Slow Down * Enjoy Life

It’s really just unbelievable.

The kids are 5 & 7 now.

5 years have passed. 🙁

I don’t even have to keep track of the years, I just have to ask myself how old my son is.

He was only 4 months old, strapped to her chest, when this all happened.

Just today a neighbor brought up the topic.

He didn’t know that it happens 5 years ago tomorrow (well today now)

He’s a firefighter so unfortunately he sees this kind of thing in his job.

Ironically his mom was working on that particular day for the police dept and on the seen of our accident.

I think he brought it up in part because I recently sent out invites for our Memorial Day party.

A party I’ve held ever since.

I do it for two main reasons; to get our friends together and to keep her spirit alive. (I just checked, 167 people responded to the evite so far!)

The kids know what it’s for.  They don’t really understand what tomorrow’s date means, however.

I don’t plan on bringing it up with them until they ask.  They don’t need to worry about it all day.  Actually, I’ll probably talk to them about it tomorrow at dinner.

Anyways, he asked a bunch of questions.  We’ve never talked about it in any detail before.

It’s not something I usually bring up in conversation.

It was tough to hold back tears; for both of us (there were just a few)

I told him about the phone call.  A phone call no one should ever get.

And the 60 minute drive, or however long it took, to get from lake forest to LaGrange.  Someone should have driven me.  I can’t imagine how fast I was going and I’m certain I wasn’t paying attention to anything on the road.  I got that call.  A call from the police department saying you need to come to the police station now, no wait, come to the hospital…

You don’t even want to ever experience what that was like.  Horrific!

I left the house that morning and less than 4 hours later my whole world was turned upside down.  I still remember her face that morning.

The next 7 days were a blur.  Hospital for her.  Hospital for him (because he was hurt too).  Funeral arrangements.  The Wake (HORRIBLE)!

So we talked a little about that, and raising these kids, how they’re doing … it was a good conversation.

He was worried it would bother me but I’ve been living it for 5 years now so the conversation isn’t anything new.  Never easy, but nothing new.

Oh, he was in our house for a few minutes while he was over and noticed all the pictures we have of her in the house.

She does occupy quite a few picture frames.  I like keeping her there for the kids, especially.  She’s not going anywhere again any time soon!

Well we’ve made it 5 years.

We are fortunate to have a lot of amazing people around us.  Family & Friends.

We get to talk about her often.  She left a lasting impression on nearly everyone she touched.

That’s pretty awesome!

It’s really too bad we lost such an amazing person way too early in her life.

I’m sure I’m doing a great job with these kiddos and that she’d be proud.

I just wish she was here doing this with me.

We were a pretty awesome pair!

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On a separate but related note …

Do you know the woman never apologized?

I unfortunately had to run into her for the first time just a few weeks ago.

You could slice the tension in the air.

I never wanted to meet her.  Never cared to meet her.  Hoped I would never meet her.

She did try to talk to me.  She wanted to explain how she picked up my son after the accident.

I have absolutely no interest in any specific details. She could have simply said I’m sorry.

Maybe she thought those details would help but in fact probably made things worse.

I don’t doubt this is difficult for her.  But I don’t believe her, don’t believe the accounts of the accident, and unless she’s going to admit she wasn’t paying attention, that she took her eyes off the road or was doing something like swerving around to pass the van that was in front of her, hitting Cari because of her actions, I don’t want to hear anything else.

I am absolutely convinced she did something more than she’s willing to admit.  There’s no way given all the evidence that she wasn’t doing something.

Just admit it, just say for real what was going on, don’t hide the truth and apologize to everyone you hurt.

Sometimes I forget that I wanted this to be more of a record for the kids than a place to vent.  I suppose in part my reluctance to write is because I spend most of the day working on the computer and the last thing I want to do is spend even more time on it …

So much has happened since the last time I wrote … Sept, 30th … YIKES!

They recently turned 5 & 7.  Growing up WAY to fast!

I really slacked on the party planning this year.  Some of it was because she kept changing her mind about what she wanted to do.  In the end we had 6 girls over.  It was fun.  Pizza, cake, ice cream, nail polish, face painting, lots of pictures, just a little drama.  For his I did a mid-week midday party which actually turned out to be a success.  Most of his friends are in school half day so almost everyone was able to go.  We also went to the disney ice show for hers and then rushed home just in time to beat her friends.

Tonight, like many Monday’s of late, we made our way to Francesca’s for dinner and our favorite magician.  The same guy that we’ve had over to the house twice entertains every Monday at the restaurant.  Needless-to-say hardly a Monday goes by without some serious begging to go see him.  Despite the $55 it usually costs me (which does include a glass of wine or two), the kids do have a nice time and they normally eat a full meal.  Tonight the kids decided that he would come over for our memorial day party.  I didn’t really have a chance to say no.

She lost her 2nd tooth the other day.  On her Uncle’s birthday, ironically.  The same Uncle who unfortunately passed away nearly a year ago.  What’s even more ironic is that she lost her first tooth on her Aunt’s (his wife’s) birthday.  Can’t just be a coincidence.  It hung on for weeks and finally came out that day.  The actual act of the tooth coming out is a bit of a story.  That same day was the day of her variety show.  Where a group of about 10 1st grade girls practiced for months and got up on stage for what’s similar to a talent show.  They danced to the song “what makes you beautiful” by One Direction.  They were super cute!  Anyways, so I go to get her at intermission and the tears are flowing.  The tooth had come out but apparently it received a little assistance from one of her friends mom.  The tooth was sitting on her lip (we almost lost it) and one of the moms picked it off with a kleenex.  She thought she had pulled it out and wasn’t quite ready to lose it … hence the tears.

His birthday culminated with a case of the flu.  I swear someone gave him that instead of a present.  He was puking by midnight (and all through the night).  It took a couple days and just about everyone he encountered picked it up, including me.  It was one of the roughest period of days I’ve had.  He was sick, she was sick, I was sick, both grandmas were sick and no one was about to come help us out and chance getting sick as well.

By the way, the flu shot DOES. NOT. WORK!

Fortunately and unfortunately school was cancelled that Monday & Tuesday.  So we had time to recuperate.  We would have missed school anyways but it gave us a chance to clear it out of our system.

Those were the 3rd & 4th days of cancelled school so far this winter.  That sucks.  4 days lost this summer.

I can’t remember a winter this cold with this much snow.  There’s probably 18 inches of snow outside right now.  I don’t know the total but I think it’s close to the  most ever.  Plus the wind chill has been brutal.  We tried sledding once but it was a failure.  We are going to try and go skiing though.  We’ve got a weekend away booked in a couple weeks.  We’ll see how it goes …

The other day was the 100th day of 1st grade.  She’s not excited for it to be over.  She said she wishes it was the first day of school again.  Why?  Because I will miss Mrs. Howley.  Awe!  And to think she wasn’t all that excited about the new teacher before school started.  No she’s already going to miss her.

It never gets easier …

On this past Saturday, her b-day, we were running some errands in the morning.  We went to Costco and in the last aisle or so we passed by a lady serving samples.  She noticed the flowers in the cart (flowers we just happen to buy for mommy every time we are there) and asked, “are those flowers for your mommy”.  He quickly responded, “our mommy died”. She didn’t just stop there and apologize.  She continued, “are you going to bring those to her grave” … from us, no response, ignore and move on.  However, in what might have been an act of desperation on her part she left her station and ran to catch up with us, quickly changing the topic and attempting some sort of reprieve.  It didn’t work.  I’m sure the expression on my face was less than desireable.  It’s a little like the neighbor of a friend the other day who after hours passed watching the game decided to ask where my better half was.  He really wanted to take that question back.

Sometimes I wish I could just wear a sign or simply just start out the conversation telling them the situation just to avoid the awkward questions

…

I’ll try to write more soon

Three months have passed since I last wrote

I’m pretty certain it’s because I would write, people would respond and it demotivated me. Considering I’m doing this for the kids I shouldn’t have let that happen but it did. I don’t mind people reading, otherwise I wouldn’t put this stuff in such a visible place, I’m just not looking for feedback.

That said …

There’s been a lot of firsts

– 1st day of 1st grade

– And then another 1st day of school

– first lost tooth (we have a pretty amazing tooth fairy)

– first time one whistled and then the other really tried

– first time snapping their fingers

– first time I had to get up and make lunch and then again and again every day

– first time I finally made a lunch where everything was eaten

– first vacation to michigan; first time picking raspberries (while in mi) … they want to go back again

– first bears game party at the house (with a magician for the kids)<

We’re writing a lot, even making up our own music (crazy) … she wrote down their jump rope song and then had me type it up and print it

All right, that’s all the motivation I have for now … i’ll come back and write more soon!

Oh, I might have a new client soon.  That’s exciting.  I need something new (long story)

A couple sundays ago I had cubs tickets burning a hole in my pocket.

I tried to get a family member to go.  Unfortunately her response was I would love to go but I have a lot of packing to do.  She’s moving away and we may never see her again, at least not any time soon.  It sucks.  Her response sucked.  Really?  I guess it is what it is but I would have rather been told something else.  Something other than I have to pack instead of hanging out with the kids.  That’s the one response that I just don’t understand.  I really struggle with it.  I just feel like people, especially family, should drop what they’re doing to give a little something more to these kids.

Despite that we still went to the game.

There are only certain places that I feel comfortable taking them on my own.  Like breakfast at Blueberry Hill.

Primarily because I purposely avoid situations that might be stressful or places where I might not be able to easily control them.

Wrigley definitely isn’t on my list of ideal places to bring them on my own … lots of people, lots of walking, entertaining them … the list is long.

But we still went.  I carried him on my shoulders and pushed her in an umbrella stroller.  We came with a bag full of snacks.  Ate popcorn, hot dogs and pistachio’s.  Drank some sprite.  He really wanted to order me a beer but I passed.

We made it to the 5th inning.  They ended up winning (the only win out of 6 games at home).

I don’t know if I’m going to do that again any time soon but at least I can say we did it.

Lately I’ve been seriously addicted to Simply Lemonade.  I would buy cases of it if I could.  It’s really good with some Sweet Tea Vodka … but usually I leave that out.  I don’t know what it is.  I can drink a whole gallon in one day.

I’m also addicted to Breaking Bad.  I’m through Season 3 in just over a week.  It’s hard to watch with the kids because they try to get my attention every five minutes so I end up watching it when they go to sleep.  But then, before I know it, it’s midnight and I’m still up (like tonight).  The show gets your adrenaline going too so it’s hard to go to sleep even after I turn it off.

We had our 4th Cookout for Cari on Memorial Day.  I guess I forgot to write about it.  We had a great showing again.  The weather really held out.  Not a drop of rain!

I met lots of neighbors (I forget most of their names though … oops. I’m so bad at that).  I blocked off the street so the kids could ride around.  A neighbor had a small HS band come play for an hour.  Most of the food was eaten and a lot of the beer too and oh yeah most of a large bottle of tequila too.  I wish more of my friends would have made it, but maybe next year 😉  It was a really nice event.  Next year I’m ordering a pig and maybe some people to cook and serve.

The kids are in swim lessons now.  Both of them are doing well.  The instructors, however, kind of stink.  I’m going to have to find another place to take them.  Ellie had a bad experience with one of them on her 2nd day.  It took a lot of convincing to get her to go back.  He just wasn’t trained.  And a number of other instructors aren’t either.  I had high expectations and they’re not being met.

Anyways, that’s about it for now … just needed a little something to do until I could fall asleep

Another year …

I really didn’t think that something could stress me out more than a day of two extremely overtired whiny kids

But then came the ants

O M G ! ! ! ! ! !

I can’t stand them

A spider is one thing, a fly, even one of those silver fish bugs

Ok, I suppose a mouse would be worse

But ants are right up there with them

Primarily because there’s not just one of them but dozens

I probably killed 200 so far

And I’ve only been dealing with this for a week or so

I thought maybe it was some left out food but they just keep coming back

Tomorrow I’m calling a professional!

Tomorrow could also possibly be my last day with my client

I really don’t want it to be but I feel like that might happen

Even if it’s just sort of a time-out for me until they get their shit together

The subject line of an e-mail received earlier tonight “AdCenter What the #%&&”

Really none of this is directed at me, nor should it be

It’s just so not professional, non of what’s been going on is

His sales team SUCKS

And their failure is being taken out on the rest of us

Including this e-mail

I just have a feeling that things are going to blow up tomorrow

I’m already on the fence about leaving

However, I don’t have anything else set up yet so I’m going to have to figure that one out

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But back to the subject of this post …

Last year a single flower on our rain plant bloomed on this very day

This year two of them bloomed together on the 15th, so it was a little early

But then today, a neighbor I only met yesterday, brought this over to us today

Really pretty

Now I need to figure out where to put it

This past Friday & Saturday we had our first garage sale

The whole thing was mostly so I would get motivated to clean up our garage and some other things around the house

When the house finally sold in December I just packed the leftover stuff into the garage

The garage sale helped unload some of that

The garage sale also introduced us to a number of neighbors we’d yet to meet

Unfortunately those introductions inevitably brought up “the” topic …. ugh!

The usual questions and usual answers … maybe I need to be a little more creative in my response

Oh well …

We did dinner tonight with some family members at the restaurant Cari worked at

It was nice to see some of her old co-workers and they were excited to see the kids

Even after the huge meal a few of us went out for ice cream

Not sure how we ate all that but I couldn’t promise the kids ice cream and not deliver

The place we went to, the plush horse, is good, a lot of people like it, but I’ll take our neighborhood ice cream store over it, and the kids agree

A couple of the family members unfortunately brought their petty bickering into what should have just been a nice dinner

“Thanks” for doing that … please grow up!!!

…. just had to vent a bit …

But otherwise it was really nice

The weekend weather was really just amazing too, really amazing

It was supposed to rain but that didn’t happen at all

Today the kids were out in the sprinkler, running around with the neighborhood kids, it was awesome to see

I really do like this neighborhood

There are so many kids on just this one block

I had a few friends around me growing up but nothing like this

We have 6 houses on our street and then a few around the corner

All but one has kids

And there are dozens of kids on neighboring blocks

Back to the garage sale …

I had the kids set up a lemonade stand during the garage sale Sat

A perfect day for a lemonade stand

With all the people walking around, who could pass up a couple cute kids offering up something to drink

Of course there was one weirdo who said he’d only buy it if it was still cold and then asked them to fill it up some more because I guess it wasn’t enough for him

Oh, and then there were those couple of ladies who showed up at 8:45a Sat (we opened at 9a). The one lady said something about stains on a couple pieces of clothes.  I could tell they were chatting about me when they were leaving so I sarcastically told them to have a nice day.  They came back with some b.s. about how much stuff had stains and won’t sell.  I just told them to go back to their trailer park … bitches!

Anyways ….

So … another year

That really sucks

A lot of our friends sent me messages today

I tried to read them to Carolyn and couldn’t even get through most of them

They were a lot easier to read to myself than to read out loud to her

Here’s what they said …

Megan – “Thinking about you guys today and sending my love …. she is missed so much”

Allison – “Thinking of you guys today”

Jason & Kari – “Thinking about ya today” Roxie – “Lick lick”

Jen – “4 years later and I still always think about Cari. I hope you wrap yourself with warm memories of her. She always brings us the sunshine. This is SO her type of day”

Monica – “Thinking about you guys on this day. Instead of being sentimental lets remember when we had to buy you a new crockpot and how I can make a hot dog disappear”

Cornelia – “Just realized the date! I’m thinking of all ya!”

Michelle – “Just wanted to tell you thinking of you, the kids, the Stevens and of course Cari today. Hope you all spent this beautiful day together”

Brett – “Thinking about you and the kids brother. Love you guys”

Denise – “While we think of you often and know every day is just as hard as the next, just know we are thinking of you all a little bit more today. You’re strength over these years is nothing short of admirable. It’s another beautiful sunny day too. Hugs”

Amanda – “Thinking of you, the kiddos, family and most of all my friend Cari on another beautiful sunny May 19. Hopefully we are one year closer to thoughts of Cari bringing smiles to our faces first before tears.”

Matt K – “I’ve been thinking about you guys today. Planted some flowers today. The purple ones made me think of Cari”

Sara P – “Hugs to you”

So, another year

I can only imagine how much more amazing our life would be, enjoying each other and these two amazing little kids … TOGETHER

E gave me a huge hug for you tonight … like she does most every night 🙂