With what seems to be a common amount of apprehension (for me) when it comes to Cari-related situations, I went to a friends pseudo-christmas/holiday party yesterday. It is not easy to be around most of them, because of the feelings that come out, but at the same time I need to be around them more than anything. So I went.
As I’m driving I turn to the side and notice the passenger light on in the car next to me. Some lady was probably doing her makeup. The same thing that Cari did so many times as we drove that same stretch of road…in probably the exactly same location. I wanted to turn around and go home. I’m already going to be a mess and I’m not even at the party yet. This isn’t going to be good.
And then today …
At 1 I met the in-laws at little company of mary hospital for a tree decorating memorial for lost loved ones. I knew we were going there in memory of Cari but I don’t think I quite realized the scope of this little even. I was a mess.
They handed out ornaments which were later placed on a tree in the center of the room after they called out her name. Each ornament had a name on it. E put our ornament on the tree.
I barely held my stuff together. But I wasn’t a major mess until I had E in my arms and among things she began to question why we were there and what we were going to do.
“Daddy, what’s wrong?”
“Why are you crying?”
… she’s saying these things as she’s in my arms, her eye’s a few inches from mine, and at some point resting her forehead against mine
“Why are we going to put the ornament on the tree?”
“Is Mommy coming here?”
The questions, among others, were recited over and over. I gave her my answers while trying to maintain some level of composure.
She made me wipe my eyes until all the tears were gone.