March 31st, 2010:

A couple sips of redbull @ 8 tonight still has me going.  Or maybe it’s because I did something to my back and it just kills.  Oh man!!!  Right in my lower back.  “Cari, can you crack my back for me … or at least a massage ” 🙁  I can’t find the heating pad and it hurts too much to look for it.  The pain relievers aren’t helping either.

So, thought maybe I would do a Cari topic …

Hmmm… Okay, maybe I’ve written about this b4, maybe not, but I’m going to write about it again because I’ve thought about it numerous times.

I actually passed by this particular K-Mart last Saturday after a kids b-day party.  I looked over and noted how the front sidewalk was completely bare (at least from what I could see).

I suspect that will change within a month or so when they stock up on flowers and all sorts of other summer-type plants.  That’s how it was when we were there the weekend right before our lives changed forever.

Man it’s hard to let myself go to this point in time … it’s unfortunately one of the last I had (beside her face that Tuesday morning, wrapped in our blanket when I gave her a kiss goodbye … or that last Friday @ bowling where our lives just couldn’t have been any more perfect).  F#$%!

Okay …

I was searching through things, attempting to get my tax stuff finished, when I came across receipts from that weekend.  My life pretty much stopped at that point in time and things have been piling up since.  So to find a few receipts from around that period isn’t surprising.  I guess I just didn’t expect to run into these particular receipts. 

Evidently we hit up Menards & Home Depot (E called it something else today … some crazy name; I’ll have to see if I can remember).  But it’s K-Mart I remember this most. 

It’s not like it was this momentous occasion or anything at the time but now hopefully it’s stuck in my head forever. 

Amidst the rows of flowers we found a duck who seemed to have claimed home to a little section and laid some eggs.  E was just amazed by this and was so interested in seeing the duck.  Did we fill 2 carts with flowers?  I can’t remember but the one we had was filled top to bottom and I remember having so little room in the Pathfinder that Cari had to sit w/some in the front seat and there were more piled next to C … 2 carseats and a stroller didn’t leave much room to spare.

We spent most of the weekend planting everything we purchased … tons of flowers.  Unfortunately we never finished our work and after that next Tuesday none of it mattered all that much to me anymore.

I think examples like this hit on why I struggle so much w/everything today … that was our world, everything we wanted, everything we built … together.  Within a few hours it was ripped away from us.  All I want is to have everything back the way it was.

Soon it will be May again …

That potential job, the one my boss relinquished, appears as though it may be out of reach … so they say, is because I am not currently capable of physically being in the office 40 hours/week.  So what they essentially want is to hire a senior executive and have that person work the help desk.  We can thank my ex-boss for that one.  It’s simply a poor expectation of such a high level position.  That job description is so far from what I want in my life or in my career but the title would have been nice.  They haven’t hired anyone else yet so at least I can say the position isn’t totally lost.  There are other ways to get what I want there but if I end up training someone who is just as experienced as me but gets paid a bunch more I am going to be pretty ticked.

It’s 2:30a.  It’s only me & my princess tonight.  She’s still feeling sick so instead of struggling with 2 I asked grandma to watch him.  She woke up coughing around 1.  There’s just so little I can do for her.  I was sleeping on her floor and even though I turned on the humidifier I left the door open so it wasn’t really doing anything for her.  Somehow I found some vicks rub and put that on her and then closed her door.  It sounds like the coughing has subsided for the moment.  …of course now that I say that :{

Moving from this house has always been an option (if the market will allow for it).  When part of my fence fell again the other day I wasn’t bothered by it but I am bothered by the fact that not a single neighbor offered any sort of assistance to get it back up.  They sucked before and they suck even more now … the neighbors that is.

It was 65 today and supposedly warmer the next few days, although I haven’t actually checked the weather and am just going by what I have been told.  It will be nice to finally open some windows.

The floor/office at work was FINALLY cleaned yesterday.  I’m certain that’s what has been getting me sick.  That is just so gross.  It looked like a layer of film was removed from the floor.

It’s nearly time to file my taxes and I just haven’t put a ton of effort into it.  Everything involved in that process just sucks.  It forces me to get into things that I would rather leave untouched.  It’s just one more thing to procrastinate about.