Cari

I didn’t need a reminder that today was 5 months.  But then the date appeared in large bold characters across on the news this morning. 

5 months.  Yuck!  I actually can’t bring myself to write much about how I feel.  I don’t even want to dig into those thoughts; I just don’t want to go there if I don’t have to.

I had some friends over yesterday.  Our friends.  Friends with kids and kids on the way.  It’s impossible to keep from thinking about her and how she should have been there.  And how empty a feeling it is to be going through this without her.

That’s about all I’m going to say about that for now … for a few minutes anyways

Due to some electrical issues over the weekend we were without the TV in the family/playroom for about 24 hours.  You don’t realize how dependent you become on that stuff until it’s taken away.  E was not pleased.  It’s not like she sits in front of the TV, she doesn’t.  But it was more the idea of no TV that upset her.  I don’t think she had a great night sleep either so I’m sure that didn’t help.

It’s finally going to get above 60 degrees.  Normally October and even early Nov is tolerable.  I think we’re in the 3rd coldest or maybe the coldest Oct in the past 100 years … the coldest since 1876 they just said.  Yuck.  At least we can go without hats for a few days and hopefully get out and enjoy the semi-warmth.

I still can’t believe this is real.  Every day I wish I would just wake up from the nightmare.  It doesn’t get any easier, I think it’s just an increased feeling of numbness.  Some days are so extremely difficult that it makes any other day feel somewhat tolerable. 

A feeling of numbness – I don’t know a better way to describe it.  It’s like being stuck in a cloud.  It’s a challenge just to take a breath sometimes.  It doesn’t matter how many people are around to help either.  As soon as they leave it’s just me by myself again.  The 2am wakeup is my responsibility.  Doctor visits, baths, feedings, shopping, cleaning, whatever … it’s my responsibility.  It’s something I signed up for … but something that I went into knowing I wouldn’t be doing it alone.

5 months?  Man …..

At least we had a chance over the weekend to get dressed up in our halloween costume for Boo @ the Zoo

They are thoughts that enter my mind every so often.

They have to do with the day she was taken.

It might be something about the actual event or things that could have/may have happened in the hours which followed.

They are thoughts I could do without.

They are thoughts I wish I could purge from my memory all together.

Hmmm.  How do I title this post?  I’ve had a long day and my creative juices are spent.

It’s been a long day.  Like 4 days wrapped into one.  My kids are not with me right now.  They’re at grandma’s.  I miss them.  I’m lying in our bed for the first time right now.  A friend of mine took my normal spot on the couch tonight.  The few other times I’ve been in this bed in the past 4 months was because I was caring a lil one at some random point throughout the night when I was too over tired to care.  I golfed 8 holes in the pouring rain earlier in the day.  I attended a reunion dinner for a group of older members from my fraternity (there were a few of us younger guys but the majority were well into there 60’s & 70’s … a little awkward).  I stopped by my wife’s cousins house on the way home and had a can of coke way too late so now I probably won’t be able to fall asleep.  My day started at 7am and 19 hours later I’m attempting to reflect.  Phew!

I guess the main reason for even turning on the computer tonight (this morning) was to write about a conversation I had with a family friend somewhere around midnight.  Before she left we gave each other a few hugs too … I needed that.

She and I have spoke a half dozen times in recent months.  We never really spoke before I lost Cari; maybe a few times but not like this.  She has a couple young ones and her husband is dealing with some pretty serious health issues.  So even while they’re going through crappy times themselves, she was able to offer me words of encouragement tonight.  I felt like I needed to say some of those same things to her. 

First I asked how he was doing and she gave me a little update.  Then she listened.  I don’t like dumping my grief onto someone else, especially someone going through struggles of their own.  But she listened and didn’t say no.  She felt that what I have been accomplishing as a male, in particular, with two little ones is something exceptionally remarkable.  I’m not so sure I agree.  I just think I’m doing as best I can and all that I can do for my kids.  And I never think I’m doing enough.

Well, with all that said I passed out and never finished writing this … so I’m going to wrap it up now … there’s more to come – it was a b.u.s.y weekend.