memory book has it listed as a milestone so that’s what it must be.  Go lil C.  Oh, the memory book.  That wasn’t really on my list of things to do before, but now it is.  I’ve been keeping up on dates but I need to get some more pix in there too.  And that reminds me, I need to get to the store and pick up some scrapbooks.  Cari was awesome at doing that.  I printed out the pictures but now I need to get ’em in a book.  I’m sure I’ll be able to find the time 😉

In the meantime, while C is clapping up a storm, E begged me to watch some video on the camera.  She’s a big fan of expensive technology.  She’s already mastered the digital camera so now it’s on to video. 

Digital camera’s are one thing…my video camera is another.  We’ve gone through three digital ones in as many years.  A single drop and they’re pretty much a loss.  So how different is it to put it in my daughters hands; it’s eventually going to break anyways.  Plus this olympus kind of sucks anyways (i wouldn’t recommend it).   On the other hand the canon we had, which we really liked, was dropped on carpet and stopped working immediately.  It’s just as much to fix the damn thing as it is to buy new.  I could throw a disposable across the room and it would still work, but not the $400 digital … wtf!  We were going to buy a new one b4 C was born but just didn’t have the xtra $$.

Anyways, so E is interested in watching our video.  I have more than 2 years of it…2+ years of memories, 2+ years of Cari.  I wish I had more but we only bought it right b4 E was born.

We’ve actually scanned through many of the videos over the past week.  But this weekend we came upon a particularly special one.  It was E two years ago almost to date.  Just about 7 months old and basically the same age as C today.  She was in the tub taking a bath with Mommy.  We watched the whole thing.  It wasn’t easy.  I’m so glad I have it, but it (they) is one of the toughest thing to do.  To relive the memory.  It was a good one though.  It also reminded me that it’s time to get the camera rollin for C.  So that night I took him and the camera into the bathroom and attempted to tape.  I think it turned out well.  But he’s new to sitting up on his own so keeping him from falling into the water while taping wasn’t that easy.  However, now that I think of it he’s never fallen over in the water but I’m always on edge waiting for it to happen. 

I was in the tub at first but then E insisted she come in too.  She climbed in herself, obviously no longer needing my assistance … YIKES!  I guess that means one more thing I need to worry about; getting into and out of the tub without me.  Before I had that protective barrier and knew she’d be in that same place…not any more though.  So now it’s E, C & me in the tub.  It’s a bigger tub but not that big.  I got some good footage while we were all in there but then I got out and was able to take some of the two of them together.  Super cute too! 

She’s an awesome big sister.  I imagine it’s extremely beneficial that they have each other.

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