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Just Venting

I gathered up and printed out just over 330 pictures for a SIL’s birthday today.  The whole process of going through all those pictures wasn’t much fun.  The book was nice though.  I think she needed it, I hope she did, or maybe I needed to make it for her.  My FIL passed away in 07 (her dad) and then Cari.  She’s only 12 and her life hasn’t been easy…and is way more complicated than just that.  I’m not really sure how the book will impact her.  I could barely put the pictures in and when she started flipping through the pages I could hardly keep it together.  Thankfully another sister took the book so she could open the rest of her presents.

The past couple weeks haven’t been easy.  I think about Cari constantly.  Some days things happen, it reminds me of something and it’s like it happened yesterday but it really happened more than a year ago…DAMN!  Like the dishes in the dishwasher.  Then came out wet the other day.  Either me or the kids changed the settings on the thing and now they aren’t drying all the way.  Cari would give me crap about that.  It was easy to lean across the counter and accidentally press the buttons but for some reason she assumed I was changing the settings.  She would nag at me about that and I would nag back … I miss that.

Until something is gone I guess you sometimes just don’t know what you have.  I don’t think I took anything for granted.  We had fun.  We were building a family.  We expected to live long together.  Our complaints were minimal and if anything something we did just to liven things up when we didn’t have anything else to do.

And now … man. 

I didn’t want things to be different.  While I like change, I like little change, not BIG-MASSIVE-CHANGE-EVERYTHING-CHANGE (or however you might say it). 

We were in love.  Absolutely.  We were each other’s best friend. 

And while I think all the time that I need to fill that void…somehow…I can’t imagine myself truly doing it.  The amount of time and effort it took her and I to build our relationship…it wasn’t over night.  It wasn’t 10 years either.  It’s one thing to be single in the city without certain responsibilities, and another to be in my situation.  Maybe I just shouldn’t be worrying myself about that.   But in the midst of all the other craziness it’s something that allows me to take my mind off some of the difficult stuff.

I’m not looking forward to next week. 

I still think I need to just dump my job.  I mean, I just want to work part time but still make around the same $ that I’m making today.  My new boss, the unqualified candidate they hired to take over for the guy they canned, starts monday.  If it isn’t smooth I already have my resignation written up, I just need to print it.  I’m that serious about it.  And if it isn’t to my liking I’m going to do it sooner rather than later.  Other than pay I’m not gaining anything out of this job and more than anything I hate bitching about it.

So…that isn’t even all I have to say but I should probably try to sleep (or at least relax for a bit)

Oh yeah…this past Mother’s day…how about we skip that holiday next year