Slow Down * Enjoy Life

Two weeks until my first ever garage sale

The kids don’t want me to get rid of anything but I think they’ll comprimise

The weather this weekend really was amazing, especially today

We spent the whole day outside

I planted a couple dozen bulbs and a few dozen flowers and patched up a bunch of bare spots in the grass

Finally I made my way to the garage

If we’re going to have this garage sale I figured I’d better start organizing at least a little

So while I’m moving stuff around the kids and one of their friends are in there as well

I wasn’t watching exactly what they were doing

The friend and E began to read something

Dear Matt & Cari, I love you guys … the friend asks if that’s her mom … they read it again

Dear Matt & Cari, I love you guys, always swallow

So I’m still not paying a whole lot of attention but I’m saying to myself, that’s weird

So they read it again

And I say, it doesn’t say that

They say, yes it does, … always swallow

So now they have my attention

It really does say that

I know there’s a lot of stuff in pictures that the kids should probably never see but I didn’t expect them to find this one.  That’s something from her bachelorette party maybe, our wedding shower???  I guess I’ve got to watch out for that stuff too

Hope their friend doesn’t repeat this to her parents … 😉

Sigh……..

E definitely gets emotional, especially when she’s tired

Today included

Long day outside, playing non-stop pretty much from 10a – 6p

She broke down as soon as her friend left and pretty much went on like that for a good 45 minutes

“I miss Momma”

In addition to that, every day we walk up or down the stairs she wants to kiss a picture of her

After I got her in and out of the bath (Note: She was not very cooperative) we had a bit of a talk

She’s in tears, “I miss Momma”

This isn’t anything new but today we talked more about the situation

She, of course, wants her to come back

I always tell her that can’t happen

So we talked about bringing someone else into the house

She immediately says no

But we’ve talked about this before and we talk of it not as someone to EVER replace Cari but someone who she can bond with, shop with, play with, be a girl with.  She accepts the idea

“But then you’ll have to get married again”

Oh Man!

I say maybe

We talk about it a little and she says, can I be the bridesmaid, I’ve already been the flower girl enough?

I said yes … we’ll have to address that one if and whenever that situation arises

She seemed content

Lately I’ve been more and more aware of her need to have someone else in our family.

So I guess this one is on me

I’m really picky

I probably could already be going down that road if I wanted to

I know what I want, haven’t found anything close, haven’t had a whole lot of opportunities to

Plus, I’m totally pessimistic about any dating site … I’m just not convinced they’ll work for me

So therein lies my dilemma …

I have a friend who, if it was a girlfriend or something like, is someone I likely would have broken up with a long time ago.

I’ve talked about this friend to a number of people.  It seems like just about everyone has someone like this in their lives.

I just wish she would put some effort into the friendship.  From what I can tell she puts effort into only the stuff she wants to.   Or maybe everything but us.

Why do I care so much?

Because her and Cari were friends and if things had not happened this way we’d probably see her often.  Because I think she, especially her kids, should be a constant part of my kids lives.

I feel like I just need to stop inviting her to things, to stop trying.  Then I won’t be constantly disappointed.

I wish there was an easy way to just break off ties. A way to just move away from it.  Maybe just forget it is there, essentially avoid it and eventually it won’t matter any more.

I have no idea if she feels the same.  I’ve invited her to numerous events, parties, etc over the past year and she’s denied all of them.  Supposedly she always has something else going on.  Can’t drive the 30 minutes. Interesting though that she’s able to plan other things if it’s true she has other plans.

Just crazy she has time for everything else.  I think that’s the main issue for me.

I just feel like she always has time for the things she wants to have time for.  In fact I guarantee she does.  She puts ZERO effort into any ounce of friendship we might have had.

I figure if I haven’t seen someone in that long of time, someone who lives maybe 30 minutes away, someone with children the same age, someone who I think should CARE, that I just need to separate that person from my life an move on.

It’s really too bad

I’d like to have them in my life but the effort is simply EXHAUSTING

I wish I could just say, please don’t ever contact me again, at most we’re just acquaintances.  It would be a weight off my shoulders.

But do I want to get rid of that weight ??????

Often times I think about writing and then it never happens

I supposed I get busy with life but that’s really just an excuse

I should write more, read more, exercise more, pay attention to the little things a little more … the list is long!

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Today was a bad day!

There’s really no other way to say it.

Another young family member is no longer with us.

It started out pretty much like any normal day except that the kids were up and out of bed before 7a.  Normally I’m dragging them out of bed around 7:20.

The night before the snow started coming around 10p and when we woke snow covered everything.  The amount of snow this winter is probably the lowest I’ve every experienced here.  Besides a couple times when we got a few inches, today was the first time I actually took out the snow blower.

I was also “planning” on leaving today for a few days in FL.  A much needed vaca!  I put a few things in a pile while the kids were getting ready but I otherwise planned on just filling the suitcase at the last minute.

After dropping her off at school and plowing the driveway I went to find my phone.  I don’t usually have my phone on me in the house because my crappy AT&T service only works in like two spots near windows.  Such a pain.

But when I grabbed it I had 5 missed called, 5 voice mails, 10 text messages … all from an assortment of different people.

Not a good sign …

I rarely get calls, let alone between 8:15a and 9a.

This probably isn’t good.  I started listening to the voicemails.  Nobody said any of any substance other than to call them.

Another bad sign …

And the text messages were just as vague.

I feel like I’ve sort of been here before and this wasn’t a fun place to be.

It was BAD news.  The weekend vacation is cancelled.

HOW DO I TELL THESE TWO KIDS?
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
IS THERE A BOOK ON THIS?
WHO HAS THE ANSWER?

I removed the expletives I originally used in those statements

They’re so innocent.  They have no idea.  They’re going about their day like it was any other.

It was of course strange to my daughter that I was picking her up from school today.  But we got past the questions and made it home.

GC is here?  That’s odd … hmmm

And daddy isn’t on vacation?  …. hmmm

I made lunch and we avoided the topic with a few games of UNO (our new favorite game) and the idea that we were going to go sledding with some of our friends.

My plan so far seemed to be working … avoid the topic.  Agh…

I took them sledding (for the first time this winter and really for the first time ever).

The had SO much fun.  We even built some snowmen.  It was a blast.

But now that we’re done with that … what do I do next?

I’ve got to do this.

So I sit them down and it goes something like this …

Ok guys, I have something important to talk to you about.

You know how all living things eventually die?  (Death, btw, is not a taboo topic in our house – I shield them from as much as I can but I still try to help them make sense of all this)

Well, someone in our family died … Uncle Bobby died this morning.

I saw their hearts literally break in front of me

“But Uncle Bobby always calls me Slugger”
“What about Auntie Gia, did she die too … No”

Lots of tears … and more questions

Eventually we got out of the house and they were treated with a couple slurpees from 7-11

She drew a picture from GS.  It had a picture of her, GC and Lolo and said “I Love OWL … translated (btw, she forgot the You) I Love You All” … Close enough.  She did it without my help.

Once we got to GS’s, lots of tears but this one will be hard to forgot.  Auntie Gia picked him up and asked him to give her a huge hug, which he did. He went on to say, I know Uncle Bobby died, but he’s always with you in your heard, right here (and he tapped her right on her heart).  There were a lot of tears on my part at this point so I don’t quite remember the rest.  Oh, he asked if she was going to ride his motorcycle too

But for that little guy to say that …

Maybe some of what I’m doing is really the right thing.  We talked about that stuff.  I’ve tried to find my own way to explain this to them, in words maybe they’ll understand …

I so want to shield them from this stuff, try to protect them from having to experience it, but at the same time it’s life, this stuff happens, and unfortunately it’s happened to us more than it should.

It’s never easy

Even though trying to put them to bed by 7:15 seems like a good idea, sometimes it just doesn’t work … like tonight

They’re laying up there but I can still hear them talking (at least they’re not fighting, at the moment anyways)

She’s been asking a lot of questions about Cari

I think I gave her an answer the other day that didn’t sit well with her

She asked who she loved the most, me or mommy

While I don’t think I said one other the other, she wanted the answer to be mommy

A couple days later she was really upset about that and I had to clarify my answer

Then she wanted to know what parts of her were like mommy, then they both wanted to know

The two of them don’t look exactly a like but think they just wanted to hear that most of how they looked came from her

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A couple weeks ago a note came home from school that said she was talking a lot with another girl while the teacher was talking

I didn’t see the note until we were getting ready for school last monday morning

It took a little prodding but she finally agreed to tell me what it was about and said she’d never do it again … right !?!?

But then later that morning I got an e-mail from the teacher asking to come in or call to discuss something about her

So here I am thinking all day that it’s way worse than this note about her talking, like what could she have done to create the need for this?

Apparently she told her P.E. teacher that her daddy was getting married again and the P.E. teacher told her regular teacher and her regular teacher wanted to make sure I knew about it.  I guess the P.E. teacher thought it was strange that this little girl was talking about this.  Supposedly the teacher didn’t know about our situation so perhaps if she did that would have changed things.

I like that I was informed about it but I really was worried that it was something else.  While I’m nowhere close to being in the position of marriage i’m glad to hear that perhaps she considers it an option.

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Last week he turned 4 … next Friday she turns 6

This Sunday we’re having a party and if everyone shows there’ll be like 70 people there

That only includes a few of their new school friends.  Our friends & family have so many kids that it’s impossible to invite everyone

I wonder if this will be the last group kids party I do.  Will she want her own party next year?

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Phew…

Another Christmas, Another Anniversary … your birthday … and soon the kids birthdays too.  That’s a lot of stuff in less than 2 months.

Their birthday parties are planned.  Now I just need to get out all the invites.  We have big parties when it’s just our friends but now we have our new PK and K friends … I don’t mind putting it together but my hand hurts tonight from writing out the invites.  I wonder if this will be the last year I do their parties together.  I think next year they might just want it to be only the ‘boys’ or the ‘girls’ instead of a party all together.

Our anniversary would have been our 7th.  Most people didn’t remember or at least they didn’t say anything.  But at least one person remembered and msg’d me.  We went out with friends, the kids too, it was fun!  Would have been 7 years.  YIKES.  Does that mean 4 anniversaries have past already?

We also went out on NYE.  We didn’t get home until almost 2a and I had the kids with me.  That was SO past their bedtime.  And SO not the norm for me … way outside my normal boundaries of normalcy.  We left the party around 1:15 and C cried half the way home.  All the kids there were just running around on everybody else’s energy it seemed.  I’m actually surprised they made it so late.  It took like 2 days to recover.  It was like having a hangover without actually being hungover.  I don’t think I’m going to try that again any time soon … I need some adult nights out soon … and then a day of rest.

Christmas was amazing for the kids.  $ was tight this year so the present count was down a little.  But the kids didn’t seem to mind.  She got a barbie dream house, a new amercian girl doll, and her favorite, an easy bake oven.  He got a new bike, a bunch of avenger toys, and a remote control car.  I’m glad it’s over but I do enjoy that time of the year with the kids.  They’re so amazingly cute.  I hope they hold onto santa for years.

Next year we’re going to take a vacation for at least NYE, like leave the day after Christmas.  I so want to be somewhere warm instead.  A vacation is definitely needed.  Hopefully it won’t take another 12 months to happen.

The kids miss you tons, btw.  We may not talk about it all the time but it’s at least every other day.  E loves you more than anyone else.  In fact she might tell me that every day.  Heaven is such a difficult concept.  We have a book that talks about heaven and read it every so often.  While I use the concept to explain to the kids what happened, it’s a really struggle for me to explain since it simply isn’t what I believe.  UGH!  That itself is a topic for another day.